Page 4 | DH picked a fight during sex

beingGoodNow · 2018-01-07T20:55:32+00:00

Myself and DH are TTC after a loss. He is as keen as ever to conceive and today is possible a fertile day for me. He is usually a nice person but occasionally can be a bit petty and grumpy. Sorry if this is TMI but he instigated DTD, we are using a fertility lube and I put some on him and he said that's enough, but I squirted a tiny bit more out after that- he immediately got annoyed and was huffing and puffing, lost his erection and couldn't perform at all. I apologised and said its not a big deal why is he picking a fight? I told him not to ruin the night and he said he wasn't but he then couldn't perform at all and now he's gone to bed. I hate how everything was lovely and now there's a horrendous awkward atmosphere. I'm still upset from the MC and TTC is emotive for me anyway without this. AIBU or is he?

Touchmybum · 07/01/2018 22:57

In my experience (2 miscarriages, at 38 and 39), men do seem to come to terms with m/c quicker than women, and it's only natural when you think about it, it didn't happen to their body. Just because men don't talk about it as much though doesn't mean they don't feel it. I'd advise you to join a m/c forum and you will see on there that lots of women are experiencing similar emotions etc.

You need to try to relax more (and yes I know how bloody annoying it is when people tell you that but honestly each time I conceived (5 times) it was when I least expected it - even though we were TTC. I even took leave from work to make the most of my fertile time; I was like a demon! I learned not to put pressure on DH because it certainly didn't help performance, and I stopped saying anything about fertile times etc. You are still young - you conceived fairly quickly first time round. Miscarriages are so common, something like one in every 4 pregnancies, but women just don't talk about them. I do, very openly, I think it's important.

You have no reason whatsoever in the world to think that you won't have a successful pregnancy. Unless you absolutely need the lube, ditch it. Don't push yourself to be pregnant again before your due date. That is speaking as someone who did, then lost that pregnancy too - I got pregnant just shy of my 40th and had my DS.

I remember feeling quite murderous with DH when he couldn't rise to the occasion!! It actually makes me smile now looking back with the benefit of hindsight.

Touchmybum · 07/01/2018 22:57

In my experience (2 miscarriages, at 38 and 39), men do seem to come to terms with m/c quicker than women, and it's only natural when you think about it, it didn't happen to their body. Just because men don't talk about it as much though doesn't mean they don't feel it. I'd advise you to join a m/c forum and you will see on there that lots of women are experiencing similar emotions etc.

You need to try to relax more (and yes I know how bloody annoying it is when people tell you that but honestly each time I conceived (5 times) it was when I least expected it - even though we were TTC. I even took leave from work to make the most of my fertile time; I was like a demon! I learned not to put pressure on DH because it certainly didn't help performance, and I stopped saying anything about fertile times etc. You are still young - you conceived fairly quickly first time round. Miscarriages are so common, something like one in every 4 pregnancies, but women just don't talk about them. I do, very openly, I think it's important.

You have no reason whatsoever in the world to think that you won't have a successful pregnancy. Unless you absolutely need the lube, ditch it. Don't push yourself to be pregnant again before your due date. That is speaking as someone who did, then lost that pregnancy too - I got pregnant just shy of my 40th and had my DS.

I remember feeling quite murderous with DH when he couldn't rise to the occasion!! It actually makes me smile now looking back with the benefit of hindsight.

peachgreen · 07/01/2018 22:59

I can only imagine how it would feel to lose your erection as a man who is TTC a much-wanted baby. I suspect that's why he went off in a huff - he's embarrassed and worried. Talk to him about why he wanted to use less lube (does too much reduce the sensation for him, maybe?), reassure him over the erection loss and kiss and make up. TTC after a miscarriage is pretty awful - you really can't start taking it out on each other.

LyraPotter · 07/01/2018 23:01

I'm new to MN and I'm genuinely surprised at how unkind some people are. It's like because they're communicating through a screen they forget there is another human at the other end of it.

NeandathalWoman · 07/01/2018 23:02

As other posters said YWBU because of the connotations attached to adding more lube after he said that'e enough, highlighting how non-aroused you are to be with him. TTC takes a toll on both of you, it takes the fun out of intimacy and having a loss must of been horrific. Don't be mad at each other, I would go in there and cuddle him and tell him you love him.

jacks11 · 07/01/2018 23:06

You were both unreasonable. I think you both need to give the other a bit of a break. And work on sex being about fun, not just about TTC.

It does sound somewhat like he over-reacted, but equally you ignored his wishes during an intimate act. Even though it was in a very small, non-threatening way it's still not respectful behaviour towards your partner (though I do understand not deliberate).

Perhaps he misinterpreted what you did as something of a slight (e.g. "nope, I'll need more than that"), even though in your mind you were just being "practical" by using up the last of the lube. He was then angry/upset, lost his erection and couldn't "perform"- so now he's annoyed/upset and quite probably embarrassed/upset re not being able to maintain an erection. I'm not surprised there is a bit of an atmosphere given the above and in the context of TTC after a recent miscarriage.

DoubleAces · 07/01/2018 23:08

Lol thread title makes it sound like you suddenly started wrestling.

MrsDilber · 07/01/2018 23:08

I don't think either of you are wrong. I'd approach having sex with him, the next time, without special lube and just see what happens. He, obviously, didn't want anymore applied than what had been.

