Should I ask for child to be moved?

[chmchmchm]

Before I start, my instincts here is "no" and that I am being unfair, but want other opinions on what to do.

Going back 5-10 years ago we had an horrific neighbour abuse problem mostly relating to noise. Next door was widowed mother in 60s and son in 30s. Every weekend was disrupted, numerous police visits, drug use, a lifelong noise abatement notice, music equipment confiscated from house etc. etc. My sons were babies at this time.

The guy then left and his mother rented out the property. We then happily went on with our lives. Frequently told friends of what we endured - it was never a secret - and have often wondered if my younger son's attention problems and learning delays were caused by having no sleep and being unsettled from the day he was born. His school and teachers have known what he endured as a baby. These people used to deliberately wake him up and celebrate when they heard him cry. I recall breastfeeding him as a newborn with police in the room monitoring activity.

Fast forward to last September and we find the guy has not only moved back to live in his mother's house, but he has two children the same age, he's starting in the same school and one child has been put in same reception class as my daughter.

We notified the school immediately that these were "the" people. We didn't in a million years expect they'd move back and attend the same school (we live in a large town with dozens of alternatives). For the past three months we've kept our distance, but as I've been going to the school for 7 years, everyone knows who they are before they returned - parents and staff.

I hated the situation, but put up with it. I didn't ask for their child to be moved to a different class as obv. it isn't his fault. Then, just before Christmas the guy followed me home after school drop off, walking an entire road about 2 paces behind me. When we were "alone" he attacked me verbally, shouting and swearing at me that I wasn't to talk about him to anybody. He wouldn't let me past him, physically obstructing me from getting away and chasing me past my gate and into my garden. I pushed him four times to get him away from me - purely on adrenalin that I wasn't going to let him win - even though inside I was pretty much terrified. I told him I would say whatever I wished and there was nothing he could do about it. He threatened his mother (a PT social worker) would make sure my children were taken away from me (?). I phoned the police and he has been given a formal warning. He lied, but thankfully an independent witness came forward.

I decided not to press charges, but now wonder if I've done the right thing. The police have advised to take my phone with me to school every day and ring 999 if he comes anywhere near me, but it's just so impossible at school. I'm scared of walking back from school (other parents have said they'll walk with me) and my stomach churns every time I think of him. Our school has three classes per year group. Should I ask the school to move their child so I at least don't have to deal with them at school assemblies and class parties? It's my daughter's birthday party next month and I don't want to leave this child out, but can't - obviously - invite them. It's a nightmare and I've been ill over Christmas and totally stressed out by it all.

To me it sounds like you are the type of person who doesn’t feel the need to keep their troubles private (your choice) but it does sound like you are still traumatised by the whole experience. Have you considered speaking to a professional about it?

Sorry this is happening to you and your family it all sounds very stressful.

I know OP, that the school knew about the neighbours prior. I just don’t think they needed reminded of after how many years ? Especially since the neighbour moved away for a couple of years. Plus, word must of got around as the neighbour definetly heard something by his reaction.

In your neighbours eyes. The issues with this neighbour was a thing of a past, he moved away for a couple of years, moved on, like you’d have (I hope), returned, enrolled he’s DC’s into a school (which happens to be the school where your DC’s attend to and the same class) and now he’a hearing all this gossip about him (and what you experienced with him in the past as your neighbour) being flown around in the school. He would be upset. He may of changed his ways or moved on (you don’t know). But already, his reputation of being a bad neighbour is brought up again and may worry how it effect the way other’s treat he’s DC’s.

Though again, his reaction was not good at all ! If I was him, my first instinct would be to keep a far distance from you. But again, you were right to contact the police. I just hope this neighbour fued cycle doesn’t restart again.

Sounds like a real stressful situation, Chm.

I think the only thing you can do is ask if your dc can move classes for now.

notgivingin789 Sun 07-Jan-18 23:29:12

In your neighbours eyes. The issues with this neighbour was a thing of a past, he moved away for a couple of years, moved on, [ . . . ] and now he’a hearing all this gossip about him (and what you experienced with him in the past as your neighbour) being flown around in the school. He would be upset. He may of changed his ways or moved on (you don’t know). But already, his reputation of being a bad neighbour is brought up again and may worry how it effect the way other’s treat he’s DC’s.

Well, if that was the case, you would have thought that the first thing he'd do would be to hunt out the OP and apologise for his past actions and the effect on her. But it doesn't see like he did that, so I'd be sceptical that he or his family have changed at all. And his aggressive behavioiur towards the OP would indicate that he hasn't.

I think this sounds like an utterly dreadful nightmare.
I have RTFT and understand what has happened and the timeline.
Isn’t it wonderfully helpful when posters comment things like “ move house” - not very easy when you have to declare and neighbour problems. To the people who,told her to move - would YOU be willing to buy a house next to a family like this??
The OP NEVER SAID her son had SN. She said he had difficulty settling to which professionals have commented that the constant problems of being disturbed from sleep as a baby and for the first two years of his life could have contributed to that.
Instead of TELLING the OP that she’s been constantly talking about this and that the professionals didn’t tell her what she hays they did why can’t people just give a bit of support?? And if they don’t do that then don’t comment at all!
Imagine being driven mad by your neighbours antisocial behaviour. Imagine listening to bastards cheering when your tiny baby gets woken up by them. Your baby who needs sleep. Imagine feeling so trapped- you can’t sell so you are stuck there. and then zap forward and imag8ne being castigated and accused of lying when the OP comes onto mumsnet for a bit of support.
So much for year of the fucking woman!!

