Should I ask for child to be moved?

[chmchmchm]

Before I start, my instincts here is "no" and that I am being unfair, but want other opinions on what to do.

Going back 5-10 years ago we had an horrific neighbour abuse problem mostly relating to noise. Next door was widowed mother in 60s and son in 30s. Every weekend was disrupted, numerous police visits, drug use, a lifelong noise abatement notice, music equipment confiscated from house etc. etc. My sons were babies at this time.

The guy then left and his mother rented out the property. We then happily went on with our lives. Frequently told friends of what we endured - it was never a secret - and have often wondered if my younger son's attention problems and learning delays were caused by having no sleep and being unsettled from the day he was born. His school and teachers have known what he endured as a baby. These people used to deliberately wake him up and celebrate when they heard him cry. I recall breastfeeding him as a newborn with police in the room monitoring activity.

Fast forward to last September and we find the guy has not only moved back to live in his mother's house, but he has two children the same age, he's starting in the same school and one child has been put in same reception class as my daughter.

We notified the school immediately that these were "the" people. We didn't in a million years expect they'd move back and attend the same school (we live in a large town with dozens of alternatives). For the past three months we've kept our distance, but as I've been going to the school for 7 years, everyone knows who they are before they returned - parents and staff.

I hated the situation, but put up with it. I didn't ask for their child to be moved to a different class as obv. it isn't his fault. Then, just before Christmas the guy followed me home after school drop off, walking an entire road about 2 paces behind me. When we were "alone" he attacked me verbally, shouting and swearing at me that I wasn't to talk about him to anybody. He wouldn't let me past him, physically obstructing me from getting away and chasing me past my gate and into my garden. I pushed him four times to get him away from me - purely on adrenalin that I wasn't going to let him win - even though inside I was pretty much terrified. I told him I would say whatever I wished and there was nothing he could do about it. He threatened his mother (a PT social worker) would make sure my children were taken away from me (?). I phoned the police and he has been given a formal warning. He lied, but thankfully an independent witness came forward.

I decided not to press charges, but now wonder if I've done the right thing. The police have advised to take my phone with me to school every day and ring 999 if he comes anywhere near me, but it's just so impossible at school. I'm scared of walking back from school (other parents have said they'll walk with me) and my stomach churns every time I think of him. Our school has three classes per year group. Should I ask the school to move their child so I at least don't have to deal with them at school assemblies and class parties? It's my daughter's birthday party next month and I don't want to leave this child out, but can't - obviously - invite them. It's a nightmare and I've been ill over Christmas and totally stressed out by it all.

As awful as this situation has been for you and your family, you can’t force them to move the child. His child and your child don’t have any issues-if this child was bullying or being violent towards your child it would be different. Unfortunately that child’s father is an absolute wankpot, but in the eyes of the school they don’t have cause to move him.

Why did you not press charges? He thinks he's got away with it?

In any case how horrible and stressful for you op. Keep a diary and note and report any incidents of harassment! You could always try a non molestation order.

God I’d ask for a move, if what you’ve said is true I’m surprised the school put them in the same class. Ask for a meeting and state why you want a move.

And of course you don’t have to invite the child.

Sounds really difficult but I dont think you should ask for the neighbours child to be moved you should ask for your own child to be moved.

Yes - but you can only reasonably ask school to move YOUR child to a different group. You can’t insist HIS child is moved, no matter how unfair that seems.

sounds bloody awful.

If the school don’t move his child I would have no hesitation in not inviting his child to your DDs party AT ALL. Some may say it’s not his child fault but bugger that for a game of soldiers - you don’t have to put yourself in a postition to have anything to do with him. But yes please do ask for his child to be moved and you really should have pressed charges

You need to press charges.

You can ask but I think it's unlikely that the school will move his child. You could ask for your child to be moved?

Oh and yes, press charges.

How awful OP

Agree with pp though that you cannot request that his child be moved. You could certainly request that your own child is moved though. The school might well reshuffle the classes between academic years anyway. I would ask about that as it might be a good opportunity to separate them.

Sadly I think that requesting a move would antagonise him even more.

What a horrible situation.

You can ask for your own child to be moved.

Don't think school will move an innocent child because their fathers a wankshaft.

Don't invite to the party though. Just be very careful when handing out invitations. The child hasn't done anything wrong and it would be awful if they were ostracised the whole way thorough school because of fathers and grandmothers actions.

And yes, also agree that you should press charges.

Good grief

Frankly if it was me, at this point I'd move my child to another school. There's the whole being a bigger person/going through the right channels/why should I and my child suffer for this twat's actions thing, but realistically dealing with him is going to be a long process, you've already got more stress than you need with him just living there, you may have to deal with next door activities starting up again - the main goal for me would be to cut the contact, stress and impact on my family as much as I could. A transition is a stress, but its a short one that passes, and it will be less stress than ongoing battles and anxiety every day.

