To not take a test

[ThinkingQueSeraSera]

I'm in a strange situation (NC'd for obvious reasons but member since 2009). This will be long, sorry.

I think I'm pregnant. Sore boobs, indigestion (not sure if a symptom but never had before), period is about ten days late.

I know who the father is/could be. He's an on/off boyfriend who I have a great relationship/friendship with overall but am not sure I want to be with. He loves me, he's intelligent, kind, solvent, reliable but I'm too independent/happy on my own to put up with his faults day to day anymore so we are in a state of benign limbo.

I am in a good position to support myself if I am. Good job (although starting new one so will be in the shit maternity pay wise) earning £65k, I own my own flat in central London with a close and supportive friend renting my spare room who basically pays the mortgage. I'm 29, not much family but the few I have are supportive, I have wonderful friends although none have kids yet.

All in all I'm very fortunate. I wouldn't consider an abortion, I had one before and while I'm pro-choice another wouldn't be right for me. So, if I am, it'll be fine. I wanted to be married or at least in a stable relationship but life doesn't always work like that and I'm luckier than many people who have a child and are brilliant single parents.

Here's the AIBU. I'm not going to take a test. I don't want to know yet. I don't drink, I've cut out coffee, I'm avoiding shellfish. I just don't want to know yet. What will be will be. If it's apparent I am in about 6/7 weeks' time I'll bite the bullet but for now I have lots on, a holiday coming up (nowhere dangerous), I live a healthy life anyway and there's no question of a termination.

AIBU to just let it slide for a while and not find out until I really have to? Please be gentle, I'm understandably a little fragile

I know who the father is/could be.

Who else could it be?

@astrid

I think she meant she knows who the father would be if she is in fact pregnant.

Of course yanbu!
The only thing I'd say is that you might want to take a test to rule out not being pregnant. Sounds like you really want this. I wouldn't want you to be disappointed.

Also meant to say re private medical care, mine didnt cover maternity either. And if you are thinking of having a child in a private hospital, it costs a fortune. You are lucky in that you have a decent salary, but if you are pregnant you have some potentially large expenses ahead of you - which again Id feel happier planning but Im definitely not que sera sera

Oh of course TDMIADR sorry, I've been doing that all day on here, misunderstanding things.

I never took a pregnancy test with my third child. I knew the drill and knew I was pregnant. Just rang midwife and turned up for a scan at 13 weeks. She's 5 now. No reason why I didn't ever take a test - I just had a 2 and 4 year old and was busy!

OP I think it is fine to wait, if that is what you want to do.

I do feel that "my body, my choice" is not the whole picture when it comes to pregnancy, and the father should really know what is going on, especially because he is someone with whom you have a real friendship/ relationship.

I always feel uncomfortable when people say "my body, my choice" about a pregnancy, because although pregnancy is amazing and important at the time--- compared to having a child, it is very short and insignificant moment in your life, and in the life of your potential child.

@AstridWhite only one chap! I meant he is or he could be depending

@Anniethinggose I'm verging between really wanting it and really not. That's the thing, I just don't know and nothing I do will change the end result.

You don’t want to make the decision to keep it when it’s a real tangible thing, so it’s easier for you to make up your mind about a concept. You yourself say you veer between wanting it and not wanting it but if ‘it’ isn’t a reality yet then you can avoid the responsibility of dealing with it.

Of course it’s fine to do whatever you want to do (although you might want to ask yourself if it really is because you’re laid back or if it’s because you’re trying to avoid the issue)

You need folic acid ASAP and you need to take them. You also need vitamin D supplements, which is the recommendation now.
You need to read up on what to avoid food wise because shellfish is absolutely fine.
You need to know how important that 12 week scan is and the screening tests that can only take place in a very tiny window. It’s not necessarily down to whether you’d have a termination if something was wrong but more being prepared and armed with knowledge if there is something wrong. Having said that plenty of people opt out of screening.
If anything, knowing as early as possible means you get in the system as quickly as possible. The more you know, the more options you have.
You need to check your medical insurance because maternity cover is a rare occurance sadly and you may need to make decisions about how you’re going to manage the pregnancy without it.

Good luck

You've had some good advice, but I wanted to say if you did miss the window for the NHS combined test for Down's then you could choose to pay for NIPT/harmony test, which AFAIK doesn't have an upper limit.

Other than that, I second the folic acid and have a read of the NHS choices info on pregnancy (foods to avoid, things you may want to think about) and just wait and see. Plenty of women don't find out they are pregnant right away, and some don't access care until later (for whatever reason).

Take the folic acid anyway and enjoy the mystery, I think I am a little envious!!

Will you come back to let us know what's what in a few weeks?

10-14 weeks for the screening test. If you miss that, theres another blood test (not as in depth but) you can have in weeks 14-20. So either way you'd have a little while depending how far you are along. I hope you are happy.

@lookingforthecorkscrew stop trying to psychoanalyse me, I've been very clear about my intentions and thoughts.

Folic acid from tomorrow. Will update when my elusive period appears or in 8 months a few weeks when I find out for sure.

It's quite often not covered.

Started on folic as per advice. Thanks again

Good luck @op! Don’t forget to check your insurance too and foods to avoid.

You've said "I'm really laissez faire with everything". But you've also said "I just don't want this to take over everything already". It sounds to me like you wouldn't LET pregnancy take over everything already - so a test would do nothing except provide you with information that you can use to take appropriate actions (like booking scan). Not really seeing a downside.

If you feel that you WOULD allow it to take over everything if you knew for sure, then fair enough, but that's not the impression I'm getting from you!

I’d want to know because I’d want to have screening tests done for Down’s etc, but I’d like that’s not a concern, and I see your taking folic acid, good for you! It’s a wild lottery anyway often and I don’t blame you for being laissez faire about life. I’ve found the people I know that find it (life) hardest are ones that have planned everything and have become inflexible.

You might just need to pay for a private 12-13 week scan, as it will be too late to schedule an NHS one (at least in my area it would). I would make sure my this dating scan and the accompanying tests are done at the right time, otherwise i'd say fine to wait. Take Folic Acid in the meantime though.

Feeling anxious today. Going to head to yoga and do a bit of meditation after work. Just need to breathe.

I fear it would take over if I knew. I'm not ready for that.

I think being pregnant does take over your life a bit , I don't see how it can't. Same as having children , they definitely take over your life . Good luck with whatever happens Op.

Has it not already taken over with the wondering though, OP?

It’s too late it has taken over.

Not knowing is way worse than knowing in my opinion. Right now you’re just in limbo. That’s torturous.

For me anyway, I like to be in control.

indeed Creme, the only thing that has taken over my life even more than being pregnant was actually having a child. Hasn't stopped yet (6 years and counting).