To not take a test

[ThinkingQueSeraSera]

I'm in a strange situation (NC'd for obvious reasons but member since 2009). This will be long, sorry.

I think I'm pregnant. Sore boobs, indigestion (not sure if a symptom but never had before), period is about ten days late.

I know who the father is/could be. He's an on/off boyfriend who I have a great relationship/friendship with overall but am not sure I want to be with. He loves me, he's intelligent, kind, solvent, reliable but I'm too independent/happy on my own to put up with his faults day to day anymore so we are in a state of benign limbo.

I am in a good position to support myself if I am. Good job (although starting new one so will be in the shit maternity pay wise) earning £65k, I own my own flat in central London with a close and supportive friend renting my spare room who basically pays the mortgage. I'm 29, not much family but the few I have are supportive, I have wonderful friends although none have kids yet.

All in all I'm very fortunate. I wouldn't consider an abortion, I had one before and while I'm pro-choice another wouldn't be right for me. So, if I am, it'll be fine. I wanted to be married or at least in a stable relationship but life doesn't always work like that and I'm luckier than many people who have a child and are brilliant single parents.

Here's the AIBU. I'm not going to take a test. I don't want to know yet. I don't drink, I've cut out coffee, I'm avoiding shellfish. I just don't want to know yet. What will be will be. If it's apparent I am in about 6/7 weeks' time I'll bite the bullet but for now I have lots on, a holiday coming up (nowhere dangerous), I live a healthy life anyway and there's no question of a termination.

AIBU to just let it slide for a while and not find out until I really have to? Please be gentle, I'm understandably a little fragile

What would your room mate think about sharing the house with a crying baby? Can you still afford everything if the room mate moves out and you can't get another?

I personally don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to know for definite. But of course it’s your choice. You sound in a good place life wise, you don’t need a man. Especially not in limbo x

Start taking folic acid now and just note date of missed period. You don't really need to tell anyone or test.

Also, ultimately, by choosing to be in denial you are denying the father of the child the right to get used to the fact that he will have a child out there in the world, somewhere. It seems a very desperate and skewed measure by you to control something that is already pretty much out of your hands. You could, of course, face up to it and regain control in that way. That would mean facing some potentially uncomfortable realities. But you know that anyway.

Just one thing. If you'd want to test for such things as Down Syndrome, there's a very small window of opportunity to do this via scan / blood test (I'm not sure if the exact window, but Google will tell you). If if were you - and wanted the tests - I'd find out the window and test at least 2 weeks' before the end of it to allow time for a scan to be arranged for you.

Otherwise, it's entirely up to you. I wish I'd been more laid back about testing sometimes (10DPO positives both times!).

Good luck!

Good luck. If you want to just see what happens, why not? It worked for cenutires before all the tests (but I agree about folic acid.)

Off topic but I'm intrigued by someone who describes themselves as really laissez-faire in life but is earning £65k in their 20s. So impressive.

Medical insurance doesn't cover maternity! Not usually, anyway.
If a problem were discovered in screening would you terminate or continue anyway? If you would terminate for a serious complication, then consider not leaving testing too long, or that may not be an option.
No issue if you would carry on regardless, but you have less time to get used to the idea.
Hope it all works out for you.

OP is most certainly not laissez-faire, in fact quite the opposite. But by thinking they are being so they can continue to detach themselves from the reality of the situation.

@lookingforthecorkscrew I've already said I wouldn't consider a termination - there's no 'too late' about it. I just don't want this to take over everything already.

To poster who said about my job despite my LA attitude - I've just been very fortunate and opportunities have popped up.

Re flat mate: yes, I can afford it if he moves out. He's the only person I've told aside my best friend so he has time to process the possibility. If he moves out that's his call, I would probably want his room anyway.

All very good points well made about Downs tests. Very good point. I'll do some more research because that's a big one.

Why have you been on Mumsnet since 2009?

@lookingforthecorkscrew you seem to have some very strong feelings about my situation. I don't know why and it's not my place to ask. Regarding the father, he will know if and when he needs to. My body, my choice.

So laissez faire that you need to ask the internet if it's ok to do 🤔

Good luck whatever happens x

Because I was pregnant back then and ultimately had a termination (mentioned in my OP). I started reading and got a tad hooked. There are many people without DCs on this site.

Best of luck to you OP. There are far too many cynics on here. But take care of yourself and enjoy the not-knowing for a while.

What a weird question greyhound.

Good luck op. I always know when I'm pregnant and test to confirm between 5-7 weeks, whenever I feel ready. There is no major rush.
However, might be worth discussing your suspicions with a close friend or family member. I was rushed into hospital with early pregnancy complications, rare but could happen. It is worth letting someone know just in case you are in the situation where you can't speak for yourself.
I'll watch this thread for an update x

Private health insurance rarely covers anything to do with pregnancy and as others have said there is an important scan at 12 weeks. Hate to say it but you know a lot of women miscarry in the first trimester? You might find it difficult if you start bleeding and don't know for sure whether you're pregnant.

Being a single mum is hard, working a full time (presumably stressful) job, having a mortgage to pay with little family around to help, makes it all so much harder. Things need organising, its kinda hard to 'wing it' with a baby!! Personally the sooner I knew and more plans I could make (decent nurseries have waiting lists etc etc), the more comfortable and confident I would feel. Obv completly your choice though.

Your body, your baby - you do what you feel is best for you . I was very ambivalent about testing tbh, thought it caused far more anxiety in the long run and went with the bare minimum for my last 2 babies. We have little input other than keeping ourselves as healthy as possible and avoiding unnecessary risks. The rest is down to Mother Nature in my opinion.

You don't sound fragile at all. Maybe in denial and a bit immature as you feel you are but don't want it confirmed. Nothing will change the situation as you either are or you aren't but knowing will make things better.

Just poas and then you know where you're at. You're not being oh so chilled about it all, your trying to delay having to be responsible. I get it, I really do, but there's (potentially) not just you to consider. If you have no intention to terminate then you owe that child the best start you can give it. Yes babies manage just fine without 12 week scans and over-cautious dietary restriction (my eldest did) but you really don't have a good reason to avoid ante-natal care. Unless you admit that actually you're just bricking it. There's no shame in thinking "omfg" even if you are an independent woman with a comfortable salary. Either way it's your choice.

Don’t forget to check your insurance @op to see if it covers maternity. I was initially a bit surprised to find mine didn’t, though nhs was brilliant anyway.

Nah, if you're cool with it either way, just enjoy the ride. As another poster said, take the folic acid just in case but do take a proper test after your holiday because the sooner you start proper medical care the better.

It’s slightly odd, but I don’t see the problem.

4 weeks doesn’t make much difference so long as you take folic acid.

I’d have thought I’d you are 6-7 weeks you would have morning sickness and the bone crushing tiredness by now though which would all but confirm it anyway.

Sorry, that was a bit off. Just don't be in denial at the expense of your well being.