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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH picked a fight during sex

116 replies

beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 20:55

Myself and DH are TTC after a loss. He is as keen as ever to conceive and today is possible a fertile day for me. He is usually a nice person but occasionally can be a bit petty and grumpy. Sorry if this is TMI but he instigated DTD, we are using a fertility lube and I put some on him and he said that's enough, but I squirted a tiny bit more out after that- he immediately got annoyed and was huffing and puffing, lost his erection and couldn't perform at all. I apologised and said its not a big deal why is he picking a fight? I told him not to ruin the night and he said he wasn't but he then couldn't perform at all and now he's gone to bed.

I hate how everything was lovely and now there's a horrendous awkward atmosphere. I'm still upset from the MC and TTC is emotive for me anyway without this. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
MrsMaxwell · 07/01/2018 21:00

Neither of you.

I am sorry for your loss - can you get into bed with him and snuggle and maybe forget about the lube tonight and have a nice shag?

0hCrepe · 07/01/2018 21:03

I guess adding more lube made it crystal clear that it was all about conception for you and made him feel a bit ... deflated.

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 07/01/2018 21:04

Sorry for your loss. How long ago did you lose the baby? Could it be too soon to be trying again?

I've lost 5 pregnancies and sex is always highly emotional after for a good couple of months. It's also not about the climax but about reconnecting - have you had a chance to get that connection back yet? This is a horrible time for you but try not to lose your relationship through petty arguments due to lack of communication. Talk to him in the morning and find out why he reacted like that.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/01/2018 21:04

Firstly I'm sorry for your loss. You're both DTD under pressure. From what I gather sex seems to have lost its fun side and you're doing it soley to make a baby. Why not try adding romance and not putting so much pressure on yourselves.
Easier said that done, though.
(((((((((((()))))))))))

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/01/2018 21:05

I was also thinking is it too soon.

LyraPotter · 07/01/2018 21:06

Aww, sorry OP Sad I feel for you. TTC has the magical ability to suck all of the fun out of sex and make it feel like a chore - and worse, a chore with huge consequences. It might be that your husband is feeling that pressure and the lube was the straw that broke the camel's back. He shouldn't have been stroppy with you though - hopefully he's going to apologise once he's settled down.

It might be worth trying to have a chat about the fact that TTC is pressured and that you have to be kind to each other. Don't let him make you feel like you've done anything wrong though! X

Darcychu · 07/01/2018 21:07

Id say ask him what got him overly annoyed tommorow, but also yeah maybe its just becomming a chore to have a baby and maybe he wants it to just be about having fun sometimes

InAPickleToday · 07/01/2018 21:09

YABU - He asked you not to do something and you did it anyway, no wonder it killed the mood. Sorry for your loss Flowers but try not to be annoyed.

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 07/01/2018 21:09

YABU. It's not a race. He said that was enough and you ignored him. To him, he just feels like a sperm donor atm. Stop trying for a month or so. Just grieve a little and then make friends again.

Original poster
beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 21:11

Thanks everyone. I just feel like why is he banging on about how desperate he is for me to get pregnant and then pick a fight during sex and not really instigating sex? The loss was 4 months ago.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 07/01/2018 21:11

A thought:
Could him stopping you yet you adding a little more lube be interpreted as saying ‘Nope, I need more help than that’, especially to oversensitive ears? It’s a very stark message about your level of sexual excitement, no?

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 07/01/2018 21:13

Oh god it's early days! Talk to him.

SimonBridges · 07/01/2018 21:13

TTC sex is just dreadful and sucks all the fun out of it.
So much easier said than done but try to stop trying and enjoy sex, even if it’s after your fertile time. I know when I was ttcing it became all I could think about and it can damage your relationship.

Touchmybum · 07/01/2018 21:14

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt etc - and 3 children. TTC puts you both under pressure and nothing is spontaneous any more. Chalk it down to experience and move on. No point in dwelling on it. He was probably mortified that he couldn't perform.

jaseyraex · 07/01/2018 21:14

I understand the desperation you can both end up with when TTC but it just sucks all the fun out. Sex becomes a bit of a chore and it's not nice for anyone to feel like the only purpose for having sex if for the potential baby. Try and take some pressure off. Do you really need fertility lube? Your husband sounds like he may feel like he is simply not able to do enough on his own.

SimonBridges · 07/01/2018 21:15

What is also worth thinking about is how easy was it to get pregnant in the first place. Were you ttcing for long before?

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 07/01/2018 21:19

Unless you're 44 and ttc#1 time is on your side. So don't rush. Get the relationship back and grieve together. Our losses hit my husband really really hard and he tried to plough on through because he thought because I seemed to be managing he ought to be but that mentality reflected in our sex life. He became withdrawn and stopped wanting sex. This is why talking is so so important.

Original poster
beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 21:20

It took us 4 cycles to conceive last time. I've tried talking to him he won't talk to me, just shuts me down completely and says he's fine. This is early days and already TTC is really damaging our relationship. It's not fun at all, especially with the grief of a MC hanging over us.

OP posts:
Original poster
beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 21:20

I'm 32 TTC#1.

OP posts:
diddl · 07/01/2018 21:21

I think that YWBU.

When he said that it was enough-why did you use more?

Did he instigate because you mentioned that it should be a fertile day?

Then decided that you knew better about the lube?

He must feel as if he has no control!

LokiBear · 07/01/2018 21:22

TTC after a loss is one of the worst things you can go through. The pressure is horrific and, even when you do conceive, it doesn't take away the feelings of loss. You spend your whole pregnancy scared. Your dh is feeling the pressure, he probably knows tonight is the fertile night. The extra lube, to him, would come across as you trying to ensure you get pregnant - something he wants but in the middle of dtd he doesn't want to be reminded of because the pressure not to let you down. In your position (and I have been there), Id go up and tell him that you are sorry, the pressure is getting to you a bit and you are finding it hard to cope (I'm assuming all of those things are true for you.) Ask if you can have a cuddle. From now on, try not to tell him about your fertile window - see if it helps ease the pressure and allows sex to be spontaneous and fun again. Im sorry for your loss and im sorry you are going through this. It nearly broke me, but 4 months after my loss I concieved dd2. G9id luck Flowers

MaidOfStars · 07/01/2018 21:24

You’ve conceived before (so not first attempt at TTC).

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 07/01/2018 21:26

When we ued conceive plus I squeezed the vial inside me.
You need to cut back on the technical stuff op.
Your dh isn't a robot.

TheLegendOfBeans · 07/01/2018 21:27

OK: in bald terms YWBU.

BUTTTTT

You are both in a shitty situation where you are both unavoidably putting yourselves under pressure and as PPs have said sucking all the fun but moreso intimacy out of sex.

I have been exactly where you are before and it’s so so easy to end up calendar watching, jumping DH only at certain times and dates and the whole thing feels forced and shit.

Maybe for a few weeks bin off all the apps, ovulation sticks, rip up the calendar, stop checking for cervical mucus and just hug and kiss more? Loss and TTC are prefect conditions to drive couples apart. The pair of you need to draw together, and love more.

I hope you both manage to heal and draw closer to get the happy result you both obviously want so much xx

honeyroar · 07/01/2018 21:28

Does the lube make such a difference? And does the amount of lube matter? Couldn't you have ignored the lube and just DTD for doing the deed's sake instead of conceiving? It sounds like the relationship needs a bit of tlc.

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