Update on "should my daughter change schools?"

[StillWorkingOnACleverNN]

Summary of previous thread (I don't know how to link!). DD (year 4) is in a classroom with a difficult teacher and started pulling out her hair. We discovered the depth of the problem 4 weeks ago and have been trying to understand if it's just the classroom (it is) and if she has some other mental issues (she doesn't). On the previous thread, I was trying to decide whether to take her out of the school or not. There were many helpful suggestions about how to think about the issue.

DD's therapist met with DD several times and recommended that she NOT go back into the classroom, but rather change classrooms. The school was shocked and I think really didn’t expect this recommendation. (They have worked with the therapist around other children in the past and trust her)

The school is taking the problem seriously and is trying to keep DD in the school rather than moving. There is some huge self-imposed constraint about moving to the other class so that may not be possible. They haven't had a child change classrooms in the last 30 years. We are are exploring things they can put into place to keep her in the current class. They are willing to think outside of the box. Another teacher I trust will be in the class all the time this week so we are OK with sending DD to class while they look into these options or think about how to make it possible for her to switch classes.

It’s still possible they won’t be able to offer something we are OK with, not because they don’t want to but because the fallout from the solution would be worse than having her leave, and we may end up sending her to another school, but we’re all working collaboratively to try to avoid that.

They’ve asked for us to send as wide a list of options as we can for keeping her in the class for the rest of the year. I’ve come up with a few, but if you have other ideas please tell me! We’re sending them this list tomorrow morning so they have some time to think it through. Assume the teacher is toxic (without knowing it), open to change, but the change is going to happen slowly and the solution has to be through June.

My current ideas are:
Full time other adult in the class who has a relationship with the teacher where she intervenes on-the-spot when needed as well as giving continual feedback after class hours (I don’t want to say coach or co-teacher or whatever because it would be a unique role).

Send the teacher on sabbatical to do some special project for the rest of the year. Or offer early retirement.

Open another Year 4 class and ask for volunteer parents to move their children to the new class. This is not as crazy as it sounds. They have an empty classroom, the school is current expanding from 2 forms per year to 3 forms per year, and the expansion year is currently Year 2. There would be several parents who would volunteer.

Can you think of anything else?

I have read both threads and have to say that the thoughts and advice you have been offered by the knowledgeable posters of Mumsnet has been quite phenomenal. I really do hope you are listening.

The deputy head will observe for the week and draw her own conclusions re her suitability in general.
I got my dd moved mid way through a class for different reasons. It was unprecedented but the HT respected my calm and logical reasoning.
I'd just say that it is impossible for dd to stay in that class. She needs to change teacher or you will move her and I'd go no further than that. You shouldn't have to come up with a myriad of suggestions. That's their job.

I want to know what type of deputy has the time to spend a week observing, ain't gonna happen! Perhaps pop in once a day

This is insane. If I were the teacher, I'd be on the phone to my union by now. No parent should have any input into the career of a teacher. Ask for what you want (a change of class) and if they say no, then move schools. Those are your options. Not demanding a teacher be put on early retirement because one child doesn't like not being told she's amazing all hours of the day. Utterly batshit.

Are you American OP? I can't imagine you'd view it in quite the same way had you grown up in the UK.
The fact is that your daughter seems to be the only one severely affected in this way. Perhaps it is your attitude that is not particularly helping her to deal with it like the other kids do?

How have things been going OP?

I fear I may have over invested in this thread....

Year 4 teacher here. You may feel that your daughter is an advanced reader and should be reading “Year 5 appropriate” reading books. If you are in the UK, you need to know the new curriculum is very demanding and reading skills are not simply based on whether a child can fluently read a book and discuss it. There are many levels of deeper comprehension and analysis required.

You are doing your daughter absolutely no favours in doing what you believe to be shielding her from criticism. One of the most important jobs you have as a parent is to help her develop appropriate independence and resilience.
However, as you say that what other people think has no bearing on your own views of your thoughts and actions, the fact that every poster on here thinks you are being wholly inappropriate and potentially crossing professional and legal boundaries will not make any difference to you.

Can't help thinking that op's silence speaks volumes here...

How about a course of NLP or CBT for the teacher if she wants to be able to reframe her interactions with the students?

Does DD want to stay in this class? If so, you stand on your head to make it possible - I liked the suggestions of a safe space and access to it, stress toys - from blutac to fidget cubes to being allowed to doodle to externalise. If she can't cope with this teacher, listen and move her - internally or by removing her entiredly to home ed' or an alternative school. And those are the options you put in front of the SLT.

Good luck. You are supposed to fight her corner. It won't make you popular but your child will know you care and are putting her first.

I think that if the teacher's approach is alienating some of the children in the class, to the point where they need therapy, then focus shouldn't be on the children to develop coping mechanisms and resilience, but on the teacher to adapt her methods. Her job is to teach all the children in her class, not just the ones who are in sync with her natural style/are not affected by personal criticism.

I would push the school to chsnge her class. Their logistical/other issues are for them to work out. Your priority has to be your own child.
It sounds like they are failing to manage properly - if the teacher needs further support or training then they ought to be providing that. I'm sure the teacher doesn't want to be receiving criticism every year or feel judged by her colleagues. The school seem a bit 'head in the sand' about the issues here and I agree there is potential for a legal mess if they don't deal with it properly.

I wanna
I don't necessarily disagree that the teacher may need some training/ support. However the key point is that surely that is a matter between the senior management team, the teacher and her union, and not a matter for parents to dictate?

Yes, I do agree that the smt should be handling this.

I haven't been on MumsNet in a long while, and had forgot about this thread! If anyone who posted is reading, thank you for your advice. This is how it turned out: the deputy head spent a week in the classroom and was very disturbed at the interactions she saw between the teacher and children. The psychologist I had hired, who had worked at the school before, observed the class each week and every other week I met with the deputy head and psychologist to make sure my child was OK. We did not talk about the teacher but I knew they were talking about that as well. Another teacher was hired and the tone of the classroom did not become completely better but was improved. Many parents commented on this in groups and to me, and asked if I knew why the teacher was hired, and I said "it's probably a special needs thing, best not to ask unless the family involved wants to discuss it." My dd had a somewhat stressful rest of the year, knowing why there was an extra teacher in the room when the other children didn't, but she managed alright. The extra teacher left at the end of the year to teach abroad, and the original teacher left to do something else (I assume she was let go but didn't ask). My dd has not returned to pulling out her hair. She did really well last year and is doing great this year.

The head (who was in his second year at the time) apologized and explained that there was no system of supervision for teachers past their fifth year of teaching - they developed their own "professional learning plans" and the previous head was fairly anti-parent, so reasonable complaints fell on deaf ears and children/families were blamed when children had difficulty (i.e. the Y4 curriculum is harder, the family just had a new baby, the family has a special need child, etc to explain their stress symptoms).

Although there are a few things I would change in retrospect, I think overall I did OK. It was a really hard year. My marriage suffered. It's now getting better.