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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think risk of pregnancy is virtually zero

120 replies

Yesnewnameofcourse · 10/01/2018 10:10

Regular, but name changed for this as I feel a bit silly really.

I might have been a bit silly too. DP and I have been together 2 years, live together and have wedding planned. We have never used contraception, just the withdrawal method. I have just turned 45 and he is 50. So far so good except last night and the night before he either misjudged it or willfully ignored and cum inside me. He has always said he doesn't want more children. I have two, he has two.

Ive looked online but can't work out whether I'm fertile before or after ovulation or even when ovulation is likely on a 28 day cycle. I'm on day 15 of my cycle. My periods are 28 days like clockwork, and my mother had late menopause. However I am 45! Am I being silly to think pregnancy is virtually impossible? Do I need the MAP? It really messes up my head emotionally when I've taken it in the past. And due to autoimmune issues and severe allergies no contraception has been suitable. Feel a bit stupid. So please don't just tell me that.

OP posts:

Clandestino · 10/01/2018 12:39

OP, your total ignorance of your own body is staggering.
You are still in fertile age. You can still have children. You don't use any contraception, withdrawal method is not a contraception, it's Russian roulette.
Sterilisation isn't risky. It won't make you menopausal any sooner. Just makes it impossible for the egg to get into your uterus.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 10/01/2018 12:50

What about non-latex condoms with non-latex lube (couldn’t hurt to try?), no PIV sex (wouldn’t work for everyone), tracking your cycle or a diaphragm?

Idk. Your partner sounds like a mug.

it’s your body. And you being pregnant (whether you have an abortion, a baby, a miscarriage or any other complication) will have many ‘side effects’ that you alone will need to deal with. Your DP doesn’t seem to understand that.

swingofthings · 10/01/2018 12:52

Let's not get carried away. The science is clear, it is exceptional to get pregnant after 45 especially when you are not actively trying, so even though it's not impossible, the likelihood is not worth fretting over it. Get the MAP just for full ease of mind.

The problem is that you seem to have conflicted emotional issues with it. It's easy to let a minuscule change of something happening take over imagining what it would be like, but don't let this take over making you suddenly think you might want a child because you could easily go from having totally given up on the idea to becoming quite desperate, and that would be even tougher emotionally considering that it would be so unlikely to happen, even if you both agreed to let nature decide.

PollyBanana · 10/01/2018 12:53

If you're giving him a BJ to finish but he stops you when he's close to climax and returns to PIV to ejaculate, that is NOT getting carried away!
That is consciously, intentionally, proactively putting you at risk of pregnancy.
I'd be rethinking the wedding (unless of course it's going to be a shotgun one)

FundayMorning · 10/01/2018 12:53

I thought in the opening post that this had occurred to you the next day when you remembered his fingers may have been a bit spermy (I still can't figure out how he got sleek on his fingers...).

But it sounds like you actively decided to make the fingers spermy and then agreed to have them inserted? Or you at least knew the fingers were spermy and found that appealing?

So you knew sperm had been inside you. And you're thinking this probably doesn't count because a penis wasn't involved?

Right...

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 10/01/2018 12:54

That night DTD, PIV then I signalled to stop, pulled away and went to give BJ to finish him off, he started to get very near, pushed me off then went for PIV until he cums in me then pulled out leaving some on me.

Jesus. OP, that is rape. You signalled stop. You pulled away and made it very obvious that you wanted to give him a blowjob. He made it obvious that he didn’t want one (his right).

But he pushed you off, positioned you (so he could penetrate you again), penetrated you (even though you made it very obvious that you did not want to continue having vaginal sex) and orgasmed inside your body (which he knew you didn’t want!).

I’m so sorry.

FundayMorning · 10/01/2018 12:54

*Sperm, not sleek.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 10/01/2018 12:55

Most people who rely on withdrawal also track their fertile days and avoid those.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/01/2018 12:58

You're fairly certain he wouldn't 'allow' you to have an abortion? This same guy who sounds as if he also has difficulty understanding consent for PIV sex??

I tell you what, why don't you save yourself a lot of hassle and stop planning that wedding?

Two years isn't that long.

I'd wait longer when it looked as if my two-year partner was just starting to show their colours as a potential misogynist wanker.

BertieBotts · 10/01/2018 12:59

There is about a 20% chance you'll conceive. It's not so much conception that gets more difficult but miscarriage and chance of abnormalities goes up. Also chance of twins!

Not everyone ovulate on day 14 and the egg can live for 24h anyway.

FundayMorning · 10/01/2018 13:00

Oh. Just read your updates. Something weird going on there OP. At 45 and 50 and with 4 children between you, you should probably call time on the baby-making stage don't you think?

I would refuse to have any sort of sex with him again until you have discussed this and he has agreed to no more babies. Then you get contraception.

