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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my husbands relationship

122 replies

Sophievjc · 08/01/2018 10:17

Sorry for the length of this but I am going out of my mind slightly right now.

My husband met a woman at work they have become friendly, played badminton a few times ect. My husband went on a department night out in August (she doesn't work in his department and wasn't there) and was going to cycle home. She ended up giving him a lift home as he was drunk/hurt his knee but they stopped halfway to get a drink so I wouldn't know he didn't cycle. I found the receipt the next day and asked him if he had come straight home n he dodged around the issue and slowly admitted he got a lift back, then admitted who from, then to stopping for drinks, then that they had been messaging a lot(and he was deleting the messages so i wouldn't find out) & that he had been confiding in her about things he hadn't been telling me about. Then after me asking a million questions to get that far found out he that they had had a few cuddles and she had tried to kiss him on one occasion.
After all this I told him I didn't want him to be hanging out with her and messaging her, I get that he cant cut her out completly as he has to work in the same place a her.
I found out yesterday that they have been having friendly chit chats at work and have been messaging again for last couple months, right after me having got pregnant. I had a miscarriage that hasn't gone very well and had to be in the hospital saturday night for mmm and I now feel so confused and lost.

AIBU to have asked him to stop in the first place?
AIBU to be so upset and pissed off with him now? Am I over reacting to my husband having a friend or am I right that this is more than a friendly relationship?? Is it just the pregnancy hormones that have made me overly upset about this??

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 08/01/2018 11:21

If he had nothing to hide, why did he delete the messages. Surely reading through perfectly innocent messages would have been the best way to allay your suspicions and fears.

He lied, he minimised and only gave further details (cuddling, attempted kiss etc) when he felt pressed. He isn't acting like someone who is innocent.

AIBU to have asked him to stop in the first place?
AIBU to be so upset and pissed off with him now? Am I over reacting to my husband having a friend or am I right that this is more than a friendly relationship?? Is it just the pregnancy hormones that have made me overly upset about this??

You are being perfectly reasonable. It is not pregnancy hormones. Even if it is a perfectly innocent relationship, he is trying to hide it from you so how else would he expect you to feel? I think he is at best behaving inappropriately with this woman - and at worst he could well be having an affair with her. Most women would feel the way you feel and most men would feel the same if their wives were behaving this way.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/01/2018 11:22

He's been deceitful, they've been messaging A LOT, cuddled (!) and she's tried to kiss him?? OP this sounds more serious than he's making out.

I'm not adversed to men and women being friends and sharing hobbies etc but this sounds like there's much more to it.
I don't think you're unreasonable to ask him to stop seeing her, no.

KC225 · 08/01/2018 11:25

I think there is more that has gone on. He is playing the admit to a little and be remorseful game. Sorry but that is devious jit socially awkward.

If someone mis read the clues of a friendship why would you go out for a drink with them after a fuelled night out? Why break off from the drinking heard to go off on your own if it was a friendship? I would be suspicious. Why lie about it? The only messages I delete are when I have something to hide ie moaning to my friend about MILs latest antics.

You need a big talk, he needs to come clean.

Good luck OP

Original poster
Sophievjc · 08/01/2018 11:27

I know that he has been less than flattering about me in some messages, just a general moan about stuff, i moan about him to my work friends, thats normal. To delete it just highlights he wanted to hid something. He has even set it up on his phone so messages from her auto delete. Last time i took his phone n went through it in the night n there was nothing to find, i asked him to look at his phone after and he let me. This time i asked to look at his phone n he kept asking why. Short snatching his phone n locking myself in bathroom not a lot i could do to get hold of it.

Thank you for making me feel like I haven't over reacted to this. I am at the point where i want to message her n tell her to back the hell off n leave my husband alone but i don't want to cause drama for him at work

OP posts:
Anxiousally · 08/01/2018 11:29

Do he expect you to be ok with all this? I feel for you OP you are not being unfair in what you have done!

Graphista · 08/01/2018 11:33

Sod not causing awkwardness for him! Tough! But - she is only partly to blame, he's the one should be proving his love and loyalty to you.

Auto deleting her messages? Bullshit there's nothing going on sorry to be blunt op but seriously, that's a huge alarm bell right there!

Whisky2014 · 08/01/2018 11:34

It's not her responsibility to save your marriage. It's his.

Madwoman5 · 08/01/2018 11:38

Don't contact her. This is his mess caused by his actions, and his marriage. He should be sorting this. Either he wants you to remain married or he doesn't. His decision.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 08/01/2018 11:39

Don't message her. She doesn't give a shiny shit. She knows he's married with kids and still wants kisses and cuddles and Lord know what else.

