DH rude or not?

[MotherOfBeagles]

My dh is generally an anti social sod. We are both aware of this but after numerous incidents in the past of him being rude to my family, and me calling him on it with no improvement. Last year I sat him down and said enough is enough. Fair enough you don't have to be super happy crappy pontins entertainer but at least be polite and sociable. The thing is my dh likes my family and enjoys being around them but then he acts like this -

But then today is his birthday, we've been stuck in the house all week with a sick baby. My parents have been away and got home late last night. My brother is currently going through army training and was going back to camp this afternoon for his big exercise and exams and was really nervous. So as always on days like this we agreed to go to my parents house for a few hours to say hello and see my brother off. Dh was fine all morning, laughing and joking. But the minute we walked through my parents door he started acting like an extra from Kevin and Perry - with a smartphone. Face like a slapped arse. Sat in a corner. Not talking to anyone and when asked a direct question responds with "what" and a glare. I tried our "code word" for your being rude join in that we came up with last year during our big heart to heart but nothing. He even answered the phone to his mum and started laughing and joking with her whilst everyone else sat confused and silently mouthing to me what was going on?

Back in the car and dh is all laughing and joking again so i call him on his behaviour. Say he was really rude and offended my family and embarrassed me. Silence. Not a word. He literally went mute.

So since being home I've not said a word to him and I'm not going to until he apologises. We've been through this same incident so many times and I've let it slide or put up with excuses or no apologies but not this time I'm sick of it. I know it's childish to ignore him but I'm just so angry.

So I know iabu to be ignoring him but was he rude or am I over reacting?

I'd go back to your parents and enjoy the cake with them! Cannot believe someone could be so rude to his polite in laws

Hmm does he have a choice not to go? To be honest both dh and I really struggle with each other’s families so we tend to see them separately. Christmas is about the only time we all get together. I am very introverted and really struggle being around dhs family so I would really struggle with the expectation you have of your dh that he has to see them quite often etc.

Oh dear. A manchild.
He knows just what he is doing. Whatever he says. Actually pretty divisive and toxic behaviour.
I have no answers.... being rude to my Mother is a nono with me.
If I may say so you seem aghast but making excuses/reasons for him being a complete twunt.
Only children don't grow up to be big hairy sulky fuckers.
They grow up just like everyone else.
He isn't 12, he's an adult .
I am not sure I would like to be with someone so rude having experienced this sort of thing , it can lead to worse.
Is he rude to you at all?

Op, is it just your family or is he like that with your friends too? Do you think he’s jealous of the relationship you have with your family? How exasperating.

His behaviour is shockingly rude. What the fuck is his problem? I’d be incredibly embarrassed and tbh wouldn’t have a clue how to try and handle it.

He seems unlikely to apologise so what do you want to do?

I'd leave him at home. Seriously. It may have been his birthday, but given he's an adult, he was perfectly able to say I'd rather not go today, can we do something else? But presumably he didn't. So to act that like in someone's house that does a lot for him - not on. I would leave him home, and say I'd rather you didn't come thank you as I find your behaviour too embarassing. And repeat until he gets the message.

And you really shouldn't have to have a codeword with a functioning adult that their behaviour isn't acceptable .

jedi we were supposed to go out last night bowling with my brother and a few friends but the baby was too sick. I told him to go on his own but he didn't want to. So my brother and his gf came over to watch a film and distract dh whilst I looked after baby. He was fine and happy then. He hasn't seen his family because his mum lives 400 miles away which I know is shit but no excuse to behave like that.

I know I need to talk to him and try and get him to explain but I know what he'll say. He'll start with he wasn't that bad I was being over sensitive. Then when I point out others noticed including my usually bomb proof brother he'll mutter and sulk. Then eventually he will say that he didn't want to have to go to out be sociable, even though he said he wanted to go he changed his mind when he got there. Then he'll either apologise or just go mute again. I'm just so fed up of the same cycle over and over again. Also he absolutely isn't forced to go in anyway he knows I'd much rather he stayed home if he's going to behave like that. But he doesn't!

cecilia not making an excuse as him being an only child. More an explanation. It was just him and his mum, he didn't really have friends as she discouraged it and really encouraged him to be rude and antisocial in general.

