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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my husbands relationship

122 replies

Sophievjc · 08/01/2018 10:17

Sorry for the length of this but I am going out of my mind slightly right now.

My husband met a woman at work they have become friendly, played badminton a few times ect. My husband went on a department night out in August (she doesn't work in his department and wasn't there) and was going to cycle home. She ended up giving him a lift home as he was drunk/hurt his knee but they stopped halfway to get a drink so I wouldn't know he didn't cycle. I found the receipt the next day and asked him if he had come straight home n he dodged around the issue and slowly admitted he got a lift back, then admitted who from, then to stopping for drinks, then that they had been messaging a lot(and he was deleting the messages so i wouldn't find out) & that he had been confiding in her about things he hadn't been telling me about. Then after me asking a million questions to get that far found out he that they had had a few cuddles and she had tried to kiss him on one occasion.
After all this I told him I didn't want him to be hanging out with her and messaging her, I get that he cant cut her out completly as he has to work in the same place a her.
I found out yesterday that they have been having friendly chit chats at work and have been messaging again for last couple months, right after me having got pregnant. I had a miscarriage that hasn't gone very well and had to be in the hospital saturday night for mmm and I now feel so confused and lost.

AIBU to have asked him to stop in the first place?
AIBU to be so upset and pissed off with him now? Am I over reacting to my husband having a friend or am I right that this is more than a friendly relationship?? Is it just the pregnancy hormones that have made me overly upset about this??

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 08/01/2018 12:25

My husband has 2 close female friends, they do give him a cuddle, and me when they see come to our house or we see them out anywhere.
They do not act the way the OPs DH is.
There is no lies, deleted messages or anything under hand. They think nothing of ringing me asking what he would like for Bday etc. They certainly have never tried to kiss him.

This isn't a normal male/female friendship.

Beamur · 08/01/2018 12:34

I have male friends, I might even occasionally moan about DH to them. No cuddles or kisses though, that's crossing a big line.

Mamabear4180 · 08/01/2018 12:39

He's hiding things from you and lying. That's the real crime. It would be over for me.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/01/2018 12:40

Don't message her.

She knows he is married. She doesn't care. Only HE can make it clear that his marriage is an absolute block to more.

You will become the crazy wife. The common enemy.

BanjoPier · 08/01/2018 12:42

I disagree with those saying don't message her. I was in a very similar situation with DH. Single work colleague v. friendly, situations engineered where they'd be on their own, cagey as fuck over his phone. I messaged her, told her to back the fuck off - she confirmed they'd been having an affair for 8 months. She did me a massive favour - made me realise I wasn't paranoid and controlling (his words when I dared question his "late nights at the office"), and despite 17 years together and DC he's now STBXH - she dumped him not long after, I did smile a little at that news...Wink If I could give you any advice it would be to trust your gut instinct, it rarely let's me down. Thanks

RestingGrinchFace · 08/01/2018 12:44

Any man who doesn't present a woman other than his wife who tries to kiss him with a freezing cold shoulder immediately is a scoundrel! She is a bad person, she made moves on him knowing he was married. He doesn't seem to care and wants to maintain a friendship with her. Quite frankly it seems like, at the very least, he likes the attention and is leading her on or, at worst, is considering cheating on you. He seems to be a bad person too. I would leave him before it's too late.

Bonbonbon · 08/01/2018 12:46

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Your husband needs to stop this behaviour right now, as I'm sorry to say that their relationship is on its way to becoming an affair, if it is not already.
As someone said above, most affairs don't happen because the person is looking for them, and they can happen in happy marriages.

Having been through this exact situation, I recommend that you read the book 'NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity' by Shirley Glass (or even just Part 1) immediately. It's available on Playbooks and Apple store so you can download it today. It is so so useful in explaining, from all 3 perspectives, what is happening, and where the boundaries are being crossed and how this leads to affairs.
Get your husband to read it too, or talk to him about walls and windows as described in the book. He needs to take this seriously.

Jaxhog · 08/01/2018 12:47

Well I have friends who are men, but I don't cuddle with them or lie about spending time with them. So this isn't a 'normal' friendship.

If it were my DH, I'd be asking him to stop too.

TakeTheCrown · 08/01/2018 12:55

Men tend to (not all, but many) minimize like crazy. He's lying, being evasive, deleting messages, and if he told you they cuddled and she tried to kiss him I'd guess it was more, and he's just getting his side in now in case you contact her or she contacts you. This is at the very least an emotional affair and you should treat it that way.

londonrach · 08/01/2018 12:55

Sorry op....she kissed him...it be both ways. I put money on that. Theres more going on than he says.

