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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think risk of pregnancy is virtually zero

120 replies

Yesnewnameofcourse · 10/01/2018 10:10

Regular, but name changed for this as I feel a bit silly really.

I might have been a bit silly too. DP and I have been together 2 years, live together and have wedding planned. We have never used contraception, just the withdrawal method. I have just turned 45 and he is 50. So far so good except last night and the night before he either misjudged it or willfully ignored and cum inside me. He has always said he doesn't want more children. I have two, he has two.

Ive looked online but can't work out whether I'm fertile before or after ovulation or even when ovulation is likely on a 28 day cycle. I'm on day 15 of my cycle. My periods are 28 days like clockwork, and my mother had late menopause. However I am 45! Am I being silly to think pregnancy is virtually impossible? Do I need the MAP? It really messes up my head emotionally when I've taken it in the past. And due to autoimmune issues and severe allergies no contraception has been suitable. Feel a bit stupid. So please don't just tell me that.

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 10/01/2018 17:55

Rape? Doesn't feel like it. He's always been so good, never done this before.

And now he has done it. It was clearly not what you agreed to. Just because you didn't scream Stop! at the time doesn't mean you wanted it, so that was rape.

Mxyzptlk · 10/01/2018 18:02

This morning, no mention of the last two days "mistakes" and hasn't asked about map.

That after his deliberate PIV(aka rape of you)! He's not safe to have sex with till you've sorted this out.

100YearsOfVote · 10/01/2018 21:14

I'm 50 and on a fairly stable 28/29 day cycle. I track myself on the Clue Ap. Day 15 is maximum fertility for me so I would take MAP.

Clue is pretty good ap op.

Original poster
Yesnewnameofcourse · 11/01/2018 00:56

Thank you everyone for your help. I've finished work, taken map and now re-reading. Yes two years and no reason to worry. We have been careful, despite how it seems. He's always had self control, I've been happy to take this risk, knowing the probability of pregnancy is low due to age. But I panicked when he decided po gf his own bat to cum inside me, I panicked more so when 8 looked at the calendar.

I'm away. Spoke earlier by phone, he hasn't asked if I've got it or taken it. I find that odd from someone who stated they didn't want more DCs.

In every other way he's brilliant, lovely, generous, loving, kind. Can be a bit insecure and clingy. But nothing controlling or manipulative. We never argue, and when I'm prickly or upset about anything he's very supportive. I'm also very certain he isn't cheating. Apart from going to work and one half day out with the boys (DC's) on his own, we are together. He's also very very attentive. No changes in behaviour.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/01/2018 06:01

No changes in behaviour ? You said in a previous post his sexual behaviour had changed greatly. I don't think you know this man at all.

Original poster
Yesnewnameofcourse · 11/01/2018 06:19

The only change is taking risks with this one thing.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/01/2018 06:32

"This one thing"

The implications are huge of "this one thing". I fear you are not listening to either us nor to his behaviour.

OnionKnight · 11/01/2018 06:41

He raped you, he ignored your wishes and entered you again before he ejaculated inside you.

Putting your fingers in your ears and shouting lalala won't make that fact go away.

AstridWhite · 11/01/2018 06:57

*Am I being silly to think pregnancy is virtually impossible?

Yes you are being silly. It's unlikely at 45 but given what you've said about your cycle it's certainly not virtually impossible.

The MAP made me feel like jumping off a building.

Probably best not to be relying on the notoriously useless withdrawal method then. Confused Why haven't one of you or both of you just got sterilised by now, given the long list of contraceptives that don't suit you and the fact that neither of you want more children?

As it's pretty unlikely that you've conceived due to your age, I suppose you could just wait and see what happens and be prepared for an abortion if necessary.

But that will be worse than the MAP, surely.

TheLuminaries · 11/01/2018 06:58

Truth be told his were unplanned to women he didn't love.

Oh yes, you can hear the story now if you got pregnant and he decided to bail....It will be entirely your fault as he refuses to take any responsibility for contraception and then when (big surprise!) he gets a woman pregnant the bitch trapped him.