He's like this with everyone, except his mum. He can be like it with me sometimes but I tend to give him an hour or so of acting like that then tell him to get his act together - nicely and usually he does.

I think I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that he isn’t invited anymore because he turns into a cock regardless of whatever reason he comes up with. Natural consequence.

You can’t change who he is but you can how you manage it. He doesn’t get to keep you on eggshells or try to isolate you from your family.

Only tines ive experienced this is with controlling exes. They would be fine but as soon as my parents, or even friends walked in the house they would make the atmosphere so uncomfortable. Same if we went on visists, which they were more than happy to attend until we got there.

It resulted in me not wanting to go as much and people not wanting to come over as much.

Sounds to me like he is not saying what he wants to do but then punishing you for then feeling hard done by. Quite passive-aggressive. If he doesn't want to go, he needs to be able to say so, without you being annoyed. If he says he wants to go, he can't then change his mind at the last minute or take it out on you and your family. It is rude, antisocial and humiliating to you.

It sounds as well as though he isn't used to the dynamics of a bigger family and perhaps isn't used to not being centre of attention. If he was brought up as an only child, this may be difficult for him and although he likes the idea of your family, when he is actually there with you all, perhaps he isn't quite sure where he fits in or how to interact.

He either stops acting this way and makes a genuine effort or he no longer comes to see your family with you.

lashings that's exactly what I said during our heart to heart and I think you've nailed it on the head! And I know I'm behaving just as bad as him blanking him now but I'm so fed up of being the grown up and dealing with his childish behaviour.

I know that you love having your family so involved but does he? Maybe he’s had enough of them even if they are lovely.

I am sorry but he sounds appalling. It's a long time since his mother brought him up.
You should NOT have to mother an adult partner.The fact he isn't like it with his mother, means he knows how to behave. He has low respect for other people.I bet he doesn't speak to is boss like that.
Being rude, surly and generally unpleasant are red flags in adults.
Not judging. Long bitter experience outrages me that he behaves like this to your lovely family.

PS unless of course he has Asperger's ?

In an adult, thats controlling behaviour.

What does he want from you afterwards? Are you expected to be especially nice, ask him whats wrong and soothe his hurt feelings?

A thought, and this in no way excuses his behavior. Is he silently resentful that your (wonderful) family does so much to help? I know that doesn't seem logical, but some people don't seem to feel comfortable with that amount of help.

As it is his birthday was he expecting it to be a surprise party? Did your family wish him happy birthday and give him presents? if so then that is terrible behaviour.

"Today 18:36 RadioGaGoo

My DH does a low key version of this. When we go round to my family, he whips put his phone and plays games. I don't think it offends my family, they are used to it, but when I go round to his family I engage in conversation. I call him put on it and he sheepishly agrees, then next time we go over, he gets his phone out again! However, I know he is just being thoughtless, not rude"
Actually I would class the above as really rude

This is where you need a Nessa (Gavin and Stacey) character in your family to say, "Oy, DH. Stop being a twat."

No Aspergers or otherwise behaviours like that. Genuinely is just a learnt behaviour thats been long encouraged by mummy dearest.

irk no he doesn't expect any behaviour from me afterwards because honestly in his head it's no big deal. He behaves how he wants to and the world should just keep spinning. Totally normal in his mind. Until I call him on it, usually he then sort of wakes up and goes oh yeah I'm being a dick and will apologise. Just this one time for some reason has pushed me over the edge.

wauden I don't think so as he is always thanking my mum and saying how lucky we are to have her. Plus even if his mum was local there would definitely not be any support from her, she's not the type at all.

pudcat I don't think he was expecting a party but there were cards and presents from everyone there for him. So even worse when I think about how he acted. Rude and ungrateful.

I agree it's controlling behaviour. Whether intentional or not. I think he needs counselling to break that unhealthy dynamic that his mother is said to have instilled in him.

brilliant disguise that's usually me 🤣

Then eventually he will say that he didn't want to have to go to out be sociable, even though he said he wanted to go he changed his mind when he got there

This is very passive aggressive. Just go off and see your family on your own.