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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think risk of pregnancy is virtually zero

120 replies

Yesnewnameofcourse · 10/01/2018 10:10

Regular, but name changed for this as I feel a bit silly really.

I might have been a bit silly too. DP and I have been together 2 years, live together and have wedding planned. We have never used contraception, just the withdrawal method. I have just turned 45 and he is 50. So far so good except last night and the night before he either misjudged it or willfully ignored and cum inside me. He has always said he doesn't want more children. I have two, he has two.

Ive looked online but can't work out whether I'm fertile before or after ovulation or even when ovulation is likely on a 28 day cycle. I'm on day 15 of my cycle. My periods are 28 days like clockwork, and my mother had late menopause. However I am 45! Am I being silly to think pregnancy is virtually impossible? Do I need the MAP? It really messes up my head emotionally when I've taken it in the past. And due to autoimmune issues and severe allergies no contraception has been suitable. Feel a bit stupid. So please don't just tell me that.

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 10/01/2018 10:12

I would get the MAP. You’re probably right in your fertile window - I wouldn’t want to risk it tbh.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2018 10:15

You need the MAP

Merryoldgoat · 10/01/2018 10:18

Take the MAP and use proper contraception like a responsible adult if you don't want a baby.

Rebeccaslicker · 10/01/2018 10:19

It's take the MAP or take a risk, OP. Pregnancy at 45 is certainly possible - just ask my friend, who had her second DS at 45 on Boxing Day!!

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 10/01/2018 10:21

You can use condoms if you don't like contraception that fucks with your hormones

singingdetective · 10/01/2018 10:22

use actual contraception ffs

Pseudousername · 10/01/2018 10:24

Get the MAP. ASAP.

Emlou07 · 10/01/2018 10:24

MAP and then use some form of contraception! Pulling out is NOT reliable!

BarbarianMum · 10/01/2018 10:25

Virtually nil yes. But not actually nil and, as you know, you can't get "a little bit" pregnant. Go get the MAP and insist that idiot sticks a condom on it in future.

StopTheRoundabout · 10/01/2018 10:25

You need to talk to lola. It's MN's version of "Talk to Frank" but it is information on pre-cum, unprotected/withdrawal method sex and the possibility of unplanned pregnancy. Wink

MonumentalAlabaster · 10/01/2018 10:44

I am alone in being amazed at how often I read on MN the word "withdrawal" followed by the word "method"?

It's not a method. It's a risk.

TieGrr · 10/01/2018 10:46

If he wilfully ignored an agreement both of you had, that's a bigger problem than whether to take the MAP or not, IMO.

JapaneseBirdPainting · 10/01/2018 10:47

get the MAP if this will not be a happy accident.

And 45? I'm 45 and have just changed contraception types. A close friend) after 18 years of trying! Fellpg at the age of 52 naturally and extremely unexpectedly. Not sure how true this is... but she was told by her GP that just before the body goes into peri-menopause it has a little last gasp of fertility.

MayFayner · 10/01/2018 10:47

Get the MAP.

I'm 41 and have the copper coil. I got it 18 months ago and it has a 10 year lifespan so I'm keeping it for the duration. Both my grandmothers had babies into their 40s, as do lots of people.

Isadora2007 · 10/01/2018 10:49

I’d say actually if you’ve been using the withdrawal “method” for this long without a pregnancy then you’re probably okay.
I wouldn’t bank on that though if it would be a complete disaster to have a baby.

Cagliostro · 10/01/2018 10:49

We had unprotected sex at a time l really, really shouldn’t have been fertile. I know when I ovulate and the sperm definitely shouldn’t have lived long enough until I did...

Thankfully we were both happy to take the risk as I now have an 11 week old wriggling on my lap :o

Fertile windows are based on the vast majority and there will always be outliers.

I haven’t ever taken hormonal contraception, condoms have always been fine (as until that point we had happily used them, 15 years with two planned pregnancies) but it’s time for the snip now.

stitchglitched · 10/01/2018 10:50

Of course there is a risk of pregnancy if you have had unprotected sex. Get the MAP and have a very stern word with your partner about ejaculating in you against your agreement and when he doesn't want more children. And start using condoms.

JapaneseBirdPainting · 10/01/2018 10:51

Also...If your partner does not 'like' condoms and so 'prefers' withdrawal (a problem in itself if he is not willing to take some sort of decent responsibility, but that's another thread.....) can you try the female condom with spermicide? I've used them before when I had issues with hormonals and my DH liked it (except for the squeaking.... )

sunandmoonshine · 10/01/2018 10:51

@yesnewnameofcourse

OMG yes. Do get the MAP. The risk of pregnancy at 45 is very low, but there is still a risk. You don't want to be having a baby at 45/46 FFS!

And use protection from now on!

stitchglitched · 10/01/2018 10:51

And yes if he did it deliberately then LTB.

Original poster
Yesnewnameofcourse · 10/01/2018 10:51

Lola?
So day 15 is dodgy. Just read that day 14 is most likely ovulation day. If I wanted to get pregnant I'd be most likely just before ovulation rather than after.....or am I confused?

The MAP made me feel like jumping off a building. As does every pill incl mini pill which left me quite unstable and crying every day. I'm allergic to all condoms. I have serious life threatening reactions to lots of things, food, air related, not just mild irritation. Even tried copper coil, my body pushed it out, I bled heavily from the day it went in and I had extra sensitivity to all other allergens whilst it was in there. Mirena was the same except I felt so tired, Ill, irrational and moody.

So MAP it is then.

I think I need to sit down with DP and talk about this. In the past he's had trouble with finishing and never cum inside me. It was obviously emotional and I sensed it was fear of pregnancy. His children were both unplanned. He's a great dad to all four. However since we started planning wedding he seems to have relaxed and rather than avoid risk he's almost pushing to make mistakes. I don't want more DC, it's not ideal, but it's not me that is very anti either. If he did, we would. I love children and if it happened I'd be ok, not over the moon but I couldn't conceive of abortion. I'm fairly certain he wouldn't allow that and be mortified if it ever came to that. I'm going to get MAP. But I feel I'm somehow making decisions that he's unwilling to make.

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 10/01/2018 10:53

If he wilfully ignored an agreement both of you had, that's a bigger problem than whether to take the MAP or not, IMO.

But it's difficult for the man when he is so excited to know exactly the right moment to pull out. That's why it is so unreliable.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 10/01/2018 10:53

"But I feel I'm somehow making decisions that he's unwilling to make."

What do you mean?

swingofthings · 10/01/2018 10:54

Statistic wise, very unlikely, but not impossible, so if you want to be 100% certain not to end up with a positive test, get the MAP asap.

JapaneseBirdPainting · 10/01/2018 10:54

Oh OP. You need to talk to the GP about sterilising one of you then. If an accident is a disaster and give your history with hormones- bite the bullet.

(I'm having the same conversation with DH myself......I'm holding back a bit as I can't quite believe I'm 'done' yet with babies, even though I know intellectually I am)