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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH rude or not?

104 replies

MotherOfBeagles · 07/01/2018 18:24

My dh is generally an anti social sod. We are both aware of this but after numerous incidents in the past of him being rude to my family, and me calling him on it with no improvement. Last year I sat him down and said enough is enough. Fair enough you don't have to be super happy crappy pontins entertainer but at least be polite and sociable. The thing is my dh likes my family and enjoys being around them but then he acts like this -

But then today is his birthday, we've been stuck in the house all week with a sick baby. My parents have been away and got home late last night. My brother is currently going through army training and was going back to camp this afternoon for his big exercise and exams and was really nervous. So as always on days like this we agreed to go to my parents house for a few hours to say hello and see my brother off. Dh was fine all morning, laughing and joking. But the minute we walked through my parents door he started acting like an extra from Kevin and Perry - with a smartphone. Face like a slapped arse. Sat in a corner. Not talking to anyone and when asked a direct question responds with "what" and a glare. I tried our "code word" for your being rude join in that we came up with last year during our big heart to heart but nothing. He even answered the phone to his mum and started laughing and joking with her whilst everyone else sat confused and silently mouthing to me what was going on?

Back in the car and dh is all laughing and joking again so i call him on his behaviour. Say he was really rude and offended my family and embarrassed me. Silence. Not a word. He literally went mute.

So since being home I've not said a word to him and I'm not going to until he apologises. We've been through this same incident so many times and I've let it slide or put up with excuses or no apologies but not this time I'm sick of it. I know it's childish to ignore him but I'm just so angry.

So I know iabu to be ignoring him but was he rude or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 07/01/2018 19:18

Codeword? I'd kick his arse. I'd kick my 15yo's arse if he behaved like this. And he DOES have Aspergers Hmm

thewanderer03 · 07/01/2018 19:19

My dh can be exactly the same, OP. We had a big row over it last year when it came to a head when we went out for the day with my family. We sat down and had a heart to heart and we worked out that it sounds like he had social anxiety. He is better with his family but on occasions he is the same with them also although he is more comfortable in their prescience than with mine. There's also been plenty of opportunities when he is fine with my family but on the odd occasion e is like this and I found it really embarrassing. We haven't seen anyone about it but it adds up with other things he has mentioned in the past. Is he like it with his family/anyone else OP? I too at that time last year said I would be the same with his family if no better but luckily it hasn't come to that!

thewanderer03 · 07/01/2018 19:21

And as others have mentioned we have considered aspergers/autism for my dh. He had never been tested but it's in his immediate family and he does have traits.

Gemini69 · 07/01/2018 19:23

He's a DICK .... the end Flowers

Olddear · 07/01/2018 19:24

urgh...he sounds awful!

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2018 19:24

What's he like at work?

Partypopper123 · 07/01/2018 19:25

Tell him he's not wanted at the next family do because of his rudeness. I honestly don't get all this 'anti social' as an excuse for rudeness. I adore quiet time on my own and feel drained by big social gatherings, but would never dream of going somewhere and being mono-syllabic, making everyone else feel uncomfortable. It's called being an adult and putting a face on.

Unfinishedkitchen · 07/01/2018 19:27

Does he actually want your family as involved in his life as you think? Maybe he’s just going along with it to make you happy and is resentful and it comes out in this way.

I’m not an only child but I don’t think I’d want my partners family as involved in my life as yours seem to be in yours. Why does your mum get to decide who looks after your child, why is your stepdad always at the end of the phone ready to come round? Sounds a bit suffocating and in each other’s pickets to me.

WhooooAmI24601 · 07/01/2018 19:27

Thing is, as an adult there will always be people you're not so keen on spending time with and situations where you just can't be arsed. But unless you're entirely incompetent you suck it up and smile and put on a face for the people you love. Your DH is disrespecting you and your family by behaving this way and you're excusing it by saying "he's always been a grumpy sod". Being grumpy isn't like being tall or short or bald, it's a choice. He's choosing to be that person. I don't like people who choose to be rude; they're inevitably asshats.

HermioneAndMsJones · 07/01/2018 19:30

Errr... being on the spectrum is an explanation not an excuse.
If he is finding social situations hard because of Asperger, then he needs to say so. AS doesn’t give him the green light to not say he has an issue with going to see the OP’s family and then act like an arse.

