AIBU about my husbands relationship

[Sophievjc]

Sorry for the length of this but I am going out of my mind slightly right now.

My husband met a woman at work they have become friendly, played badminton a few times ect. My husband went on a department night out in August (she doesn't work in his department and wasn't there) and was going to cycle home. She ended up giving him a lift home as he was drunk/hurt his knee but they stopped halfway to get a drink so I wouldn't know he didn't cycle. I found the receipt the next day and asked him if he had come straight home n he dodged around the issue and slowly admitted he got a lift back, then admitted who from, then to stopping for drinks, then that they had been messaging a lot(and he was deleting the messages so i wouldn't find out) & that he had been confiding in her about things he hadn't been telling me about. Then after me asking a million questions to get that far found out he that they had had a few cuddles and she had tried to kiss him on one occasion.
After all this I told him I didn't want him to be hanging out with her and messaging her, I get that he cant cut her out completly as he has to work in the same place a her.
I found out yesterday that they have been having friendly chit chats at work and have been messaging again for last couple months, right after me having got pregnant. I had a miscarriage that hasn't gone very well and had to be in the hospital saturday night for mmm and I now feel so confused and lost.

AIBU to have asked him to stop in the first place?
AIBU to be so upset and pissed off with him now? Am I over reacting to my husband having a friend or am I right that this is more than a friendly relationship?? Is it just the pregnancy hormones that have made me overly upset about this??

Oh I see what you mean about Whatsapp, I don't have that but I can see you couldn't really change the names :(

I just feel so horrible for you that you're going through this after such a sad event (miscarriage) .. do you have any support? Family? Friends?

If it's whatsapp can you add yourself to the conversation? Someone more tech knowledgable can maybe answer that.

As for "he wouldn't have time" that's what I thought. She's got a car, there's lunch breaks, working late...

If they want to they will find a way

You can be added to a conversation but it would tell everyone in the conversation that. You can’t add yourself.

I could of wrote this thread op. After 2 years of lies I found out it had turned into a physical affair. I'm not one to say ltb but just have you eyes wide open.

Why do you think he wouldn't have had the time - when did they have cuddles etc?

I say he wouldn't have the time as he comes home from work and doesn't go out for any other reason. They would not have been able to get away with it at work, this i can be sure of! Unless they did it in the early stages of the 'friendship' when they played badminton together but the cause for concern started after that time. Unless its group chat i dont think people can be added anyway so even if i got his phone n didn't care that they would see i added myself on it(which i wouldn't) i still cant do it. I guess the only way to see what they have talked about would be on her phone, and short of demanding screenshots of it i cant see how i would be able to see it.

You have enough to be furious, even without tonnes of texts to look at - the lying and bullshitting, the basically emotional affair. I would be going nuts over the cuddling and him saying she ‘tried’ to kiss him! Bullshit. They kissed. Back years ago I worked with a man, which was eventually quite a lovely relationship. The relationship would have been very much frowned upon and I was advancing my career and reputation in that area so really didn’t want to piss off the very conservative and prim and proper boss. So although neither of us were married, it was effectively an affair. Only our closest friends knew, as gossip and rumours would have spread so we kept it extremely quiet. For about 6-7 months we fit our whole love affair into our work days - sometimes staying slightly late, but not much later than normal for many people. He lived very close by to work and I lived about 40 mins drive away and we very rarely attempted to see each other in the evenings as rural and people talk. What I’m trying to say is, based on my experience I can’t say definitively that your husband is or isn’t having an affair - but don’t believe that whole line of where would he find the time. People find the time, I found the time, we found time for lunch together, passing notes, quick trips to the warehouse, had sex in his car I don’t know how many times. Your husband is showing how secretive he can be. He has found the time for badminton with her and constant texting, plus the little drink that you only know of as you found the receipt. He’s lying and being unpleasant about you, and as you know, he’s texting her loads so much of it is emotional aside from whether or not it’s physical. Oh and as pp have said, I too have male friends and I’d never try and kiss them, no weird cuddling apart from a nice “bye guys!” Type of cuddling when saying goodbye to them with their wives. If I thought they were deleting my texts so their partner didn’t know about our friendship then I’d confront them and then stop texting. None of this is acceptable or good. Sorry

You are not over-reacting. He's having an emotional affair at the least.

He stops communicating with her outside of work and stops communicating on a personal level in work.
He lets you have access to all messaging services/emails etc until you are secure they are no longer in contact.
He seeks counselling or you do couples counselling.

If he won't do these he's not remorseful and he won't be stopping.

You'd not be unreasonable to say he moves job or moves out. Imo.

What Olivia says.

Outrageous behaviour. So sorry you are going through this

The only women I know who's H have had affairs, sound exactly like you. The H's seem to get away with it by gas lighting and making the wife sound paranoid, it often is accompanied by huge over reactions and causing conflict. This is to justify whatever it is they're doing.

If I'm honest I think your marriage is already over.

