AIBU about my husbands relationship

[Sophievjc]

Sorry for the length of this but I am going out of my mind slightly right now.

My husband met a woman at work they have become friendly, played badminton a few times ect. My husband went on a department night out in August (she doesn't work in his department and wasn't there) and was going to cycle home. She ended up giving him a lift home as he was drunk/hurt his knee but they stopped halfway to get a drink so I wouldn't know he didn't cycle. I found the receipt the next day and asked him if he had come straight home n he dodged around the issue and slowly admitted he got a lift back, then admitted who from, then to stopping for drinks, then that they had been messaging a lot(and he was deleting the messages so i wouldn't find out) & that he had been confiding in her about things he hadn't been telling me about. Then after me asking a million questions to get that far found out he that they had had a few cuddles and she had tried to kiss him on one occasion.
After all this I told him I didn't want him to be hanging out with her and messaging her, I get that he cant cut her out completly as he has to work in the same place a her.
I found out yesterday that they have been having friendly chit chats at work and have been messaging again for last couple months, right after me having got pregnant. I had a miscarriage that hasn't gone very well and had to be in the hospital saturday night for mmm and I now feel so confused and lost.

AIBU to have asked him to stop in the first place?
AIBU to be so upset and pissed off with him now? Am I over reacting to my husband having a friend or am I right that this is more than a friendly relationship?? Is it just the pregnancy hormones that have made me overly upset about this??

Flip it on it's head. If you were doing this, how would he react? His weakness in putting this relationship onto a work only footing shows disrespect for you, your marriage and your feelings. He has a grown up decision to make. You should not have to hand hold him through it, he should know a line has been crossed and sort it but is too weak as he has to work with her. A simple "no" and repeat, when asked to meet, chat etc would suffice. You have to be tough here and tell him again. Calmly and directly.

"Whatever this relationship is, it needs to stop. You are disrespecting me, our life, our marriage and my trust by allowing it to continue. If I were behaving as you are, you would be as uncomfortable about this as I am. No text, no drinks, no cosy chit chats. You are putting our marriage at risk. Think about that.'

Then walk away and leave him to think about it. Please do not think about having a baby until he has sorted this properly. Good luck op.x

People may be quick to call this an emotional affair but I'm yet to understand how this is different to a friendship.

They've cuddled and she's tried to kiss him that's why! And he has lied re the drinks and the lift. It's on it's way to being an affair if it's not already.

If it was all above board he would have come home early and said 'X gave me a lift because I hurt my knee'. As it stands it sounds like they planned it in advance to give them time to get together.

Fluent,
A man would be unlikely to cuddle with him and try and kiss him.
This is the line that was crossed that took this from friends to something else.
He cuddled her. Op only had his word that he did not kiss her back.
This is not the behaviour of a friend and she (and he) should know this is out of order without being told.

I think my main problem is that I don't know how deep this is going, he's deleting all there chats from his phone so he obviously wanted to hide it from me in the first place. We already have 2 children and this is our second miscarriage. This pregnancy was slightly unplanned it that we wanted a third but were going to wait till the summer to try

This is only going one way.
Tell him it stops now or he can go with it and see if the grass is really greener on the other side. She is obviously after him and he is enjoying the attention.
The fact that he is hiding it all from you is a huge red flag.

fluent the fact that he is lying to op, hiding messages, going for drinks on the sly with this woman, having 'cuddles' with her and she has tried to kiss him (yeah bet he fought that off!) is nothing 'wrong'?

Yanbu what is he playing at, I wouldnt put up with it personally, He sounds really manipulative. Hes obviously cheating.

People may be quick to call this an emotional affair but I'm yet to understand how this is different to a friendship.

I find people don't tend to lie if it's a purely platonic friendship and therein lies the difference

Sorry op but something is amiss here. He's acting inappropriately, how much you are willing to tolerate is up to you

Nothing has happened as such but alarm bells would be ringing for me the fact that he has lied, deleted all messages etc. If it was just a friendship surely he wouldn't feel the need to delete the conversation as a back up, you wouldn't lie about where you were etc either so in my mind it shows he knows it's not right and yet instead of stopping it or being upfront he has chosen to carry on and hide it from you.

Do not get pregnant again until this is sorted. Make sure all your finances are in order, and make sure you have some savings. Ensure all debts are in his name and if not move them to his name - including bills. Who owns the house?

Also I would be checking where he is, what he's doing and looking at his phone and SM each day.

Im 50/50 and on the fence with this one.

Firstly, I'm the type of female who has more male friends than female. According to my psychiatrist- all to do with issues with my mother but that's another issue!

When I got with dp, he met me because he was friends with one of my male friends and he seen me frequently out with him.

Over the years I go out for meals, to the cinema, bowling, shopping etc with these friends and leave dp at home. Also I text just as much as a close female friend.

Nothing apart from a hug, and once when very drunk one tried to kiss me, but apart from that nothing has ever happened.

Secondly, on the other hand, this could be an indication of something going on, as he's hidden it from you...

At the end of the day, you know your dp. Is he usually more friendly around females? Does he have a lot of female friends? and so on.

I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage I can imagine that this has cast a lot of doubt for you, and is a lot deal with during which is a very difficult time.

I'd bet money on it being physical. You only have his word she kissed him - I highly doubt that's all that's happened.

Totally cheaters script - first deny, then only admit to something minimal, lie, cover tracks - nah

If you're to have ANY chance of rebuilding trust he needs to be COMPLETELY honest inc showing you their messages, and he needs to put her firmly back in colleague box and not see her outside of work.