HermioneAndMsJones · 07/01/2018 19:32

And if one is resentful, then They need to say so instead of just being rude to the people who are actually supporting you and that apparently you say you really appreciate.

Actually that is a major issue for me. You can’t say at the same time that you really appreciate x and y and the help they give you but to feel resentful to go and see them, every single time that you see them.

CrikeyPeg · 07/01/2018 19:33

It sounds like he's being a PA arse and trying to control your enjoyment of time with your family. Next time you go to visit your family drive by yourself in your own vehicle; give him the genuine option of making a conscious decision to drive himself there or go somewhere else if he'd rather (ie if he decides to go to the pub for a drink, the beach for a walk or just stay at home accept it). If he turns up and acts like an arse tell him to get his shit together or eff off, no need for code words when it's clear to everyone he's just being a dickhead.

ButtPlugInMyHalloweenHaul · 07/01/2018 19:34

What NannyOgg said. What's he like at work OP?

Original poster
MotherOfBeagles · 07/01/2018 19:35

hermoine my point exactly. I am close to my family and I know that would be too much for some people. But it's never been a secret he knew that from the start. And he can't pick and choose. Yes I do want your mum to walk the dogs for me so I don't have to when you're looking after the baby alone and can't manage it. But actually I'm going to be a rude twat to her a few hours later because I cba?

OP posts:
greenlanes · 07/01/2018 19:35

He seems able to switch the behaviour on and off. That makes this behaviour controlling, this is unlikely to improve. Sorry.

If I were you I would be looking for other red flags.

My EX was like this. It is a strategy to isolate you.

EightdaysaweekIloveu · 07/01/2018 19:36

*Today 19:25 Partypopper123

Tell him he's not wanted at the next family do because of his rudeness. I honestly don't get all this 'anti social' as an excuse for rudeness. I adore quiet time on my own and feel drained by big social gatherings, but would never dream of going somewhere and being mono-syllabic, making everyone else feel uncomfortable. It's called being an adult and putting a face on.*

This...

I would tell him he is no longer invited as he brings down the mood of everyone else. Sorry but he sounds like a manchild.

Original poster
MotherOfBeagles · 07/01/2018 19:36

At work he's very antisocial, he'll be polite and have a good working relationship in the office talking about work. But never goes on Xmas dos or nights out or adds people on social media or interacts in any other way. He's not interested.

Maybe also compounding his current behaviour is he doesn't even have to do that atm as he is contracting and working from the Home Office in the garden.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 07/01/2018 19:38

He’s horrible.

Fishface77 · 07/01/2018 19:38

That was helpful!
Sorry op. He is an adult and knows and is aware of what he’s doing.
Is he controlling in other ways?

BashStreetKid · 07/01/2018 19:40

Can you call him out on it when he is actually doing it? I know it may be awkward in front of other people, but your family would probably accept it and indeed be glad to know you were doing something about it - and it might just have more effect. You could, for instance, have demanded that he stop the call to his mother as soon as he started dialling.

Original poster
MotherOfBeagles · 07/01/2018 19:41

No in every other way he's great, not everyone's cup of tea I'm sure but it's just this social aspect that's always been an issue. He has no problem at all with me going out on my own and actively encourages it (he's bought me and my mum a spa day for Christmas) so it's not a controlling thing to keep me away from people. It's just when he's around them and behaving like this it's a nightmare for me. He couldn't give a fig what people think of his behaviour usually.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 07/01/2018 19:41

Maybe he's depressed or anxious or just seriously introverted? He may feel he is trying by going to events and uses his phone as a crutch.
He could be deliberately being rude in which case why are you with him as he's always behaved like this? From what you've said he obviously has social issues with people he doesn't know extremely well.
It sounds like seeing your family without him will be more enjoyable for both of you.

BashStreetKid · 07/01/2018 19:42

Sorry, I see that his mother called him, not the other way round. Even better - you can ask him to turn his phone off when he gets there.

Original poster
MotherOfBeagles · 07/01/2018 19:42

bash I've tried that and sometimes it works sometimes it makes him worse and today I just didn't have the energy to be arsed with him. Hence why I chose to ignore him. I really do understand I'm probably making it worse but I'm only human and today was just yuck.

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 07/01/2018 19:44

Totally unacceptable- we wouldn't accept a child behaving like that. He needs to grow up. It's pathetic, rude, ill-mannered and disrespectful to you and your family.

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