Trust me- I have been in this situation!!
Heard it all
Aww she's lovely
Feel sorry for her
Lovely lady blah blah blah yawn yawn yawn
Would stand and talk with this women at the school unbeknown to me that some mornings he had just left her bed! (Leaving work early from a night shift)
Trusted him 100% had no reason whatsoever to be suspicious
Yes made me feel physically sick 🤒 actually wanted to vomit!
To much to go into, will keep it short
found out through emails of course both denied it!
No surprise there!
Turfed him out 😡
Got my strong head on ✋
Not one person believed he would do such a thing not even silly old me deep down 😡 was never sure
Family/ friends etc! Took his side as they thought I was being ridiculous!
Showed a couple of people emails and still "no think your looking to much into it" 🙉🙉🙉🙉🙉🙉
Low and behold made the decision to take him back and the poison toxic mistress decided to email me 3 months down the line after taking him back (guessing she thought she would end up with him and live happily ever after)
.think you should know we were having an affair for several weeks
Yip turned my world even more up side down (dick Ed me)
But whatever it was out I turned into the exorcist 🙉🙉🙉
Made him ring every friend/family to tell them it was true (yes degrading for me embarrassing for him cheat/liar) guess what? not many people could face me after this or him sadly we lost many people in our lives but guessing they weren't true friends in the beginning, that's probably very unfair for me to say that! He was to blame no one else!
We did stay together and 8 years on still together stronger than ever but........
I am always a step ahead with everything
Life is good however never thought I would stay with anyone who did this, of course it's changed many things main one being he feels the need to explain his every movement and this makes me sad as I always trusted him 110%
But that's the way it is.

It is always more than they say it is. Either she goes or you do, surely?

Where have his annual leave days gone? Can you account for every single one of them?

I only ask as I have known people say their partner doesn't have time for an affair, but half days off work here and there with ow have always appeared.

it sounds as though you wanted everyone to say.. it's fine....

sadly it's not fine.. he's heavily involved with this woman... regardless of what he is telling you....

you either accept he is being unfaithful... or turf him out and move on

He's been fucking her during his annual leave or time owing. Being home from work on time means nothing.

For me the worst part of this is that He's been hiding aspects of it from you.

Fine a friendship can share secrets you wouldn't with a partner. There can be activities done without a partner and so on and so forth.

The fact that's He's skirting around the issue and deleting messages off his phone mean he knows He's doing something wrong and is feeling guilty.

If he wants to continue this friendship he needs to be completely open and candid with you OP, however I have a feeling that the trust may already be broken by this point... I would certainly advise he take a cooling down period from seeing her in anything except a professional capacity.

OP, how did she come to give him a lift home from the departmental night out if she wasn't there?

That just sounds really strange, like she arranged to meet him afterwards. It just doesn't sound spontaneous.

I'm so sorry for your recent loss, OP.

But please, please, please do not get pregnant again with him until/if you sort this out.

He is clearly putting his time and energy into his relationship with another woman. He has lied about it. He has hidden it. He has not been forthcoming. And he is continuing the relationship even though you have made it clear his actions have not been appropriate. Nor have hers.

Personally, I would sit him down and tell him he needs to agree to counselling with your immediately. A third party mediating what has gone on and where you go from here will be helpful.

If he doesn't agree, again, I personally would tell him that I would like him to leave then, and that you will be taking legal advice re ending the marriage.

Don't let things carry on with him not being honest, open and forthcoming, especially since he's continuing to see her.

I@m so sorry he's put you in this position.

For me the difference between friendship and something that any right is

• you hide the extend of your contact with that person
• you end up cuddling and kissing.

Those two things tell me it has gone well over the friendship state and into the ‘emotional affair/affair territory.

Which means that
YANBU to be angry at what he did nor to ask him to cut contact.

The issue now is that he actually didn’t acknowledge the extend of what he did and is happy to NOT respect your wishes, wishes that were totally reasonable in those circumstances.
The lack of RESPECT, for me, would be the real issue now. Wo even going into whether he actually has an affair with her or not.

Don’t kid yourself he doesn’t have time - it’s easy enough to make time whilst appearing to always be where you should be.

What he did in the beginning was bad enough, but despite being told it was unacceptable to you, he carried on. He’d be gone. He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t love you enough to put you before his ego boosting relationship with her, irrespective of what that relationship entails.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this on top of your mc 💐

TBH I think you need to make it clear that he has overstepped yuck r boundaries and has shown no respect for you.
The lack of trust HE has created means that he is leaving you with few choices.
Depending on how you feel and what is or isn’t acceptable for you

• you say enough is enough NOW
• or you give an ultimatum (state your boundaries very clearky) either he stops contacting her OR he leaves the house.

You do need to be able to actually follow up on thatbthiugh. But it will tell you what you need to know. Whether his relationship with you is important or not.

In some ways, whether he has or hasn’t cheated with her doesn’t matter. Nor the depth of the ‘relationship’.
What matters is that he has shown no respect for you and has CHOSEN to destroy the trust you had in him.
That should be enough proof for you to take action.

The fact that he was lying about what he had done says it all.

Time to focus his mind. Pack a bag for him and tell him to take 7 days to consider his future while you do the same and you'll see him next weekend to discuss.

Hi all,

This was first posted over a month ago, and how so much can change in a month!

A week after the initial post I found he had bought her a birthday card and valentines one. This happened the day before our sons birthday so i agreed to but it to one side for the day and not ruin the day out for the kids. After the day out I was still unsure of if I should leave or not. He requested we go to therapy and I have agreed. We have been for one session together and it was in this session that I made the decision to try. I have made it clear to him that I may still change my mind but we are currently trying to keep this away from the kids so are acting as if everything is 'normal' most of the time.

I don't know if I will ever trust him again, I doubt I will ever 100% have blind faith in anyone again, this is due to other family members also but he was always my one person I could trust.