Should I ask for child to be moved?

[chmchmchm]

Before I start, my instincts here is "no" and that I am being unfair, but want other opinions on what to do.

Going back 5-10 years ago we had an horrific neighbour abuse problem mostly relating to noise. Next door was widowed mother in 60s and son in 30s. Every weekend was disrupted, numerous police visits, drug use, a lifelong noise abatement notice, music equipment confiscated from house etc. etc. My sons were babies at this time.

The guy then left and his mother rented out the property. We then happily went on with our lives. Frequently told friends of what we endured - it was never a secret - and have often wondered if my younger son's attention problems and learning delays were caused by having no sleep and being unsettled from the day he was born. His school and teachers have known what he endured as a baby. These people used to deliberately wake him up and celebrate when they heard him cry. I recall breastfeeding him as a newborn with police in the room monitoring activity.

Fast forward to last September and we find the guy has not only moved back to live in his mother's house, but he has two children the same age, he's starting in the same school and one child has been put in same reception class as my daughter.

We notified the school immediately that these were "the" people. We didn't in a million years expect they'd move back and attend the same school (we live in a large town with dozens of alternatives). For the past three months we've kept our distance, but as I've been going to the school for 7 years, everyone knows who they are before they returned - parents and staff.

I hated the situation, but put up with it. I didn't ask for their child to be moved to a different class as obv. it isn't his fault. Then, just before Christmas the guy followed me home after school drop off, walking an entire road about 2 paces behind me. When we were "alone" he attacked me verbally, shouting and swearing at me that I wasn't to talk about him to anybody. He wouldn't let me past him, physically obstructing me from getting away and chasing me past my gate and into my garden. I pushed him four times to get him away from me - purely on adrenalin that I wasn't going to let him win - even though inside I was pretty much terrified. I told him I would say whatever I wished and there was nothing he could do about it. He threatened his mother (a PT social worker) would make sure my children were taken away from me (?). I phoned the police and he has been given a formal warning. He lied, but thankfully an independent witness came forward.

I decided not to press charges, but now wonder if I've done the right thing. The police have advised to take my phone with me to school every day and ring 999 if he comes anywhere near me, but it's just so impossible at school. I'm scared of walking back from school (other parents have said they'll walk with me) and my stomach churns every time I think of him. Our school has three classes per year group. Should I ask the school to move their child so I at least don't have to deal with them at school assemblies and class parties? It's my daughter's birthday party next month and I don't want to leave this child out, but can't - obviously - invite them. It's a nightmare and I've been ill over Christmas and totally stressed out by it all.

That sounds really stressful. I would speak to the school & ask them to move the other child. [Our school let a child move classes because his parents were upset he was "attracted to the badly behaved children" - personally was really surprised they allowed it ] and do take up offers to walk home with people - even if just for a few weeks, hopefully he might get bored. Keeping a diary of anything that happens might be an idea.

Whereisthegin

The example you give is of a child being moved at the request of their own parents, not at the request of another child's parents.

I would be amazed and shocked if a school moved a child because someone else's parents requested it.

Whatever happens, you should consider letting the head/the class teacher/teaching assistant know that this man, although a neighbour and parent of a classmate is not authorised to collect your child from school. no explanation needed.

You say his mother is a social worker? And all this went on, and she was allowed to stay in post? And still is? Have I got that right?

Just another random thought but isn't it funny how many antisocial so and sos have a mum/aunty/gran/friend (always female) who is a social worker, who always conveniently works in not only the exactly right team but also the exact one allocated to your postcode, and will be delighted to drop their case load, abandon all professional principles and legal boundaries, forge a lot of paperwork, presumably mug a judge or two to get it signed, locate foster carers and make the department budget fit, and do all this just to take your kids away if you don't do whatever their relative wants?

With regards the mother - she came within an inch of losing her job. As the home owner she was charged with anti-social behaviour and basically cried/begged the council not to proceed.

Unfortunately, the council had failed to check she was present on one occasion in their paperwork for charging her and she got her elderly sister to say she was in the home instead, so they didn't proceed in charging her. She rented out the property soon after.

She moved away for a time, but then returned and has been working locally (we think) part time in social work. She's a widow, in her mid 60s now so mid 50s when it all started and still parties a lot. She looks good for mid 60s!

@sparklyunicorntractors - yes, although we aren't worried about the "treat", we're wary this man has a history of lying - and has lied to the police. Thankfully his threats are on record - as is him being a liar.

It sounds bad but one. I highly doubt your sons difficulties with attention and learning is to due with the difficulties you were facing with your neighbour. It is highly likely to be genetic.

I do not condone the neighbours behaviour and you were right to call the police about him shouting at you etc. But why did you have to tell everyone, the school, and other people about your previous issues with your neighbour ? You shouldn’t of done that. Sorry. You should of only notified the council, environmental health and close family and friends. When you notified the school about your issues regarding your neighbour , it places a bad reputation on his kids. That was probably why he was angry. The only time I would report about a child , to their school, is if I feel the child is being abused. Honestly, the school wouldn’t care about neighbour disputes.

