DH rude or not?

[MotherOfBeagles]

My dh is generally an anti social sod. We are both aware of this but after numerous incidents in the past of him being rude to my family, and me calling him on it with no improvement. Last year I sat him down and said enough is enough. Fair enough you don't have to be super happy crappy pontins entertainer but at least be polite and sociable. The thing is my dh likes my family and enjoys being around them but then he acts like this -

But then today is his birthday, we've been stuck in the house all week with a sick baby. My parents have been away and got home late last night. My brother is currently going through army training and was going back to camp this afternoon for his big exercise and exams and was really nervous. So as always on days like this we agreed to go to my parents house for a few hours to say hello and see my brother off. Dh was fine all morning, laughing and joking. But the minute we walked through my parents door he started acting like an extra from Kevin and Perry - with a smartphone. Face like a slapped arse. Sat in a corner. Not talking to anyone and when asked a direct question responds with "what" and a glare. I tried our "code word" for your being rude join in that we came up with last year during our big heart to heart but nothing. He even answered the phone to his mum and started laughing and joking with her whilst everyone else sat confused and silently mouthing to me what was going on?

Back in the car and dh is all laughing and joking again so i call him on his behaviour. Say he was really rude and offended my family and embarrassed me. Silence. Not a word. He literally went mute.

So since being home I've not said a word to him and I'm not going to until he apologises. We've been through this same incident so many times and I've let it slide or put up with excuses or no apologies but not this time I'm sick of it. I know it's childish to ignore him but I'm just so angry.

So I know iabu to be ignoring him but was he rude or am I over reacting?

Did he want to go to your parents house on his birthday? Not saying it is fair of him to be a face-ache all day but did he actually want to?

YANBU. He should either have been a grown up and been polite, or not gone. Can completely understand why you're not talking to him!!!

Yeah he was said he was fine with it as we'd been stuck in the house all week

Happy birthday DH.....

Sorry posted too early! Just literally when we walked through my parents door he turned into that.

The thing that pissed me of even more is how much my family do for us! My mum comes and helps me every day as I'm on mat leave. She tidied up, walks the dogs and helps me with the baby if I need it. She also looks after our dogs when we're both working all day every day. She will be looking after the baby too when I go back to work (her choice shed go mad if we put him in nursery). My stepdad will drop everything and come and help us whenever we need it. Then he acts like that?!

Sounds like he is deliberately being rude to your family. This disrespect is a choice. YANBU calling him out on it.

I know user and trust me I feel really shit that it's his birthday and this is what's happened - I have a birthday cake hidden in the fridge for him. But I just can't bring myself to let it slide again, this isn't a one of and we've talked about it so many times and today just really really was enough. I can't just keep letting it go. If I acted like that with his mum the world would come crashing down!

Is it an anxiety thing? My oh can be abit like this. He feels awkward.

Funny how things are interpreted differently as it sounds to me like he wants to make the effort but maybe doesn't know what to say to your family. Surely if he wanted to be rude he'd just refuse to go?
Do your dh and parents/brother have any common interests?

What did you tell him would happen if he didn't buck his ideas up last time? That's what needs to happen now. I had an ex like this. He was a prick in other ways too.

My DH does a low key version of this. When we go round to my family, he whips put his phone and plays games. I don't think it offends my family, they are used to it, but when I go round to his family I engage in conversation. I call him put on it and he sheepishly agrees, then next time we go over, he gets his phone out again! However, I know he is just being thoughtless, not rude. I would be rather annoyed with the behaviour of your DH OP.

It's more than anti social, it's outright rudeness, and being all jokey on this phone with his family shoes he's taking the piss. Very childish, not surprised you are annoyed. I wouldn't put up with this crap.

tinker no it's not an anxiety thing he is generally sometimes quite anti social and rude. He's an only child and it's something his mums encouraged in him since he was little as she doesn't see why he should be polite to anyone but her. He's admitted during conversations that he knows he's being rude at the time but cba to stop. It's a long built in habit. But then he also says that's what he loves about my family that we all get stuck in and he wants to be more like that.

corbyns when he is bothering to get involved he has loads in common with both my brothers and my step dad and my mum is one of those people who you can't help but get on with!

That is really rude and disrespectful. Does he realise he's doing it? Video him next time, or don't let him come along and tell him it's because of the way he behaves (unless this is his master plan all along to get alone time!!)

Thanks party that's the bit that annoys me the most. Shows he's not in a bad mood or ill or miserable. He was purposefully being rude to my family!

mothercupboard I threatened to start acting like that with his family and we both know that would not be acceptable and would most likely end up in huge rows. So why was it ok for him to act like that with mine? He agreed and promised to improve and generally for the last few months he has, there's been the odd occasion he's been on the edge and I've had to use the code word but today was horrible

Sounds punitive in a way, as if he’s punishing you or them for something?

Very rude. I wouldn’t be able to put up with that childish petulant behaviour. Worse, too, that he knows he’s doing it. I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes, OP, but I’d have no respect for my DH - that’s for sure!

I can think of many things I'd rather do on my birthday than spending the day at the in-laws. Of course it doesn't excuse the rudeness, but I'd be inclined to cut the poor man some slack if his behaviour is otherwise fine.

Sounds like my stbx. I came to the conclusion in the end that it was a way of exercising control over me. The more awkward and difficult he made social situations, the less likely I was to try to invite people round, arrange to see friends/family etc. The really infuriating thing was that he could be absolutely fine with his friends and family.

I did start to feel a bit isolated in the end, and after a while took the decision to start to do more without him. His behaviour over this definitely contributed to the breakdown of our marriage.

Have you tried asking him what goes wrong and how he feels, and why he thinks he falls into this behaviour?

Also, maybe just stop inviting him and go on your own. That can often help more than telling him off and dragging him along. Even if he says he's fine he obviously isn't. Try to find out why and listen?

I think he WBU to act like that.

BUT I think you should talk to him. I agree with pasturesgreen that it doesn't sound like a great birthday plan, especially on top of being cooped up with a sick baby as you said. Did he see his family at all today? Did you go out and do anything as a family?

He sounds like a childish, self-centered jerk.

If my mother I law was in my home every day tidying up I can’t see that encouraging me to act like a grownup.

Maybe the dynamics with your family are such that he feels subconsciously like he is being treated like a teenager, and this is why he is acting like one.

Have you missed the op's posts where she says she has talked to him about this over and over again Kimmy?