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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I ask for child to be moved?

115 replies

chmchmchm · 07/01/2018 18:19

Before I start, my instincts here is "no" and that I am being unfair, but want other opinions on what to do.

Going back 5-10 years ago we had an horrific neighbour abuse problem mostly relating to noise. Next door was widowed mother in 60s and son in 30s. Every weekend was disrupted, numerous police visits, drug use, a lifelong noise abatement notice, music equipment confiscated from house etc. etc. My sons were babies at this time.

The guy then left and his mother rented out the property. We then happily went on with our lives. Frequently told friends of what we endured - it was never a secret - and have often wondered if my younger son's attention problems and learning delays were caused by having no sleep and being unsettled from the day he was born. His school and teachers have known what he endured as a baby. These people used to deliberately wake him up and celebrate when they heard him cry. I recall breastfeeding him as a newborn with police in the room monitoring activity.

Fast forward to last September and we find the guy has not only moved back to live in his mother's house, but he has two children the same age, he's starting in the same school and one child has been put in same reception class as my daughter.

We notified the school immediately that these were "the" people. We didn't in a million years expect they'd move back and attend the same school (we live in a large town with dozens of alternatives). For the past three months we've kept our distance, but as I've been going to the school for 7 years, everyone knows who they are before they returned - parents and staff.

I hated the situation, but put up with it. I didn't ask for their child to be moved to a different class as obv. it isn't his fault. Then, just before Christmas the guy followed me home after school drop off, walking an entire road about 2 paces behind me. When we were "alone" he attacked me verbally, shouting and swearing at me that I wasn't to talk about him to anybody. He wouldn't let me past him, physically obstructing me from getting away and chasing me past my gate and into my garden. I pushed him four times to get him away from me - purely on adrenalin that I wasn't going to let him win - even though inside I was pretty much terrified. I told him I would say whatever I wished and there was nothing he could do about it. He threatened his mother (a PT social worker) would make sure my children were taken away from me (?). I phoned the police and he has been given a formal warning. He lied, but thankfully an independent witness came forward.

I decided not to press charges, but now wonder if I've done the right thing. The police have advised to take my phone with me to school every day and ring 999 if he comes anywhere near me, but it's just so impossible at school. I'm scared of walking back from school (other parents have said they'll walk with me) and my stomach churns every time I think of him. Our school has three classes per year group. Should I ask the school to move their child so I at least don't have to deal with them at school assemblies and class parties? It's my daughter's birthday party next month and I don't want to leave this child out, but can't - obviously - invite them. It's a nightmare and I've been ill over Christmas and totally stressed out by it all.

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 07/01/2018 21:22

You should not have put your hands on him and you are lucky he didn’t press charges against you.

Original poster
chmchmchm · 07/01/2018 21:25

@bluedoglead

I haven't told everyone who would listen for the past five years in fact I've barely told anybody for the past five years. I talked about it as it was happening between 10 and 5 years ago, then mentioned it from September.

I've told nobody that they gave my child SN, not least because he doesn't have SN. As mentioned numerous times now, this is what school have said to me - i.e. the people I told in September.

OP posts:
Original poster
chmchmchm · 07/01/2018 21:27

@bluedoglead

lol - again - not according to the police, but thx.

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 07/01/2018 21:27

The school told you when your child was 5 that some parties next door and anti social behaviour when he was still being breast fed 4/5 years ago were the reason he found it hard to settle at school?

Naw. They didn’t do that. Because that is tripe. Completely and utterly. You must’ve misunderstood them.

LotsOfLoveAndSarcasm · 07/01/2018 21:29

I know I'm going against what everyone else said, but I wouldn't leave their boy out. I have neighbours who drink and get absolutely horrible when they're drunk - think violence and abusive behaviour, mainly towards each other but also with others on the street. But their DC are my DC's age, and I invite them to birthdays. They're not in the same class but I invite other children from the street (they all play together) and I would hate to know that I'm causing any kind of pain to little children because of their parents' behaviour. I know they would hurt and just not understand. I get my DC to give the cards to their DC, and I don't talk to their parents in any way. If they don't wish their children to attend, then it's on them to explain why. But they usually do attend. It's very awkward when they're dropped off and picked up. When it's their DC's birthdays, they do the same. Maybe it's different because our DC are 10 and we celebrate at home, so parental communication can be minimal/unnecessary.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/01/2018 21:32

So now you weren't alone during the encounter at all; someone happened to tootle round the corner when only approximately 15% had already taken place and were present for the remainder Hmm
Was this person interviewed by the police?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/01/2018 21:35

Hold on; the school are telling you that your child's difficulties are/were directly attributable to the neighbour's behaviour? Even though he now doesn't display these difficulties any more?

Starlight2345 · 07/01/2018 21:37

if I were in your position I would put the house straight back on the market. however it sounds like you live small town so people will know who is living next door.

notgivingin789 · 07/01/2018 21:40

Even if the school informed you OP, that your neighbours behaviours contributed to your child’s late developments difficulties. It’s utter bullshit.