He was wrong to verbal attack you but you was also wrong to push him. I also wouldn’t punish his children by not inviting them to a birthday party and no way in hell would I ask for his kids to be moved from the school. I understand your comcerns but if you have an issue with his kids being in the same school or class as yours, then move YOUR child.

notgiving have you lived next door to awful awful neighbours? It literally takes over your life and you do find yourself so stressed that you do tend to talk about it to people just to get the stress out. The child is not at fault but there would be no way in hell that my neighbour from hell or their family would be within 3 feet of my child’s birthday party in afraid

@notgivingin789 I was not wrong for talking about my life with my friends - as it was happening, or indeed after.

I've already explained that the school were already aware. One of my best friends teaches there. It was absolutely right to pre-warn them that we had previous issues with this family e.g. if he ended up being a parent helper at any point, then I would not want him near my daughter. As is my absolute right.

The school asked us if we needed his child separated from our's in class and we said no. It is not the child's fault.

@notgivingin789 also - my son no longer has additional needs. He is fine. We could never prove that the abuse he suffered as a baby contributed to his early attention/settling issues, but it has been suggested as possible by those who know him and his particular past difficulties. I have no reason to doubt this - they're professionals, I'm not.

Firstly I have to sympathise with you OP. When my DD1 was a baby we had similar neighbours. It takes over your whole life. I was lucky enough that the ndn were renting. I wrote to the landlord with evidence of their behaviour and some of the damage they were doing to the house (ll was based in America) and he agreed to not renew the tenancy. I appealed to his better nature as a family man and was v lucky that he was willing to evict them. So I completely understand your position and your need to have talked about it. I do t know what u would do in your position but have you considered actually inviting the kid to your DD party? I know it's out there a bit, but could it break the hostilities? You never have to be friends but a white flag for the kids sake. You already didn't press charges, an invite might just bring an end to all of this. It also might be a ridiculous idea but anyhow, it appeals to his parental side. You never know. Hope it works out for you

Stoorie Yes I have. Unfortunately, most people didn’t give a shit as it wasn’t directly them that we’re suffering.

I understand the OP’s struggle. I really do. I fear she’s making herself even more stressed out. I just don’t see the point in discussing neighbour disputes to the child’s school or to everyone. Honestly, people would just nod their heads and say “ Yeah, Yeah, how awful”. But unless it’s directly affecting them, or it’s a very close family or friend. No one would give a shit. As selfish as this sounds, no one wants to hear other people’s problems. It just depresses them.

OP shouldn’t of told everyone about their neighbours troubles, especially since the neighbour moved away for some time and this particular neighbour just seems to flip out. Now this latest incident would just resurface wounds again, causing even more stress.

If the OP doesn’t want to invite the child to the party, to distance herself from the neighbour. Then fine, but hand out invites in a discreet way.

The OP needs to distance herself and move on. Keep on complaining to the council, move her child to a different school, if she can’t face seeing the neighbour.

I think that you need to report it, if only to start the ball rolling if it gets worse.
As for moving the child, I’m sure they will only move your child, not his.

@simonbridges

Yes, I already knew I shouldn't ask to have him moved - just wanted other thoughts.

He has been formally warned and we said - on condition of not pressing charges - he was to keep clear of us.

Thx.

You assaulted him, though. You are lucky he didn’t press charges.

@bluedoglead

Not according to the police, or the independent witness - but thanks.

I was not wrong for talking about my life with my friends - as it was happening, or indeed after.

I didn’t say you shouldn’t of discussed it with your friends. In fact, I even said you should of told a number of professionals including close family and friends.

I’ve already explained that the school were already aware, one of my best friends

So ? If the school already knew beforehand. Why did you need to re- inform them ? Especially since he moved away. I don’t know, all in all, the school do not care about neighbour disputes. Unless the child is being abused etc.

If he ended up being a parent helper, I wouldn’t want him near my DD

Unfortunately, that’s not your call to make. It’s the school. There was this horrid man I used to know, we did not get on at all ! Everyone knew about him as he was horrible to others. He also worked at my DS nursery. I didn’t want him anywhere near my DS. But he was so good with kids and, hating to admit this, was very good with my DS.

So you didn’t push him then?

You said you were alone.

He wouldn't have a leg to stand on given the way he was behaving, Blue.

But he waited til they were alone?

I’m sorry but by telling everyone who would listen for the last 5 years that they gave your son SN you will have lost credibility. Because that’s clearly nonsense and now people will think you have an unjustified vendetta against them. They won’t hear the rest of it, they will hear the claim of giving SN and roll their eyes.

Do you get to decide if someone is charged in this country? I thought the police did it with or without you if they think they have evidence to prosecute.

Sympathies about the neighbours but no school is going to move a kid to a different class unless their parent asks. You could move your daughter instead though if there is more than one class in the year. As for the birthday party, of course you can't invite him and his dad can explain why.

@bluedoglead - he and I thought we were alone when he started, but someone around the corner heard and saw the remaining 85% of what happened.

Yes I pushed him away from me, which was reasonable to do given he was swearing, shouting and threatening me. When someone invades your space, puts there face in your face and places his body infront of yours, preventing you from moving, it's kind of a reflex thing.