AIBU about my husbands relationship

[Sophievjc]

Sorry for the length of this but I am going out of my mind slightly right now.

My husband met a woman at work they have become friendly, played badminton a few times ect. My husband went on a department night out in August (she doesn't work in his department and wasn't there) and was going to cycle home. She ended up giving him a lift home as he was drunk/hurt his knee but they stopped halfway to get a drink so I wouldn't know he didn't cycle. I found the receipt the next day and asked him if he had come straight home n he dodged around the issue and slowly admitted he got a lift back, then admitted who from, then to stopping for drinks, then that they had been messaging a lot(and he was deleting the messages so i wouldn't find out) & that he had been confiding in her about things he hadn't been telling me about. Then after me asking a million questions to get that far found out he that they had had a few cuddles and she had tried to kiss him on one occasion.
After all this I told him I didn't want him to be hanging out with her and messaging her, I get that he cant cut her out completly as he has to work in the same place a her.
I found out yesterday that they have been having friendly chit chats at work and have been messaging again for last couple months, right after me having got pregnant. I had a miscarriage that hasn't gone very well and had to be in the hospital saturday night for mmm and I now feel so confused and lost.

AIBU to have asked him to stop in the first place?
AIBU to be so upset and pissed off with him now? Am I over reacting to my husband having a friend or am I right that this is more than a friendly relationship?? Is it just the pregnancy hormones that have made me overly upset about this??

Thanks for updating OP. I'm sorry things have been tough for you but I'm glad you're making steps to get things back on track.

I feel for you 😘 I wish you good luck and happiness 🤞🤞

I hope you find out you're better off without him. I'm not saying you should leave him but strong enough to be without him.

I think he got excited by the attention but has realised how much he needs his comfortable family life!

He hasn’t had any consequences for his actions : you have “swallowed the shit sandwich”.

Wow, OP, you are very strong and brave.
I Hope it works for you and he realises what he nearly lost

Dozer : He hasn’t had any consequences for his actions : you have “swallowed the shit sandwich”.
^ This.
You live a sham in front of the children, and once a week get to hear in 'a safe environment' all the reasons he shares about his need to shag OW which must sting and deflate your self esteem but you can learn about acceptance and forgiveness. And all the while he's still shagging OW and sitting in a weekly meeting is a small price for him.

I wonder why the OP hasn't posted since January 8th.

No need to wonder, just scroll back 2 hours

He's a cheater.

I'm confused. Why are you the one 'trying'? That should be him!

Sad for you, OP.

He bought her whaaaat? Valentine card? Sorry OP, but Valentine cards are given to husband/ wife if you’re married.

Sorry but looks like he’s already checked out of your marriage.

Yep, he's smitten. Sorry OP, he's checked out emotionally.

Here's how this will go. You will try because you want that third kid. He'll feed you a load of bollocks, which you'll swallow because you want another baby. So in 6 months you'll be back, 'Help! DH has left me for OW and I'm pregnant'. He's a liar who has gaslighted you and minimised. He is shagging her.

My OH had women come onto him back in the day. He has always told me, one friend scared the bejaysus out of him when she called round when he was at home soon after her husband had left her and made a pass at him, he phoned me to come and rescue him.

Thats the difference you see, when you can talk about it to each other.

Do even after what happened...he's proceeded to get her a Valentine's day card?

I've little patience for this kind of behaviour.

You just can't help some people

Cheating cruel husband

Last year I got married, did IVF and suffered a natural miscarriage at 9 wks (first pregnancy ever). I was in a bad state emotionally and physically for couple of months. During this time my new husband turned to a female friend who supported him. I was not aware of his woman until I noticed a lot of messaging over the year. My husband said he was helping her because she was trying to flee her abusive husband but she then started clinging onto him. The messaging was becoming constant and I was constantly saying to my husband this is not right and I started to get a gut feeling it was more than friends. BTW I never met or heard of this woman before and apparently she does not have a relationship with her 3 children. It seems they have sided with their father. The youngest lives with the ‘abusive father’.

She’s very manipulative and over the year made her intentions clear to my husband that he should leave his new wife to be with her. She ruined a few special occasions (family birthday, first year anniversary, New Year’s Eve). She was desperate for my husband to be with her.

In the new year my husband said he needed time out due to various issues effecting him (work, marriage, relationship with his daughter). He left the home and did not tell anyone where he is staying other than work and ‘friends’. I was worried and tried my best to seek help via counselling, speaking to his family, GP etc which none was appreciated. In our first couples counselling he admitted he had a physical relationship with her. The crashed my world, my marriage, my future hopes and dreams of having a family). Since then he’s made us separate and I think is having a relationship with this other woman. She recently posted very loving messages to my husband which he liked and loves. He still saying he wants to do counselling but I’m concerned he’s not really into it. This woman has damaged my life and taken away my wife rights. She so evil but my dumb husband does not see this. She broke the ‘girl code’ not to cheat on married men!

I’m strugglin to know what to do, I’m 45 and wanted a life with my husband. I’ve seaked legal advice but I need substantial proof plus I won’t get any financial win out of a short marriage. I am the real victim but yet my husband and twisted everything and blames me for him having an affair!

Ladies (and gentlemen) what would you do in my situation? X

Isreeh - sorry to hear your situation- you may get better responses by starting your own thread so replies don’t get lost/mixed up on this one

Three things. First, and foremost, the secrecy and deception. That alone tells you that this is not “just a friendship”. It would be perfectly normal for m/f friendships to involve a game of sport, the odd drink, but NOT where this is kept from the OH. What’s to hide?

Secondly, the kiss - given his deception, why believe that it was all one way?

Thirdly - you having a miscarriage means he should be a bit more sympathetic and attentive, instead of carrying on some effing secret friendship. Jesus wept.

I'm perfectly fine with DH having female friends, but the cuddling and 'she tried to kiss him 🤨' and the lying and the deleting her messages would be a huge no from me, I actually think you were very reasonable about it the first time. For him to then start it up again when you were having such an awful time, is a betrayal.

Gaaah ZOMBIE THREAD!!