It would be a shame for this to become a hang up for him, as erection difficulties can become complex issues, so how next time is dealt with is important.

GottadoitGottadoit · 07/01/2018 23:41

OK, was just trying to think of reasons why a bit more lube might have bothered him.

maleposter375 · 07/01/2018 23:44

Namechanged for this - please forgive the technical detail.

I've found when using normal lube that it does make it easier to do the deed, but in the later stages it reduces the necessary friction, and I find it very difficult to come. And once some is used, there's no way back. I dont know if its the same with fertility lube.

Could it be that your DH wants you to conceive, but had the sudden feeling that the extra lube would make it difficult or impossible for him to come? This also could have been enough to trigger the erection loss, and everything else.

As I've got older, I realise that the biggest male sexual organ is between the ears, and if that doesnt send the right signals there's nothing I can will it to do.

itsbetterthanabox · 08/01/2018 00:02

Surely it would be worse if she’d not put enough lube on and had to have uncomfortable sex just to please his ego?

Bahhhhhumbug · 08/01/2018 00:24

It wasn't used for comfort but to aid fertility and because it feels good to the op apparently. I agree with pp imagine this thread if your dh had carried on applying something to your private parts after you told him to stop and then was angry at you and blaming you for spoiling the moment when you then want to stop.

TakeTheCrown · 08/01/2018 00:41

There is a difference between asking someone to stop something sexually because it hurts you or is uncomfortable, and being irritated that they may be using up all the lube. That is not a consent issue. Some people are reaching so hard to turn this guy into a sexual assault survivor...

If the OP had made a thread saying "My DH put lube on me as I wanted but then I saw he was going to use more than necessary so I said don't, but he did it anyway and I was annoyed and didn't want to have sex anymore so we didn't" would people really be calling it a "consent issue"?

kmc1111 · 08/01/2018 00:49

For me putting on lube is part of foreplay. If my partner in that moment was worried about being 'practical' and getting every drop out of the tube so it's not wasted, and kept at it after I asked them to stop, that would instantly kill any sexual desire I had.

JessieMcJessie · 08/01/2018 00:53

It doesn’t aid fertility it just doesn’t reduce your chance of conceiving like normal lube would due to its mild spermicidal effect.

thegreatbeyond · 08/01/2018 01:08

You are meant to put fertility lube inside your vagina. It's meant to help the sperm along, as it were.

Worked for me, anyway.

LittlePaintBox · 08/01/2018 01:30

I miscarried early in my second pregnancy, and it caused a lot of emotional problems. DH never acknowledged how upsetting it was for me (I got postnatal depression afterwards), and actually said he'd had a nightmare about the baby being damaged, so he was relieved I's MCed, which I felt was unforgiveable.

When we talked about it a lot later, he said he'd been really upset, and just didn't know what to do or say.

I can understand why you both feel desperate to conceive, but you do have time to try and reconnect a bit first. The loss of a pregnancy is really distressing, in a way that few people understand if it hasn't happened to them. So, in a way, you are each other's best hope for support.

Hope it all works out for you. x

IlikemyTeahot · 08/01/2018 02:05

I've no experience with this topic here but I have to say some posters are coming off a tad insensitive. Im so sorry for you and your DHs loss OP.
I hope in time you will both recover from this and continue to have a good relationship you must both be feeling an enormous amount of pressure but don't forget to look after yourselves and each other xx

GottadoitGottadoit · 08/01/2018 02:09

Surely you should use lube exactly however you want to

LokiBear · 08/01/2018 08:29

I miscarried two years ago at 13 weeks. My dh still cries e wrt now and then, as do I. Don't assume the because he isn't sharing his feelings that he hasn't got them. I
I second what a previous poster has said, join a ttc after miscarriage thread. It's helpful to share with people who have been there. It is such a horrible time. Neither you nor your dh deserve it.

Rebeccaslicker · 08/01/2018 08:31

My friend had something similar with her DP after 2 miscarriages. Eventually he broke down and admitted he was actually scared of the pressure to perform on time and scared of it happening again, so he was lashing out.

Could your partner be doing something similar, do you think?

for your loss and fingers crossed for a baby soon.

Saz432 · 08/01/2018 08:47

I'm stunned that people are trying to make out that OP is somehow being controlling or abusive by using as much lube as she personalky feels she needs - given that it's for her benefit rather than his, if anything it's controlling to tell her how much she can or can't use.

I'm also shocked by how many people are saying "dump the lube" or making some sort of assumption her arousal levels. Sorry if TMI but I have absolutely no problem whatsoever in that department, plenty of natural lubrication, but have always found sex very painful initially (due to medical issues and generally being small) - started using additional lube several years ago and it completely transformed sex for me and made it pretty much painless. Lubricant is not only used because you're not aroused.

OP - I suggest you use it internally, as you see fit.

diddl · 08/01/2018 09:13

Have you apologised, Op?

Can you have a few months where you just have sex?

I thought people just stopped using contraception, had no idea that they checked dates/used aids when first trying.

Hippydippydoo · 08/01/2018 09:16

Am I missing something? What on Earth is the problem with using lube, fertility or otherwise. It improves things for everyone,no?

Imo ywnbu.

diddl · 08/01/2018 09:32

"It improves things for everyone,no?"

Not if it's making things stressful.