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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH picked a fight during sex

116 replies

beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 20:55

Myself and DH are TTC after a loss. He is as keen as ever to conceive and today is possible a fertile day for me. He is usually a nice person but occasionally can be a bit petty and grumpy. Sorry if this is TMI but he instigated DTD, we are using a fertility lube and I put some on him and he said that's enough, but I squirted a tiny bit more out after that- he immediately got annoyed and was huffing and puffing, lost his erection and couldn't perform at all. I apologised and said its not a big deal why is he picking a fight? I told him not to ruin the night and he said he wasn't but he then couldn't perform at all and now he's gone to bed.

I hate how everything was lovely and now there's a horrendous awkward atmosphere. I'm still upset from the MC and TTC is emotive for me anyway without this. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Farmerswife36 · 07/01/2018 22:02

Throw the lube away !

MadMags · 07/01/2018 22:08

Get rid of the lube.

Start having sex because you love each other, not as a means to an end.

I can see why he'd be hurt/embarrassed/humiliated.

Why did you put more on, incidentally?

Original poster
beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 22:09

MadMags Because there was a tiny bit left in the tube and once it's open you can't keep it so would have been throwing it away- although not a lot of thought went into it it was a fleeting action.

OP posts:
BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 07/01/2018 22:11

Doesn't sound like a romantic moment if you could tell there was a small amount left in the pack

NoMudNoLotus · 07/01/2018 22:13

OP please take advice from your GP / fertility specialist with regards to TTC - not the posters on here telling you to ditch the lube.

There is a lot of evidence base around boosting fertility now .

GottadoitGottadoit · 07/01/2018 22:13

Is the lube is being used because without it you wouldn’t be wet enough for sex? In which case putting more on would just say to him ‘dry as a bone down here, cos you don’t turn me on.’

I could well imagine a man picking an argument to cover up the resulting loss of erection.

Original poster
beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 22:15

No it's not used because I'm "dry as a bone" it's recommended for when TTC, plus it eels good. He is fully on board with using it by the way and buys it.

OP posts:
Original poster
beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 22:15

*feels, not eels, obviously!

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 07/01/2018 22:18

"It doesn't actively promote conception, IYSWIM."
No the point of it is to promote conception, you are supposed to use it op though, not your dp.

GoReylo · 07/01/2018 22:23

His reaction was OTT. He killed the mood, not you. Maybe he was just in a generally shitty mood and was looking for an excuse to vent it.

SimonBridges · 07/01/2018 22:26

OP please take advice from your GP / fertility specialist with regards to TTC

At this point a gp or fertility specialist will tell you just to get on with it. At 31 a GP will turn you away unless it’s been 12 months.

Original poster
beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 22:26

GoReylo

That's exactly how it felt to me. He overreacted to a meaningless thing and killed the mood then went to bed.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 07/01/2018 22:27

what is the correct action to someone doing something that you don't want during sex?

Or does no not mean no anymore?

Original poster
beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 22:32

Boney stop trying to make out I assaulted him. Go away if you're just here to goad me.

OP posts:
RhubarbTea · 07/01/2018 22:34

I think he was being passive aggressive and sabotaging the situation because he didn't feel able to speak up about not wanting to have sex.

It doesn't matter what he is saying, actions speak louder than words and all that. Ostensibly he is keen to conceive yet perhaps he is either worried about another loss, still sad about what happened or just not feeling it right now. He behaved badly by being snappy when there was no need to be, but as others have said he could have sensed you weren't listening to him and felt emasculated or frustrated.
If he has a habit of being snappy and unpleasant when under pressure or taking his mood out on you, some couples counselling might help you each communicate better and avoid this sort of thing? Sorry to hear of your loss, OP.

PidgeonSpray · 07/01/2018 22:34

Do you have a good relationship normally?

Doesn't sound like you are very respectful to each other or communicative (not listening to each other. Him telling you "you can't keep getting upset" etc)

:- /

Original poster
beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 22:37

Thanks Rhubarb.

Pidgeon usually we have a very good relationship. He was very supportive when the loss happened but seemed to have moved on and got over things more quickly than me, and said he was all fine etc etc. I try and talk to him but he isn't good at talking about his feelings much.

OP posts:
GoReylo · 07/01/2018 22:39

what is the correct action to someone doing something that you don't want during sex

She didn't shove a cucumber up his arse, she squirted out a tiny bit more lube than he asked for. She already explained that there was only a tiny bit left in the tube so she was being practical and using it up. But it wasn't a sex act...

MadMags · 07/01/2018 22:42

I think you're very determined to paint him as the bad guy here. Instead of acknowledging that your actions to you were fine, but upset him for whatever reason. And he's entitled to feel that way.

He's also entitled to stop having sex whenever he wants.

You're both in a stressful situation and you've both lost a baby. Dealing with things differently is also allowed.

Honestly, if you got what you wanted from the thread (namely loads of people telling you he's a bastard) what then? It's done. You upset him. He reacted badly. Just let it go.

worridmum · 07/01/2018 22:43

No means no , no matter what act is happening, i am not saying you assaulted him lets use a none sexual example to show how bad your attuide is and why you killed the mood not your partner which understandable got annoyed after you ignored him.

Husband is cooking a nice meal he decides he wants to had some spice to it and when he has added enough for your liking you tell him to stop he continues anyway since there is only a small amount left in the jar and we will throw it away since it needs to be used straight away?

Not fine is it? very controlling behavior since he goes against your wishes would you still want to eat the food he has made since he decided to ignore your wishes?

Original poster
beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 22:48

worridmum

In that example I wouldn't give a toss about a bit of extra spice, and no, I don't think it's controlling to do that.

Thanks for everyone who has been supportive on this thread. Thanks also to the Professional Mumsnetters who have to bring everything back to "abuse" and "control" and can't see a situation without skewing things to be something they aren't. How and if you function in RL I really have no idea.

OP posts:
worridmum · 07/01/2018 22:52

Well I cannot help you see why he got in a "mood" if you cannot see that he was justifiably annoyed.

He has the right to say no to anything during sex and you ignored him and do what you want despite him saying no make you solely in the wrong and your partner was right to stop then and there since apparently you care very little about how he feels and when he doesn't not want something happening to his body.

RyvitaBrevis · 07/01/2018 22:53

Sometimes the mood just can't be salvaged and it's nobody's fault. This night was a write-off but at 32 you've got plenty of chances ahead of you. It's more important to protect your relationship and not blame each other if things don't go to plan. Best wishes Flowers

worridmum · 07/01/2018 22:55

and it was not about the extra spice that was the problem it would of been the ignoring your wishes that was the problem and it is a big fuck off problem when you decide to ignore someones wishes and you have NO RIGHT to be annoyed as they 'killed' the mood no YOU killed the MOOD for him when you ignored HIS wishes.

If the genders were reversed on here people would not be as supportive to you.

MadMags · 07/01/2018 22:56

So you did just want people to agree that he was U?

People are allowed to think otherwise. And he's as entitled to his own feelings as you are, OP.

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