When someone is in your face, threatening, swearing, being aggressive. My first reaction is not to push them ( that would just antagonise them). My first reaction would be to get the hell out of there !

HuskyMcClusky · 07/01/2018 21:59

The different accounts of your fight don’t add up.

I also thought that in the UK, citizens do not ‘press charges’ against each other.

MrMeSeeks · 07/01/2018 22:26

When someone is in your face, threatening, swearing, being aggressive. My first reaction is not to push them ( that would just antagonise them). My first reaction would be to get the hell out of there
If someone was in my face i'd push them awaytoo Confused

Original poster
chmchmchm · 07/01/2018 22:29

Neither of us were aware of the other person's presence. She is a lollipop lady. I asked my other neighbour if she'd heard anything from that morning. She hadn't - she suggested the lollipop lady would still have been on duty. I hadn't noticed her during the incident and thought we were alone - turns out she had witnessed about 85%. Difficult to describe without going into detail of the road set up.

I may be using the American "press charges" term out of habit. They asked if I wished to take things further re: full investigation and charge. It would have been classed as a public order offence. I have been a witness before. I figured he'd end up with a warning anyway, so a warning plus him knowing I'd "let him off" would hopefully suffice. Police have the threats on record - and the fact he lied when questioned (as backed up by witness), so we're good. My friend - a police officer - said there's usually an escalation of charges. Starts with warning, anything else and they will take it further. Tbh, I think I'm fine with that.

The behaviour last until 2nd DS was two (although he was bf until 2) and he had difficulties at that age relating to settling. It was first pointed out to by his nursery and again by teachers as it lasted quite a long time. Again - as I've said and I've said to the school - there's no way of proving this was the cause and it probably was a mixture of things anyway, but a baby/toddler who can't settle isn't going to benefit from neighbours who persistently and deliberately wake him up.

OP posts:
Original poster
chmchmchm · 07/01/2018 22:34

@notgivingin789 When someone is in your face, threatening, swearing, being aggressive. My first reaction is not to push them ( that would just antagonise them). My first reaction would be to get the hell out of there !

And just how would you propose to do that if they were physically preventing you from getting away by positioning their body in front of you? Jedi powers?

OP posts:
Ketzele · 07/01/2018 22:39

I don't know why people are doubting the OP's version of events. I think her account has been completely consistent and believable.

MrMeSeeks · 07/01/2018 22:45

Ketzele me neither! I'd also tell the school if something at home was affecting my child!

notgivingin789 · 07/01/2018 22:46

Well, clearly you are brave op and Mrme. I have had someone be very close up, aggressive, shouting in my face type of thing and no way would I push them. People like the OP’s neighbour will resort to physical violence. Not a risk I’m prepared to take so yes, I would try to get the hell out of there or shout “STOP”, in hope passerby’s looking on would make the person stop.

notgivingin789 · 07/01/2018 22:47

You would really tell the school after 3 or 5 years Mrme ? Hmm

Original poster
chmchmchm · 07/01/2018 22:50

Ketzele MrMeSeeks

It's all good. It's no reflection on me.

Maybe I could have explained better in places? Quite complicated I suppose.

OP posts:
notgivingin789 · 07/01/2018 22:50

but a baby/toddler who can't settle isn't going to benefit from neighbours who persistently and deliberately wake him up

All I know is that, it would definetly not cause any sort of developmental delay.

Original poster
chmchmchm · 07/01/2018 22:54

@notgivingin789

I shouted at him to get away from me several times. He didn't. He continued to prevent me from moving, walked around me and placed himself in front of me as I tried to get away. That's when I pushed him. The witness saw this - police didn't question it at all. HE was being aggressive, not me. Believe me, you would have been unable to do anything but push him or stand still and take it until he (hopefully) left you alone.

I didn't tell the school after 3/5 years. The school were already aware. As I've said umpteen times, a teacher is one of my best friends. I haven't said she lives close by. She knew from way back. It was reasonable to let them know of the situation so they could keep watch.

OP posts:
chocatoo · 07/01/2018 23:07

I would invite the child, it’s not their fault. Who knows, maybe it will shame them into behaving better.

SimonBridges · 07/01/2018 23:07

If your friend is a teacher at the school which is large enough to have a three form entry it’s quite likely that she has bugger all to do with how reception classes are sorted unless she is on the EYFS team.

GreyMorning · 07/01/2018 23:07

His mother is a social worker, yet the police were involved with her abusing a neighbour and affecting a young child and she still has a job?

Press charges and get a restraining order.

Original poster
chmchmchm · 07/01/2018 23:16

@greymorning

Yes, I know - one of the worst things about it. I wish - back then - I'd have reported her to her employer. I should have persisted even when the council cocked up the paperwork and couldn't proceed.

OP posts:
Original poster
chmchmchm · 07/01/2018 23:18

@simonbridges - she isn't my only friend there, but I wouldn't ask her - or anybody personal to me - to do anything regarding the case anyway.

OP posts:
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