OP. If I were you I would not ask this child to the party in light of his fathers recent behaviour.
I would ask school to , where possible, keep your children seperate. If the father volunteers for any events I would ask that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES does he have any access or contact with your child. I would put these points in writing.
I would contact SS and advise then that you are being threatened again with interference from this mans mother. Do this in writing.
I would keep a detailed diary and make a note with time and date and any witnesses of every thing he, or anybody associated with him does.
I would also contact the police and ask them if it would be possible to have a non molestation order served on this man
I can’t imagine the stress you have been under and you must have been terrified when he came back.
But you can get through this. The law is on your side and he must have so many black marks against his name. If he does anything again you must press charges though, ok? No being Mrs Nice. Fight fire with fire.

And , to answer your question, no I don’t think you should ask for his child to be moved. Just ask teacher to keep them apart etc and keep asking your daughter what her day has been like. If she isn’t happy then move her to a different class. But it sounds like a pretty big school and I’m sure that since the head is now aware of who this family are that you find your DD in a different class from his son in the not too distant future.
Good luck. I’m sending you a big hug.

Muddling No, I agree. He hasn’t changed judging by his present behaviour. But maybe he has stopped his neighbour nuisance antics. OP hasn’t mentioned any recent nuisance caused by the neighbours as of yet.

A decent person would apologise. But after 5-10 years ? I don’t know. It’s a long time ago. He probably just moved on and realised his mistakes in the past (just hasn’t voice this out to the OP). Some people do just move on and forget. But, understanbly in Op’s case, she couldn’t.

What the OP endured with the neighbour 5-10 years ago, is horrible. But it’s time for the OP to move on (now she can’t because of this recent episode). But when she knew the neighbours DC’s were attending the same school as hers. Maybe it was best to keep her mouth shut then and confide in a close friend “Oh, those neighbours are back”. Only re- tell issues to the school, parents etc if the problem with the neighbour is still persisting. But then again, I personally wouldn’t as I’m a private person. I also think the school wouldn’t be interested in neighbour disputes anyway unless the neighbours child is bullying OP’s kids, suspected abuse, violence. Noise disturbances should be reported to the council, environmental health etc.

Imagine being driven mad by your neighbours antisocial behaviour. Imagine listening to bastards cheering when your tiny baby gets woken up by them. Your baby who needs sleep. Imagine feeling so trapped- you can’t sell so you are stuck there. and then zap forward and imag8ne being castigated and accused of lying when the OP comes onto mumsnet for a bit of support.
So much for year of the fucking woman!!

5-10 years ago ! The kids are now reception age. Yes it was horrible. But for the OP’s sake, she needs to move on now. Not for the benefit of the neighbours but for herself. She would just be stressed out of her mind. I understand the fear of “something happening again” and being on edge. But it’s not healthy to harbour that, you would just go crazy.

notgiving
5-10 years ago is nothing. I’m having psychiatric sessions to help deal with something that happened to me twenty five years ago- should I just take your advice and move on now??? Gosh, what a mug l am. If only I had known it was that easy and I just need to “ move on now” .......

.

Well York you are moving on. You are probably not moving on in the sense which you cannot forget about what ever happened to you or live your life fully because of what happened 25 years ago. But you are having psychiatric sessions to help with this process ?

What is OP’s alternative in this case ? Should see still harbour fear ? Shiver in a corner for the rest of her life in fear of this neighbour ? No, of course not ! She may always fear if nuisances happen again or if the neighbour reverts back into his old ways. But re-notifying the school (who wouldn’t do anything anyway) telling parents etc was a wrong move. She should of course be on her guard in case any issues come crop up again. But a part of her does need to let go what happened 5-10 years ago, I’m sorry.

There’s nothing worse than neighbour disputes and this neighbour sounds particularly nasty, doesn’t sound like he’s changed.

I had issues with my NDN when Ds was a baby. Whenever he cried they’d turn the tv up, bang on the walls and eventually ‘anonymously’ rang SS saying Ds was in distress! It was unbelievably stressful and still now I can remember how awful it was 10 years later.

Maybe it is something OP needs help with but to tell her just to ‘move on’ when the person who caused her immense stress has moved back and not only that, whose dc is attending the same school. All those awful years of living next door to him and the stress she endured must all be flooding back, even more so since he tackled her about it in the street.

This sounds like a bloody awful situation and one most of us just couldn’t ‘move on’ from or ‘sell up’ real life isn’t that easy.

Chm, I would ask for my dc to move classes. At least, for now, you won’t be in a position to be attending the same events, or at least, some of them, assemblies etc

the council cocked up the paperwork and couldn't proceed
Could you expand on this, op?

One thing occurs to me. Why are you inviting the whole class to a party? It simply isn’t necessary. A party should be an invitation to a selection of special friends. No child is friends with every other child in the class.

So reduce your guest list from 30 odd to 15 or thereabouts and that’s one issue resolved.

Any further problems whatsoever from boyo next door and you should be considering a restraining order or similar. Contact between you should be precisely zero.

Iamagreyhound are you really querying the idea that the council cocked up paperwork??

No, I just wondered what the cocked up paperwork prevented.

@yorkshireyummymummy thank you so much for your considered response - I agree with you :D

@iamagreyhoundhearmeroar I have answered this previous. Basically, they were charged with antisocial behaviour and were due in court, but on one of the occasions the council observed them breaking the abatement notice they didn't verify who was actually present in the property and the mother's elderly sister (in her 70s) said it was her playing electric guitar with a pack of friends at 3am. (Yes, I know . . . )