CardinalCat · 08/01/2018 14:20

Are you still there, OP? Hope you're OK. Brew

MsHopey · 08/01/2018 14:34

Can you clarify what cuddles are?
Is it a hug? Or is it spooing in bed together?
Both could really be considered cuddles.
A hug would obviously make it less terrible, but still pretty shitty with the other information.

BlueSapp · 08/01/2018 14:35

Sorry OP he's having an affair, how you deal with it is up to you but I'd be putting him on the street.

Original poster
Sophievjc · 08/01/2018 14:44

I'm here, between looking after my children n feeling rubbish on every level, I have no idea what i'm doing. I am pretty sure that he hasn't slept with her, he wouldn't have had the time.
We have been together since i was 14 and i am just so confused right now. I guess i just needed to know that i wasn't over reacting.

OP posts:
BlueSapp · 08/01/2018 14:46

Physical sleeping with someone is not the only criteria for an affair though, wanting to is as big a betrayal in my book.

lookingforthecorkscrew · 08/01/2018 14:47

My husband is SE but often works at close quarters with women on projects, which can involve lots of intensive work in a short space of time. Never once has he cuddled any of these women. Or been kissed by them. Your husband can have a fruitful professional relationship with this woman with firm boundaries in place, he’s just choosing not to.

LearnFromThePast · 08/01/2018 14:54

My best friend is male. I confide in him and we talk a lot. I hug him but never cuddle or try to kiss him as for me that isn’t appropriate. The difference is my H knows all about him and I would never have an issue with him seeing any of our messages.

The first thing I thought reading this is trickle truth and admitting to the least he can get away with. If he lied about their meetings and getting back into contact then how can you trust anything else he has said either.

This would be a big issue for me. Can you trust him not to just say what you want to hear again and then lie again

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 08/01/2018 16:09

Hey op. Glad you're still here. Sorry this can't be easy reading for you Flowers

Do you have any rl support? Any family nearby who can help with the kids or friends you can talk to?

I never like to say - oh he's definitely done X, y or z - because I just don't know. But it really doesn't look good. I hope all the questions raised here help you.

I'm most concerned about his lack of interest/belief in you saying its a divorce matter. Is it just that he thinks it's an empty threat? Or he thinks so little of you that it's not a problem?

Take care

HouseworkIsASin10 · 08/01/2018 16:13

Don't be trying for a 3rd child.
Don't be a doormat.

I would go nuclear on my DH for this shit, he is making a show of you. Find some self esteem and kick that cheating fucker out.

Idontevencareanymore · 08/01/2018 16:30

The friendship itself wouldn't alarm me. The lying and deceit is alarming.

I've got male friends, we meet for coffees, I don't delete messages relating to it, if husband asked me id be upfront and honest.

Imo he needs to put this "friendship" away. She's clearly got something for him, and having tried to kiss him already, so he's either wallowing in the attention and loving his ego being stroked or he's intending to take it further. I suspect the former and if he values you and his children he needs to step back. I'd be telling him that.

Hope you're OK op! He's a bit of a dish rag right now.

SnorkFavour · 08/01/2018 16:32

You should get the phone and unset the auto delete at a time when he won't realise messages aren't deleting, then look at what's been sent, maybe check first thing in the morning or something.

It's no more 'sneaky' than him deleting messages anyway imo - but WHY would he auto delete messages from her anyway? Thats a red flag right there.

SnorkFavour · 08/01/2018 16:36

Actually, if you really wanted to check and you're pretty sure he's not being honest, you could change your name to hers and hers to his on the phone, then either message him as her, or wait and see if he messages 'her', aka you Grin

As for having no time to sleep with her, surely the dept night out in August would have provided ample time for this.

I'm so sorry you're going through this though :(

constantchange · 08/01/2018 16:40

You're in no way overreacting.

N tell her to back the hell off n leave my husband alone but i don't want to cause drama for him at work

You really want to have to babysit the neurons in his brain in this way?

Original poster
Sophievjc · 08/01/2018 16:45

I know he was at the night out videos plus he was messaging me though out the night. Hes an IT manager so he would know how to hide it from me if he thought i was going through his phone. It's mostly whatsapp messages as far as i know so i dont think i could even swap names in phone if i wanted to.

OP posts:
lynzpynz · 08/01/2018 16:49

Sorry to say but if its innocent - why the need to hide it from you?

Sounds like you are going through a tough time, you should be confiding and supporting each other, not going outside the relationship to someone who has ‘tried it on’ to confide in and hide it from your distressed and vulnerable other half!

The very fact you’ve also raised the fact you’re uncomfortable with this (you did better than me who’d have gone batshit on his ass for continuing to engage with this bint outside of his required work interaction when she’s tried to kiss my husband!) and he’s still doing it suggests he is being very disrespectful indeed. Trust your instincts.

What a situation to find yourself in after a miscarriage, nothing but sympathy here for you.