I didn't press charges because I felt him only being verbal wasn't "enough" and it was 4 days before Christmas and I'm clearly too soft.

It breaks my heart leaving their little boy out when I'm inviting the whole class. I half hate myself. BUT he can't be there.

It took my little girl weeks and weeks to settle - partly because she is frightened of him. She has now made really good friends and she's happy. I can't move her.

I agree I don't think I can ask for their son to be moved though - the school didn't do the address check when they assigned classes. He hadn't gone to the nursery as moved back a couple of weeks before September start date. They didn't know to pre-check and we hadn't thought to warn them as never in a million years did we think this would happen.

Agree you cant expect his dc to be moved just because his dad is an arsehole. That would probably not be in that particular dc's best interests.

What would be in your dc's best interests? Staying in the same class or moving class? Staying in the same school or moving schools? Make your decision based only on what is best interest for your dc. If that's staying where they are then grin and bear it and hope that if areshole kicks off again at school he will be barred from attending events.

If you don’t want to press charges and yiu don’t want to have your child moved, I think you are going to have to learn to deal with it.

You can't ask for another child to be moved.

It does sound like you have spoken about this a lot. I appreciate it was a nightmare at the time, but to still be telling everyone about it 5 years later?

I think this is where the issue is. The dad is clearly an arsehole but you have bad-mouthed him to anyone who would listen by the sounds of it

I had a seriously abusive next door neighbour who caused all sorts of long lasting issues for my child so we left the house and rented it out. No regrets at all. I couldn’t live next door to that woman.

We were very unhappy with a situation at school. My DC was bullied and we kept thinking it would improve, they would grow out of it, the school would help. It didn't happen, we'd have spells where it was OK and spells where it was intolerable. You can't tell looking ahead, but with hindsight we should have moved him. Could you consider moving her now. Or, and I know it sounds drastic, but moving yourselves. I know that sounds drastic but how ghastly to have this happy time in her life marred by these idiots. She's settled into school - there would be some resettling but not as much. His behaviour is already bad enough for the police to suggest pressing charges. What happens if it gets worse. Cutting your losses now may be hard, but even harder down the line. At worst your child might need to re settle , but that's going to be a lot easier than enduring the panic everytime you walk to school and back.

You definitely can't expect that his child will be moved. I agree that it sounds like you've spoken about this to a huge amount of people.

Which is natural enough of course, but it's very understandable that he's angry now, but his child may be ostracised and given that he's generally an asshat, I'm not surprised he's causing trouble.

I would absolutely press charges though - and stop talking about it or at least naming him to everyone, it'll just enrage him.

Did he touch you? You pushed him and I’d be wary that he’d go after you if you tried to press charges.

You know your sons issues are nothing to do with the man.

You can only ask that your child be moved. It’s horrible for you though

^^ Some awfully structured writing there - that's what happens when I edit a sentence as I go! I'm sure you understood it anyway. And I'd echo the person who said to look into moving yourself. It's not right or fair, but I couldn't stand living next to that.

My school wouldn’t move another child just because you asked. We’d make a note of it for when the classes were shuffled or move your child. Class allocations are a difficult business and involve trying to balance the abilities and needs of lots of different children.

I can understand how you feel about not wanting to invite the child (and having to see the parent at pick up/drop off or even worse the duration) to the party but it would be awful for that little one to be the only one left out. As you’ve rightly pointed out the child has done nothing wrong. Is there an alternative way of handling it? Maybe invite a few close friends to a special day out or invite some of the class and some children from the other classes that your child knows well?

You could also speak to school about the situation and ask them to ensure you are sat apart at assemblies, etc. It is easy enough for the teacher to pop one child at one side of the stage and the other at the other. If thy see the man walking towards you then they can redirect with a ‘Oh, Mr asshat, you’d be better sitting on this side so you can see your little one. Little one will be so sad if they can’t see you!’

*It does sound like you have spoken about this a lot. I appreciate it was a nightmare at the time, but to still be telling everyone about it 5 years later?

I think this is where the issue is. The dad is clearly an arsehole but you have bad-mouthed him to anyone who would listen by the sounds of it*

Lol, there's always one isn't there? This went on for five years. Friends (incl. school staff who are friends) lived through it with me. I have children in three years of the school. I have friend in all seven years. Everyone knew the story BEFORE they returned because my son still has issues - we believe - caused by what he endured from 0-2.

I don't know what sparked the incident before Christmas. Maybe he'd overheard something. Maybe somebody had told him. There is nothing I could have done about to change that given he decided to send his children to a school attended by two children he'd mentally abused.