To not take a test

[ThinkingQueSeraSera]

I'm in a strange situation (NC'd for obvious reasons but member since 2009). This will be long, sorry.

I think I'm pregnant. Sore boobs, indigestion (not sure if a symptom but never had before), period is about ten days late.

I know who the father is/could be. He's an on/off boyfriend who I have a great relationship/friendship with overall but am not sure I want to be with. He loves me, he's intelligent, kind, solvent, reliable but I'm too independent/happy on my own to put up with his faults day to day anymore so we are in a state of benign limbo.

I am in a good position to support myself if I am. Good job (although starting new one so will be in the shit maternity pay wise) earning £65k, I own my own flat in central London with a close and supportive friend renting my spare room who basically pays the mortgage. I'm 29, not much family but the few I have are supportive, I have wonderful friends although none have kids yet.

All in all I'm very fortunate. I wouldn't consider an abortion, I had one before and while I'm pro-choice another wouldn't be right for me. So, if I am, it'll be fine. I wanted to be married or at least in a stable relationship but life doesn't always work like that and I'm luckier than many people who have a child and are brilliant single parents.

Here's the AIBU. I'm not going to take a test. I don't want to know yet. I don't drink, I've cut out coffee, I'm avoiding shellfish. I just don't want to know yet. What will be will be. If it's apparent I am in about 6/7 weeks' time I'll bite the bullet but for now I have lots on, a holiday coming up (nowhere dangerous), I live a healthy life anyway and there's no question of a termination.

AIBU to just let it slide for a while and not find out until I really have to? Please be gentle, I'm understandably a little fragile

It’s taken over already by the looks of it and the fact you have an active thread on the the internet - and you might not even be pregnant.

So either you are and it needs thinking about (or you wouldn’t have this thread or be discussing a potentially imaginary baby with your roommate), or you aren’t and it’s irrelevant - so one way to find out?

There's some really odd replies here. I can completely understand you not wanting to know for sure quite yet - it's kind of like how I feel about having another baby. I wouldn't try for one, but would welcome an 'accident'. I don't want to make the decision myself. Everyone processes things differently, and if you need some time to preprocess the idea of being pregnant (or not being pregnant) before facing the reality, then I see no problem with that.

I always find it hard to test. For my 3 planned ones and 1 unplanned one. I didn't want to know either way because I have to give up the 'maybe I'm pregnant' if it was negative and if it was positive, my life was about to change massively. So I totally understand the feeling OP.

I don't think you need to do anything much. Bit of folic acid if you could be bothered but many many many babies in the world don't get folic acid and I probably puked up most of mine! People get all life and death about the smallest details when it comes to babies and kids. I think you can take your time to get your head in order to test.

I'm not sure I believed the "laissez-faire" attitude, or the I don't want it to take over.
Any pregnancy takes over your life as a child does, an unplanned one in the circumstances you describe will need a lot of planning.

If you aren't receiving mat pay and are planning on returning to work full time you need to get checking out nurseries ASAP. There is a massive shortage in London. When I had my first 8 years ago most people had reserved places before the baby was born with a view to taking the place up a year later. If you need one that has extended hours, i.e. open passed 6pm you could pay over £1500 a month.

You've got a lot to sort out, stop pretending you don't care either way and take the test.

Op take the test as you are getting more convinced you are. If you are thats great if thats what you want. I have pretty regular cycle and im currently a week late but 100% not pregnant. Just test now. You can still go on holiday and do that stuff.

If I thought like this every time I had sore boobs and a late period, I'd live in constant pregnancy anxiety.

Your choice. Do what you want. But I'm struggling to see why you'd go to the effort of living like a pregnant woman without knowing if you are one. I'd be pretty miffed if I did a test after a few weeks and realized I could've been drinking wine and eating cheese this whole time. Seems a bit pointless when it's already "taken over your life".

On the other hand maybe the point of the post is for us to gush over your apparently spectacular life.

I've never understood accusations of stealth boasting. Why would I - or anyone - be interested in strangers knowing my financial situation? My own family don't know what I earn etc and I NC'd precisely to avoid anyone I know finding out. I find talking about money difficult and vulgar - UNLESS ASKING ADVICE ANONYMOUSLY! I thought it relevant and didn't want to drip feed the situation I may have found myself in.

Very much appreciate all advice, thank you for taking the time. And yes I will feel very silly if this is a false alarm! But I am almost certain that isn't the case.

I'd have to know couldn't cope with it hanging over... anyway re maternity pay depends when you start. If you are starting pronto you should be ok (there's a minimum amount of weeks you have to be with an employer but can't remember what) if you're starting in 3 months then you won't get it from new employer. You'll get SMP but it's minimal.

For the sake of a poundshop test you could just know one way or another. I really don't understand your logic at all.

@Crispbutty it oscillates between feeling happy either way and not wanting to ruin a holiday by thinking of nothing else (likely) and absolute abject fear (today)

But you ARE going to be thinking of nothing else anyway and if it's a false alarm then you will be stressing needlessly.

I agree with crispbutty tbh. It's clearly going to be playing on your mind so why not just find out? I don't really understand the logic. Avoid yoga too. Either way I hope you get the outcome you want. Good luck OP

Don't know why you don't want to test. I'm a stranger on the internet and I want to know!

That's fine, but please start taking folic acid just in case. Won't do any harm. Also, don't know about you but my periods are regular so if I was 2 weeks+ late then I would know I was pregnant and wouldn't need a test except to confirm for when I'm booking in with the midwife. Good luck op and sending congrats if you are :)

Would you not enjoy the holiday more if you knew for sure either way?

Ok:

I've started on folic
Registered with a local GP (haven't needed one for years so didn't register when I bought my flat)
I have a GP appt next Wednesday (need to see one anyway)
So I will test next Tuesday and put out my mind until then.

Plan made.

I admire your reserve OP I can barely make the two week wait without being a wreck! Hope it works out for you :)

Good luck op! I hope it all works out for you.

Good luck either way op, I have a feeling you are strong enough to cope whatever the outcome

OP you can test when you want but am I the only one who thinks it's unfair to the father, if your going to tell him in two three weeks almost fair enough. Yet if DH kept something life changing secret from me for a month without a reason is be rather peeved

I don't see what the fuss is all about. Many women don't even know they are pregnant until a few months in just because they might have irregular periods normally or they had no symptoms.

Test when you feel happy to

@outofmydepth45 ah but he is your husband. I don't know how much involvement I would allow the father to have. He is all the great things I said in my OP, but he's also very into recreational drugs an awful lot of the time and I don't see that changing. Of course, if he were to stop, things would be very different. Right now I see this as my decision and not one I want to either share with or place as a burden on a lovely but tedious man child. Apologies if that offends anyone, I'm being very honest.

@thinking that might change if he learns he is to become a father. Babies do things to people. Good luck.

I don't know how much involvement I would allow the father to have

You realise that's not upto you? You don't get to choose. Courts very rarely withhold access from a parent.

Stop drinking alcohol and smoking (if applicable)!