She's not your problem. Your DH is.

therealposieparker · 08/01/2018 11:39

Affairs don't always start with someone looking for one, they often happen just like this. He's either hoping it will or oblivious, I'm going to guess its the former.

therealposieparker · 08/01/2018 11:40

Bitching about your wife to another woman who your wife doesn't know is a definite "you are special" behaviour.

CardinalCat · 08/01/2018 11:43

lying to you
Hiding his actions
Cosy drinks between the two of them
"a few cuddkles " (what the actual fuck??)
A putative kiss
deleted messages, to cover tracks
Disparaging messages about you
continuation of 'friendship' even after you asked it to stop

Even if your tool of a husband hasn't being playing Hide the Sausage with this women, is the above not enough for you to realise that your marriage is in serious danger of being over? where is his respect for you? Nowhere.

Please do not have nay more children while you sort this mess out.

KioskKeithForPresident · 08/01/2018 11:47

I'd bet money on it being physical. You only have his word she kissed him - I highly doubt that's all that's happened.

Totally cheaters script - first deny, then only admit to something minimal, lie, cover tracks - nah

Completely agree with this from PP.

"she tried to kiss him* is obvious bollocks. It amazes me how naive some people can be(or how blind when they want to turn a blind eye).

How likely is it that a woman (when most people generally are scared of rejection but particularly for women in the context of a male/female begining of a sexual relationship dynamic ) in a work context would from cold "try" to kiss a man?

Very very unlikely I'd say.

I'd say they have definitely kissed and probably have slept together and he initiated it or at it was mutual. She tried to kiss him. Ha! Course she did.

KhalliWali · 08/01/2018 11:50

...but i don't want to cause drama for him at work.

Sod that, I would be marching up to his office and telling her exactly what I thought about the ‘cuddles’ and the attempted kiss. I would call her out in front of everybody and, if she said it was reciprocated, well then you’d know.

therealposieparker · 08/01/2018 11:53

If I were you OP I would get my ducks in a row.... he may not be planning to leave but it's more likely than it was six months ago.

Bimbler · 08/01/2018 11:55

People may be quick to call this an emotional affair but I'm yet to understand how this is different to a friendship

Oh please. The naivety.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 08/01/2018 12:04

I cuddle with a few of my close friends. I guess it’s because we’ve known each other since we were teens (or younger) and I didn’t grow up in a particularly warm (comforting) home...

But I’ve never tried to keep this a secret / delete my chats etc or exclude DH from meeting these friends etc (he actually knows most of them. He’s actually friends with my ex, she was also part of my bridal party...)

think my main problem is that I don't know how deep this is going, he's deleting all there chats from his phone so he obviously wanted to hide it from me in the first place. We already have 2 children and this is our second miscarriage. This pregnancy was slightly unplanned it that we wanted a third but were going to wait till the summer to try

There’s nothing unreasonable about that. And has nothing to do with pregnancy hormones... he’s keeping secrets, acting cagey, isn’t taking you seriously (when you tell him that you’ll demand a divorce...). That’s very disrespectful imo.

VileyRose · 08/01/2018 12:07

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 08/01/2018 12:07

Also...

She tried to kiss him. Well, seeing as she knows he’s married? She’s a piece of shit and messaging her is a waste of your time imo.

And he’s writing disparaging messages about you despite knowing that she’s interested (be that romantically or sexually...)?!

(And it’s also rather likely that he kissed her. Imo...)

Cath2907 · 08/01/2018 12:10

It's the lying I couldn't stand. It wouldn't matter to me if they'd kissed or not. The fact that he lied, tried to hide what he was doing and continues to lie would be a deal-breaker for me. My husband and I don't lie to one another.

Trinity66 · 08/01/2018 12:12

YANBU at all, sounds very dodgy especially the fact that he's still deleting messages and conversations from her. I doubt he'd be happy if the it was the other way round

expatinscotland · 08/01/2018 12:12

This isn't just a friendship.

pinkdelight · 08/01/2018 12:15

You're not overreacting at all. kiosk nails it above. This story about her 'trying to kiss' him is such obvious flannel he should be ashamed to trot it out. They kissed, at the very least. And he's a liar. I'm sorry.

Mamabooksbabynumber2 · 08/01/2018 12:15

YANBU. If this was my dp I would be livid. Particularly because of the deleting messages which makes him look very suspicious and cuddling and her trying t kiss him. Does not sound like a straight forward friendship.
If it was me if be putting my foot down and say that his priorities need to be you and that means confiding in you, not her.

NeilPetark · 08/01/2018 12:20

You aren’t overreacting. He’s minimising (she kissed him? How convenient for his story), he’s lying and hiding messages.

It’s more than a friendship. If they were just friends then everything would be in the open because there would be no reason to hide anything.