That said I was very suspicious of my ex on far less evidence initially, played the long game and found more solid evidence by which point ow was pregnant!

You are very vulnerable right now he SHOULD be putting kids 1st and you 2nd 3rd and 4th and SHE shouldn't even be on his radar.

Aw poor you this is so difficult and what a hard time you're having.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Please do not doubt yourself, your gut instinct which comes from all of your life experience is telling you something is wrong and I agree with you.

He is behaving as if he has something to hide. Deleting messages and making it look like he didn't get a lift, if everything was innocent, why the covering up, I'd be so upset if this happened to me 💐 You are absolutely right to be very upset about it.!

I would ask him straight if he has feelings for her, and if he does then something has to change and be sorted out to save your relationship.

Love to you OP💕

I couldn't bear the lies and betrayal and yes it is a betrayal of trust - if there is nothing in it at all, why lie and why delete messages? If the roles were reversed and you were sneaking chats and having cuddles elsewhere I'm sure he wouldn't tolerate it. People only usually lie to save themselves, so he knows it's not right and so do you

My DP has plenty of female friends. I know he messages a few as they have similar interests. BUT he doesn't lie about it. I've met all his friends. They don't try to cuddle or kiss him. He doesn't delete any messages and is very open about, you know, chatting to his friends.

The fact that they sloped off for a private drink just the two of them. Especially as it was premeditated and calculated just so you didn't guess he hadn't cycled home!! Seriously. They did it to cover their tracks. Why would any normal innocent person do that!?

Why is he deleting messages? Is it just her messages? Do you have a history of an issue with reading messages or is this out of the blue?

Did he mention the cuddling and trying to kiss after all the other stuff had come out? was he forced to or was he open about it? When did she try to kiss him -before or after their private drink? If before, why put himself in that position again?

Sorry. There's a lot to think about. And I am so so sorry for your loss. It's just awful. I hope you have some rl support. take care

You have to make it clear - You will not tolerate them messaging one another/friendly chats.

There is obviously a reason he is deleting the messages if it was all above board he wouldn’t have a problem you seeing the content.

Also point out what he could lose if he contnues.

So sorry for your loss op and everything you're going through
I don't think you're overreacting at all and I'd be fuming if my DH was still messaging a woman who tried to kiss him, whilst going through the trauma of a miscarriage. I'd expect him to be more considerate during a vulnerable time. Maybe I'm too harsh but I couldn't bear the betrayal. It's a pretty cunty way to behave on his and her part to be honest.

Neither of us have a lot of friends, were both socially awkward. He has in the past been closer with women than men but this is just odd.
The kiss was before and he says he moved away before the kiss could happen and told her it wasnt like that. I have never snooped through his phone but i do know his code and have used his phone to message for him when hes driving or something as any normal couple would. I have said that if rhis continues then thats it and i will divorce him but i don't know if he realises how serious i am

but I'm yet to understand how this is different to a friendship. The lies, and secrecy! I feel no need to withhold from my dh that I had a drink with a friend, and I don't feel the need to hide the fact that they drive me home

Wait, what? "A few cuddles"????

For me, the line is where you talk about things with the 'friend' that you would feel awkward saying in front of your partner. The test of it 'just' being a friendship is to be prepared for your partner to read/listen to anything you say to each other. In this example, deleting messages would not be acceptable.

Keeping the messages, letting me read them and decide for myself (reassure me) whether they were acceptable would be, well, the only way forward.

Lies and deleting messages would be a dealbreaker for my marriage as we as him not respecting how I feel because he values this ‘friendship’ more.

Ok. So the attempted kiss happened before the party. He told her no. Yet. He accepts a lift with her home (when drunk) after a party she's apparently not been invited to (did she also wheedle her way in or was she loitering waiting for him to leave?) then not only leaves himself alone with her in a drunken state but then stops to have a drink with just her (alone in a different place with no colleagues or people to know he's married) JUST to avoid you finding out he didn't cycle home. Then he lies to you (by omission) and only finally reveals the truth after you confront him with evidence.

If you had any inclination at all that someone had a bit of a thing for you (and there's no denying he knows this) why would you put yourself in that position?

And if you don't have a previous issue with messages - why is he deleting hers? Is it just hers? What is he saying that no one can see?

I'm sorry op. But even taking into consideration if he's socially awkward none of this makes sense.

What is his reaction to you being upset. it doesn't sound like he's all that bothered to be honest if he's promised before and is back chatting with her

Why did he lie initially?

"Oh you're home? Did you get home ok? You seem to be limping a bit"
"Actually a woman from work gave me a lift"
"Ah cool."

Thats how it would go in our house. So whilst I'm not in favour of telling DH he cant have female friends that would be a huge issues to me - the need to lie.

Deleting the messages because why? What is in them he wouldn't risk you seeing?

Even if he pushed her off and nothing has ever happened, he at least feels things are over the line to be hiding them. That is enough in itself to tell him to be open, stop seeing her or move on

My DH has close female friends. He can talk to them about me just as I talk to my friends about him. But he never feels he has to cover it up or delete messages, not that I have a need to look but sometimes we show each other our messages in a “read this funny convo” or “do you think they mean xyz” etc so the opportunity would be there for me to do so.

I think the lack of honesty and the amount you are having to probe to get answers shows there are issues here even if he has told you everything.