DH rude or not?

[MotherOfBeagles]

My dh is generally an anti social sod. We are both aware of this but after numerous incidents in the past of him being rude to my family, and me calling him on it with no improvement. Last year I sat him down and said enough is enough. Fair enough you don't have to be super happy crappy pontins entertainer but at least be polite and sociable. The thing is my dh likes my family and enjoys being around them but then he acts like this -

But then today is his birthday, we've been stuck in the house all week with a sick baby. My parents have been away and got home late last night. My brother is currently going through army training and was going back to camp this afternoon for his big exercise and exams and was really nervous. So as always on days like this we agreed to go to my parents house for a few hours to say hello and see my brother off. Dh was fine all morning, laughing and joking. But the minute we walked through my parents door he started acting like an extra from Kevin and Perry - with a smartphone. Face like a slapped arse. Sat in a corner. Not talking to anyone and when asked a direct question responds with "what" and a glare. I tried our "code word" for your being rude join in that we came up with last year during our big heart to heart but nothing. He even answered the phone to his mum and started laughing and joking with her whilst everyone else sat confused and silently mouthing to me what was going on?

Back in the car and dh is all laughing and joking again so i call him on his behaviour. Say he was really rude and offended my family and embarrassed me. Silence. Not a word. He literally went mute.

So since being home I've not said a word to him and I'm not going to until he apologises. We've been through this same incident so many times and I've let it slide or put up with excuses or no apologies but not this time I'm sick of it. I know it's childish to ignore him but I'm just so angry.

So I know iabu to be ignoring him but was he rude or am I over reacting?

My DH behaves normally with my parents yet acts like your DH in front of his own parents (immediately onto his phone, won't make eye contact, answers monosyllabically to any questions etc etc). Have asked him multiple times over the last 15 years to explain himself but he won't. Consequently I have to do all the talking and God it is tiring. Thankfully now have 2 DDs to break the tension a bit, but still.....

I think Wauden might be onto something there though. He could feel internally resentful of how wonderful your mum is if he knew his mum would not support him in the same way. Was he brought up in a little bubble where other people were interfering etc?

And honestly, hand on heart - if he said nah I don't really feel like going today, what would you have done? Would you have been cheerily OK with that or would you have indicated in some way that it had disappointed you that he didn't want to go? If you would have been absolutely fine about it, he seems to be acting in a passive aggressive manner.

He's rude but let him manage it himself

If he doesn't make an effort and people dislike him then let him deal with it. Leave him to it. Don't try to encourage him into chatting, he's an adult not a teenager. Let him see the consequences of people disliking him.

housework id have been fine with it because I know what he's like when I push him into something. It's much easier and pleasanter to do it without him when he acts like that and he knows it.

shox I think that's what I'm going to have to do. Just learn to ignore it if he's not going to change.

Maybe another approach is needed then?
What about you go and see your parents wo him and he stays at home doing all the HW that needs doing?

And then to ask him that HE organises something himself for them to thank them for the he,p they are giving him (and you). The something being someth8ng he is involved in of course (so NOT a spa day so he can still avoid to make an effort towards them)

Not a bad idea hermoine might have a think about that one thank you!

Also stupid phone spelling hermione wrong

To be honest, it sounds like something more fundamental than him merely going out of his way to be rude. Just because there's no diagnosis, doesn't mean there may not actually be an answer underlying issue he has no real control over

There's clearly also a major family culture clash.

I'm not sure I'd fall out with him over it. Sounds to me he really can't actually deal with your family en masse and used the phone to check out of the situation.

From what you say, he has zero insight into it himself.

I'm not suggesting you all go out and try and get a diagnosis or anything. However you may have to accept this is how he is. Your family will get used to it once they appreciate he is actually doing his best (in his mind) by just turning up.

The important thing is that you do not let it limit you seeing your family through embarrassment that he is either (a) rude or (b) not there.

The issue I have with Shox alternative is that he might well damage your relationhsip oth your family at the same time.
Fine if he doesn’t care about seeing your family so them disliking himisnt going to be an issue.
But what about you if your brothers start to get really annoyed with him and refuse to see him?
What about Christmas for example or any time you would want to spend together but can’t because they might decide that he will NOT be welcome again into their house???

You're really asking if he was rude? Well of course he was! That's in the 'fact not opinion' category, surely.

Your real question seems to be what to do about it. That would be better posted in relationships.