Seriously, don't listen to what he says, go by what he does. He does not care about your health risks taking the MAP and if you get pregnant it is your fault. This is a deeply selfish man.

Original poster
Yesnewnameofcourse · 11/01/2018 07:52

He didn't bail before. ONS, and a relationship where he was left despite him trying to do the right thing. But yep, I fear some of what you say could be right TheLuminaries.

OP posts:
BoredOnMatLeave · 11/01/2018 08:12

Do you genuinely feel like he didn't rape you OP? I would feel extremely violated if a partner did that to me and I would never trust them again. There's a very similar thread recently with a similar situation, you might want to read it

wherethevioletsgrow · 11/01/2018 08:21

Sorry, why is it 'virtually nil' chance of getting pregnant when you are having periods, are not in menopause and sound like you would have late menopause, and had unprotected sex at the most fertile point in your cycle???
Did I miss something in my biology lessons? If you were 55, I would say virtually nil but if you won't go through the menopause for another 10 years, why would you be completely infertile now? Is someone who goes through menopause at 40 completely infertile at 30?

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 11/01/2018 08:23

@wherethevioletsgrow
I think its that on average a womans fertility sharply and steadily declines from around her late 30s onwards

wherethevioletsgrow · 11/01/2018 08:27

Well, that's probably based on her going through the menopause at a particular age. If the OP thinks she is likely to have late menopause because her mother did, has completely regular cycles still, then I would assume that she would be fertile for a longer period of time than someone who went through menopause at 48 for instance. Women can and do get pregnant at 45 so 'virtually nil' at the most fertile point of the cycle when there are no signs of infertility is surely hugely off the mark.

PipGirl404 · 11/01/2018 08:36

I'm amazed you get to 45 thinking the withdrawal "method" is an acceptable form of contraception.

bananafish81 · 11/01/2018 08:37

Sorry, why is it 'virtually nil' chance of getting pregnant when you are having periods, are not in menopause and sound like you would have late menopause, and had unprotected sex at the most fertile point in your cycle???
Did I miss something in my biology lessons? If you were 55, I would say virtually nil but if you won't go through the menopause for another 10 years, why would you be completely infertile now? Is someone who goes through menopause at 40 completely infertile at 30?

At the age of 30 around half a woman's eggs are chromosomally normal

By the age of 40 this is around 10-15%

By the age of 45 that's around 1-2% at best

Women can have period till they're 50 but the chances of conceiving are close to zero at the age of 45 - or at least, 1-2% max

That's with their own eggs. Women can get pregnant with donor eggs at any age. But in the OP she's talking about conceiving naturally

Someone who goes through menopause at 40 will be much much less fertile at age 30 than another woman would be, because their egg reserves are depleting at such an aggressive rate. That's egg quantity. Egg quality is higher so a woman with low ovarian reserve in their 30s still has a higher chance of pregnancy than a woman with decent ovarian reserve in their 40s. Egg quality is related to age

But at 45 the rate of aneuploidy is so high even with an ovarian reserve that's exceptionally above average, the likelihood of finding a good egg is still miniscule

bananafish81 · 11/01/2018 08:38

Biology lessons don't teach about age related aneuploidy and its impact on fertility.

SheilaFentiman · 11/01/2018 09:04

If you don't wish to describe it as rape, OP, that is your choice about your own experience.

But it was certainly a conscious decision on his part to commit a huge breach of trust. It's not 'a little thing'.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/01/2018 10:42

the fact that you describe him like this, in such detail, but it completely contradicts the MASSIVE breach of trust you describe in your OP means that you genuinely do not know this man.

His actions were totally wrong, broke trust, and shows that he overrode your consent and feels it's ok to do that.

I strongly suggest you put brakes on any marriage plans, have BIG talk about consent with him and watch and wait.

Red flags. Two years in, perfectly reasonable that they might start rearing their ugly heads.

Slow down big time.

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