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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be ‘setting up daughter as target for bullying’

228 replies

Mumyum1 · 09/01/2018 14:28

So my daughter is 10 days old and the name I have chosen for her would give her the initials A.S.S.

DH is not having it. He wants the ‘A’ changed to ‘i’ so it would be I.S.S. The pronounciation of the first name would be the same but the cultural connotation (for his and my (different) culture) of the A spelling would be lost and that’s really important to me. Our children’s names have always been a lovely bridge between our two cultures. Even his parents who were opposed to our relationship love our children’s names for their meanings and symbolism.

I do believe I will grow a human who will withstand such pressure should it occur however I don’t want to be the ass either, who wants it her way or the high way. Just so hard to be objective when the spelling of the name in my mind carries a lot of weight.

All opinions welcome. (Our previous two took us 6 weeks to agree on everything and both visits to registry office saw us barely speaking to each other. With the second one I felt so sorry for the poor registrar who witnessed our (civilised) disagreement over the spelling of DC2’s name. (I didn’t win). So this agreeing on a name in the first week is pretty awesome).

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 09/01/2018 18:36

I don't think anyone will make the connection as she won't be writing her 3 initials regularly. But:-

I do believe I will grow a human who will withstand such pressure should it occur

^ This is naive in the extreme. You won't be living her life for her, putting up with taunts and feelings of unhappiness and embarrassment, should it come to that.

The things that can make a young person feel really shitty don't all fall under the heading of "mum will make it better". No matter how positive you are, the outside (school) world can be a very harsh place.

RidingWindhorses · 09/01/2018 18:42

Change the middle name rather than the first name.

Glumglowworm · 09/01/2018 18:49

Change the middle name

Nobody plans to grow an anxious or vulnerable child you know. Don’t land her with such awful initials.

Sparklemummyx0x0x · 09/01/2018 18:55

Just reading through these. Going through my relatives.

My brother has initials ARS and I don't think he's ever been picked on for it. I don't even think it's been an issue or something even mentioned. He's 32. Though initials are spelled out by each letter, not by the word they make.

My nephew was going to be BRA so they changed middle name to J which now makes his first 2 initials BJ. Don't think they thought of that.

Shimshiminysheroo · 09/01/2018 18:58

No. Just no. Change the middle name.

Shimshiminysheroo · 09/01/2018 18:58

How would you like to be an ASS for the rest of your life?!

SnowyChristmasWish · 09/01/2018 19:01

Don’t do it. Your DH is right. Either change one of the names or add an extra middle name.

kaytee87 · 09/01/2018 19:02

Yep just add an extra middle name

be47 · 09/01/2018 19:06

I ended up with the initials BJ

I don't mind now but as a teenager it was utterly mortifying having the boys in my year shout that at me. Not worth the risk IMO!

Thesecondtoast · 09/01/2018 19:12

Solicitors for example regularly use their initials as their references, they are referred to by them in the office sometimes. Not worth the risk.

FluffyWuffy100 · 09/01/2018 19:14

Oh come on, no one wants their initials to spell ASS!

lastqueenofscotland · 09/01/2018 19:17

My initials are a bit daft and went to school with two people whose initials were BOG and SHIT
Don't do it

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2018 19:28

@bluebottlebubble please do not do it.

Change middle name or add another name. My son has three middle names.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/01/2018 19:29

Strawberry, its a good idea but then she would end up with SAS... lol

weasle · 09/01/2018 19:44

No I wouldn't do it.
I use my three initials on a daily basis.
Add another middle name and keep the first name you love.

Tistheseason17 · 09/01/2018 19:54

No. We added a second middle name.
Kids are mean and like to find something. Don't make it easy for them!

SeaEagleFeather · 09/01/2018 20:06

morphene, i'd have the damn sense to realise I couldn't control other people's children or the children's parents.

I'm impressed you think I might have that potential tho ;)

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/01/2018 21:17

For God's sake please don't give your kid ASS as initial...

Kids WILL notice... I had a pal whose childhood initials were STD... Another who was VD, and another who was TIT.... Everyone noticed and some really bullied them about it... Throughout school.

Become SAS as an alternative??

rightsaidfrederickII · 09/01/2018 21:23

You could swap the first and middle names around, but have her known by her middle name. I know someone who did this to avoid the initials SAD

Snowdrop18 · 09/01/2018 21:25

"I don't think anyone will make the connection as she won't be writing her 3 initials regularly"

I still think it's a double barrelled surname but OP is being parent to a newborn so I guess we'll never know. But don't do it OP!

Morphene · 09/01/2018 23:01

seaeagle right so your strategy is to accept the existence of bullying and bullies and try and make sure its some other poor kid they pick on rather than yours? Maybe the kid with the disabilities that can't do anything about standing out?

I hate to see people advising others to change their children or the way their children present to society in order to avoid bullying. That doesn't stop bullying AT ALL. All that does is dump shit on some other poor unfortunate. While we tolerate bullying and accept it as unavoidable there will be bullies taking advantage.

The only way to prevent bullying is to tackle bullies. The only way to set up someone for bullying is to teach them its okay to bully.

humansnowman · 09/01/2018 23:07

Seriously don't do it.

Kids pick up on the most innocuous things. Even though I've now changed my name by deedpoll my initials when I was younger were KFS

Innocent?

Try knife, fork n spoon as a nickname. Forky for short.

WanderingTrolley1 · 09/01/2018 23:08

Yes, you’re setting her up for ridicule.

humansnowman · 09/01/2018 23:12

And wrt the bullying thing. I was bullied relentlessly from the day I walked into my secondary school till the day they chucked me out.

I was told it was ME who had the problem and that I had to learn to ignore the bullies and make myself less of a target.

20 years on and I still feel the impact of the bullying every fucking day. Resilience strategies aren't effective as you might think.

StillSeekingResponsibleAdult · 09/01/2018 23:12

No-one cares about, or ever uses middle names. Just call her AS, or change the middle name to something other than S if the A is very important to you.

At work the computers need 3 initials for sign in, I have no middle name so was just given a random letter. Lots of people don't like their middle names and still think I'm trying to conceal something by saying I don't have one!