BertieBotts · 10/01/2018 13:01

:( sorry, I should have read to the end of the thread first.

Mxyzptlk · 10/01/2018 13:47

If you're giving him a BJ to finish but he stops you when he's close to climax and returns to PIV to ejaculate, that is NOT getting carried away!
That is consciously, intentionally, proactively putting you at risk of pregnancy. I'd be rethinking the wedding

This character isn't considering you at all. He's only thinking about himself and his wants and doesn't care about the effects for you.
Is that really who you want to be with?
(If it is, you need to give him a good talking to and sort out what's going on.)

FundayMorning · 10/01/2018 14:02

Oh god, sorry, I've been posting on the wrong thread! Thought this was the spermy fingers one! Oops.

BlueSapp · 10/01/2018 14:05

Days 8 to 19 are the danger days for pregnancy. So I wouldn't rely on you thinking your too old to get pregnant either if you have regular periods its always possible.

Original poster

Yesnewnameofcourse · 10/01/2018 14:06

Fingers? Not me.

I remember last time I took map I felt fine for about 36hrs. So I'll melt down Friday and Saturday probably, if I do. DP can support me, after all it's his doing too.

I will definitely be instigating an honest discussion about motivations and contraception.

Rape? Doesn't feel like it. He's always been so good, never done this before. He's always pulled out. Always struggled to finish, always have had to help him out. He said it was because he didn't want to risk pregnancy, so he stops himself, then can't relax. He has always seemed to prefer having oral to completion to avoid risk.

Last night he was right on the verge, pushed my head away (gently) I rolled over. He got up, pushed knees up to shoulders, and only just managed a few seconds. It's odd because he has self control, so why is he wanting to play Russian roulette all of a sudden. It's the complete change in habbit and attitude too that has left me feeling so confused.

I asked about diaphragm. Nurse said she thought I'd react to spermicide. Maybe. But im going to ask him outright "why are you happy to risk making me pregnant now" if he isn't I will ask him to get vasectomy. If he's not ambivalent and sure he will do it. I'm less than 100 percent certain but If he is, then he needs to take responsibility for that.

OP posts:

Redhound · 10/01/2018 14:46

Abusive partners often don't start abusive, they suck you in then start trying it on and get progressively worse. Really, please don't marry this guy! At least delay and watch his behaviour carefully. He should not have done what he did and I am sure you know that logically. A good person would not have risked your health like that.

CountFosco · 10/01/2018 14:49

If you don't get on with MAP I'd try the copper coil but I see you've had problems with that as well. But refuse sex until you have a permanent contraception solution in place.

I have lots of friends who have had babies in their 40s, a friend just had her third at 46. Most women aren't trying for children anymore in their 40s so we don't have any good stats on the fertility rate, the stats we do have are generally from fertility clinics so from people with fertility problems anyway. So you definitely need to take some form of emergency contraception.

But your big problem is your partner putting you into this position. You need to have a serious chat about what he did and what impact that has on your future together. We've all just seen a snapshot of your relationship that doesn't look good, only you can look at it in the context of your whole relationship. Are there any other red flags that you've ignored up to now? For example, I'd be very concerned that he claims he didn't love the mothers of DC1&2. Once is a mistake but these 'unplanned' children are beginning to look deliberate considering what he just did to you.

Jaygee61 · 10/01/2018 15:19

If at 45 you haven't got pregnant in two years of what is basically unprotected sex it is not that likely. But you might want to take the MAP and get some actual contraception sorted.

Boakboak · 10/01/2018 15:25

I got up the duff just after my period finished which is supposed to be the most infertile time right?!

fastfrank · 10/01/2018 15:37

Your partner doesn't respect your sexual wishes. He sounds like an utter bell.

InAPickleToday · 10/01/2018 15:54

I have fallen pregnant from not using a condom just the once, I have also fallen pregnant using condoms. They are not reliable.

Emlou07 · 10/01/2018 15:57

I’m going to be blunt here and probably get jumped on for it!

Could he be seeing someone else? I’ve read countless times that bedroom behaviour can rapidly change if one of you starts sleeping with someone else.

Even if that isn’t the case, wtf OP! Just because it ‘didn’t feel like rape’ doesn’t mean it wasn’t. It effectively was.

Sounds like a massive control thing and I would be very very wary if I were you! Please take care op x

swingofthings · 10/01/2018 16:11

that is NOT getting carried away!
I meant carried away making OP think that her chances her pregnancy are more than very minimal. The reality is that although a possibility, it is still a minimal one.

BertieBotts · 10/01/2018 17:13

Boak - not necessarily, when I was tracking sometimes my fertile time would start almost as soon as my period finished. It's just before a period you can't, but unless you've been tracking ovulation you can't guarantee that you're actually due on! Sometimes you can have delayed ovulation which might cause you to be fertile when you think your period is due.

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