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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH picked a fight during sex

116 replies

beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 20:55

Myself and DH are TTC after a loss. He is as keen as ever to conceive and today is possible a fertile day for me. He is usually a nice person but occasionally can be a bit petty and grumpy. Sorry if this is TMI but he instigated DTD, we are using a fertility lube and I put some on him and he said that's enough, but I squirted a tiny bit more out after that- he immediately got annoyed and was huffing and puffing, lost his erection and couldn't perform at all. I apologised and said its not a big deal why is he picking a fight? I told him not to ruin the night and he said he wasn't but he then couldn't perform at all and now he's gone to bed.

I hate how everything was lovely and now there's a horrendous awkward atmosphere. I'm still upset from the MC and TTC is emotive for me anyway without this. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Original poster
beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 21:31

I don't know if the lube makes a difference but usually we use it anyway, just a different type, even when we weren't TTC. I don't know how to get back to normal and every month that comes closer to my previous due date I feel panicked and depressed and worried it will never happen.

OP posts:
BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 07/01/2018 21:33

Sounds like you need to bring some fun back into the relationship. Try putting sex off the agenda and start dating again for a bit See If that helps.

TrinitySquirrel · 07/01/2018 21:34

OP dont put the lube on him. Use the preeseed tubes or a calpol syringe and put it inside yourself like a suppository beforehand. Not exactly the most sexy of things to do but can do it in the bathroom before getting down to it...

Butteredparsn1ps · 07/01/2018 21:38

Put the lube in the bin.

I’m sorry if this sounds blunt, but honestly you are actually more likely to conceive if you have good, hot sex.

I’m sorry about your MC Flowers

AuntieStella · 07/01/2018 21:39

YWBU - he asked you to stop a particular act and you continued. That's plain wrong.

Your circumstances are clouded by grief, which makes everything more difficult. But it does not remove from you the basics, which is that when you are told something (in this case the application of lube) is no longer welcome you desist. Not carry on, even only for a little bit.

I think you need to apologise, and then keep talking about what TTC right now means for you both, and about how that fits in to the wider reconnecting (as pp described)

grumpy4squash · 07/01/2018 21:39

Sorry to be ignorant, but what is fertility lube? (I know what normal lube is)

0hCrepe · 07/01/2018 21:41

I’ve also had a mc and got obsessed with conceiving. The more I mentioned it the less dh wanted to do it. It was a lot better when I didn’t mention it. You can always vent on here!

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/01/2018 21:42

your DH said no to something during/to do with his body and you carried on.

Spin it round and think about it for a second or more.

SimonBridges · 07/01/2018 21:43

I’m sorry to be blunt but 4 cycles is nothing. Simply nothing.
I had 3 years and 3 rounds of ivf with just some blurry scan pictures to show for it.

Yes loses are devastating. Yes ttcing is dreadfully hard but unless there are other underlying issues for either of you you really should be just having unprotected sex and seeing what happens.

Join some of the groups on the conception boards. ‘Just shagging’ is a good one. They will help you keep you sane.

itsbetterthanabox · 07/01/2018 21:43

He’s unreasonable.
Why would be care how much lube you use? Weird.
To actually get angry over that even weirder.

JaneEyre70 · 07/01/2018 21:44

WTF is fertility lube??! Honestly, you're not going to conceive if you are stressing about it and it know it's easier said than done. Making a baby should be something loving and fun - take the pressure off yourselves and be nice to each other Flowers.

TheLegendOfBeans · 07/01/2018 21:44

I think you need to apologise, and then keep talking about what TTC right now means for you both

This. This so so so so much. Talk. And keep talking. When talking stops trouble starts.

It sounds as if the mc has kicked him in the head badly too which may explain the keenness you describe him having you to concieve again. You guys have to have to talk.

Please don’t panic. You must keep the faith, and I say that as someone who’s been where you are. My wee baby is snoring away beside me.

Find your love again and just hug and kiss and hold each other loads. Good luck to the pair of you and I hope your dream comes true xxxxxxx

SimonBridges · 07/01/2018 21:44

grumpy normal lube makes it difficult for the sperm to get where they need to go. Fertility lube is easier for them.

Or it’s another way to take money from couples in the desperate situation of ttcing.

MaidOfStars · 07/01/2018 21:47

Normal lube is a mild spermicide (many chemical preparations are, it’s not an intended function).
‘Fertility’ lube is less harsh. It doesn't actively promote conception, IYSWIM.

cunningartificer · 07/01/2018 21:49

He’s not unreasonable. I agree with Pp’s that it made it about conception and not about making love. If I were you (have been there) I would focus on lovemaking esp those bits that might not lead to conception—to show that’s not what it’s all about. Imagine, as used to be the case, you were forbidden to try to conceive for a few more months and imagine how you could use the time for fun...

Capelin · 07/01/2018 21:50

Be kind to each other, OP. Remember he may also be feeling worried about this.

LokiBear · 07/01/2018 21:50

Simon, I'm really sorry to hear what you have been through, but, you can't minimise someone else's experience or pain just because yours was worse. TTC after a loss is soul destroying. The op needs to process it and is allowed to feel the way she feels.

Crunchymum · 07/01/2018 21:51

God I remember some madness when we were ttc after our 3rd loss (and subsequent recurrent miscarriage appointments and tests)

DP was getting ready to go out one Tuesday evening and I told him he couldn't go until we'd had sex as it was my most fertile time. He literally had his coat on ready to leave and I was like a fucking loon. He must have sex, on demand, this instant. It was his duty. He wasn't allowed out until he had sex with me..... gosh it was horrid.

Poor guy pointed out he wouldn't have been able to have sex, even if he wanted to as I was behaving so irrationally his dick had crawled up his arse Grin

We got there in the end OP. Had our rainbow baby.

UnderbeneathsiesTheMistletoe · 07/01/2018 21:54

Dump the lube for ever, and put TTcing out of your minds, and lay off the sex for a while.

You sound like you need to snog for at least 20 minutes every night instead.

Sorry about your loss btw.

Get snogging!

NewYearNiki · 07/01/2018 21:54

Given that alot of fertility lube comes in prefilled applicators to be used internally why were you putting it on him in the first place?

NewYearNiki · 07/01/2018 21:55

You dont have to dump the lube just use it as intended and he doesn't have to see you put it inside yourself first.

Original poster
beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 21:57

He won't talk to me though, he just says he's fine and is dismissive and changes the subject. He mentioned the name we had picked out for our baby the other day and I welled up and he told me I couldn't keep getting upset about things.

OP posts:
NoMudNoLotus · 07/01/2018 21:58

Please everyone stop telling OP to dump the lube.

While for many people conceiving is as simple as having hot sex - for equally as many others it isnt - it becomes a science .

OP give other some slack and have some hugs. 💐

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 07/01/2018 21:58

Tell him he may be but you're not and the way he's acting makes you feel he's not either.

FartsMeanHearts · 07/01/2018 21:59

It’s tough TTC after a loss.

We had a loss and i have a blocked tube and your scenario sounds exactly like what me and DH used to go through.

I started to hide the conceive plus lube and not talk about fertile days with DH as it really used to put him off.

Take it easy Flowers

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