He sounds like a resentful, manipulative, self-absorbed little fucker. 'Do exactly what I want or I'll sulk'. To which the answer is surely 'No. Take part with good grace or not at all.'

So I would certainly say he is not invited next time. But, the risk there is that he becomes even more uncomfortable with your family and avoids them forever, as he has no idea how to behave to get back on good terms with them. So, better you refuse to take him as he embarrassed you. Then it remains between you two but with reference to the effect on others.

I can't believe he accepted presents from them. Then sulked at them. That's quite extraordinary behaviour.

His behaviour was unacceptable but your involvement with your family sounds excessive - his birthday yet your family takes priority? Your Mum decides on who looks after your and his baby? Your stepdad drops everything to help out?

He probably feels completely sidelined and marginalised. It must be lovely to have such a close loving family but you’re married with a baby, maybe you should focus a little more on your new family now?

I hate the whole rude in social situations equals must be on the spectrum.

My ex husband used to be like this. He would chat and laugh with his family but around mine he would sit indoors and watch cricket whilst we are all outside having a bbq. It was so rude and my family always mentioned it and asked if we had fallen out but we hadn't. After 7 years of it I divorced him and moved home. My new husband loves my family more than his own and is always laughing with them. Much happier all round.

wilting Just my experience with ‘accepting this is how he will always be’
I did that with H because I was convinced he was on the spectrum (still think he is btw) so I put up with crap behaviour on the ground he just couldn’t help it.
It was hurtful, it damaged my self confidence and I became a shell of myself because I had to accommodate so much.

Move on a few years and I actually snapped. I made it clear I was ready to move out because his behaviour was crap and I couldnt take it anymore. Not the first time I had said it but this time, it probably felt like I really meant it.
And ... surprise surprise.... he changed. He was suddenly able to cope with seeing people for a couple of hours (before I had given up inviting anyone over as it created so many problems). He started to think about other people (aka me and the dcs) than himself.
He still has some very clear traits of AS BUT he has also proven that he has some control over it and that I really didn’t need to ‘just accept the way he is, incl his total rudeness’.

I don't agree with the 'no insight' comments. Sounds like a mixture of not having learnt social skills or their importance and mardy teenage 'don't give a fuck-ery'. Lack of skills and inclination, not lack of awareness or this lack.

Awareness of this lack, that is.

I couldn't cope with that behaviour. He needs to apologise to you and your family.

Would he agree to joint counselling?

Whilst I would not excuse his actions and he should not be acting like that and/or is clearly in the wrong, birthdays can be hard for some people for various reasons.

Other peoples families can also be hard work and if he has a history of not getting on with your family it probably was not the best idea for him to join you on this day.

I do not think you are being unreasonable but I would be tempted to let it slide today and deal with the issue tomorrow.

He does sound rude, but the last thing I'd want to do on my birthday is go to my inlaws house.

Sounds like he is deliberately being rude to your family. This disrespect is a choice. YANBU calling him out on it.

^Completely agree

He was raised not to value people or their company. From the sounds of it, his mother wanted him all to herself. I think he needs counselling. Your family sound great and so helpful. He should be grateful to them and realise how lucky he is to have their help, not hold them in contempt. He sounds very resentful.

If he is ignoring the code word, roll up a newspaper and whack him on the bonce to snap out of it. Not exactly helpful but I’m childish

Yeah I see what you mean Hermione

I don't think the OP should be jollying him along or trying to make him behave himself. He's an adult and he should behave better than this.

My boyfriend and I went to a family party last summer and he didn't make any effort with anyone. He even told my Mum he was a bit bored which was rude. I told him that I want him to step up in future and speak to people. I said it wouldn't be acceptable to me to have a partner who makes no effort with my family. He stepped up and made much more effort at the next party.

I think you have to decide if its a dealbreaker or not. If it is then tell him and act on it. If not then leave him to it.

I threatened to start acting like that with his family and we both know that would not be acceptable and would most likely end up in huge rows.

Why do you both know it's unacceptable and why woud it cause rows?

I mean, if it's acceptable for him to behave that way, then he can't object to you behaving that way with his mum, can he?

And why would he row with you if you did it at his mum's?

I'm really not liking the double standard here.

So I would tell him he's not invited at your mum's until he can be a decent guest and I would be standoffish at his mum's.

And I would tell your mum to stop walking the dog for him.

He sounds exhausting.