not to dumb myself down for dating?

[Namila]

I have been using OLD for a little over a year, although I am not too serious about it so I dip in and out of the apps. During this year I went on several dates and I generally felt like it was relatively easy to find guys who were interested, both online and offline.

My OLD profile says: "Creative by day, red wine enthusiast by night. I like Japanese literature, swing music and secret gardens. I lived in several foreign countries and I am currently based in London."

Yesterday night I went out with this man, who was a well-educated professional with a PhD and quite a bit older than me. He repeated several times "as a friendly advice" that I needed to dumb down my OLD profile as apparently it is too intimidating for men. He says it sounds like I am too smart and that does not encourage men to approach me on OLD

After meeting me in real life, he said that it is too clear that don't need a man and that I have a happy and complete life on my own and that is apparently unattractive. I have a cool career I am passionate about and I travel quite a bit he thinks there is no space in my life for a man.

WTF? Is this 1953 or what?

I am genuinely confused by these comments. I thought the opposite was true, that being happy and fulfilled was generally attractive.

AIBU to refuse to present myself both online and in real life as dumber and and with a dull life so men like this guy feel better?

But surely you wouldn't have passed each other by, as neither of you went to university, Fairy?

@Fairylea given neither of you went to uni you’d be pretty silly to be filtering for people who did!

I would filter by income if I was OLD. Zero interest in being with someone with a very different income.

You sound great! He is a first class arsehole. Please do not let this nasty man get in your head - he is simply an entitled misogynist.

Learning/ education and inquisitiveness is something to be proud of and any man (or woman) who doesn't respect this in you (or anyone else) will be only be insecure and jealous and make you miserable.

Obviously you know YANBU so keep on being your great and intersting self!

Fluffy yeah I see what you mean but what I meant was that it would be sad if someone who had a degree decided they didn’t want to get to know someone like dh or I because of our backgrounds, when actually we could be of a very similar intellectual level (if academia relates to intelligence - that’s another thread altogether!)

Why on earth would anyone filter by “parents not divorced”? Mine are. T makes absolutely no difference to my life at all.

In my experience men who have not had a strong male role model in their life do not learn from example how to treat a woman respectfully. Not all of course, but if you don't experience loving behaviour between parents on a daily basis it can result in emotionally stilted men. Also there isn't the modelling of parenting where two parents work as a team so they are more likely to see childcare as wife-work. I know some marriages are like that but just in my experience men from broken homes have been like this. Then there is the mother - if darling Johnny has been her only reason for living then any future partner may not be received well...

I'm not saying all men are like this but I have met way to many that are. All (few) of my long term relationships have been with men who's parents are still together.

Happy to report that I received 9 messages and a bunch of likes during my first 4 hours on Soulmates so I assume my profile must be okay

This reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City where Miranda says "how is it I'm a successful lawyer, have my own home and my shit together yet I'm unapproachable, yet Steve (the man she was just breaking up with) is a bartender who is sleeping on my couch yet he's a catch!?"

That program was so ahead of its time!

If we're talking grammar, who says "a friendly advice", assuming that he was a native English speaker?! This guy is far too inadequate for you, OP. Hope you do better with The Guardian! I've heard good things.

There will still be arseholes on Guardian soulmates, just more liberal, left wing ones but arseholes nonetheless.

Flipping, your logic is flawed. How does marriage or parents being together change the type of parent? Someone's father could be a raging misogynist and a very strong male influence- but be married to the mum. That fact alone doesn't mean he is a really good, positive role model.
What about unhappily married parents who resent each other, making the whole family unit suffer, but won't get a divorce because they misguidedly believe 'its best for the children'?
I'm a single mother to two boys- and a feminist, raising men to not only respect women, but reject archaic stereotypes.
Good luck to you in your search, though.

Annie - I didn't say in my opinion, I said in my experience. Nothing to do with logic

flippingfoal well I feel that I'm free to raise my son in a completely egalitarian way, unlike some of my married friends. My son asks me to teach him to knit, I teach him to knit. I don't have to contend with a 'benignly sexist' Dad subtly dissuading this activity. I talk to my son about men and their entitlement and privilege and I feel free to do this in a way that I'd feel self-conscious to do if there were a man there. If there were a man there, I'd no doubt be made to feel that because it's not ''all men'' I was being unreasonable to raise it. My son, with no male role model (unless I count my father, my brother, and in fact, his father although his father doesn't live with us) is going to be a young man who sees things from a woman's point of view as well. I think it will have done him the world of good, not harm

Sadly this is true.... had to change my profile from Surgeon to Medical professional and immediately got more interest but you can't lie when they meet you!

I've been told I'm "brave" to even think about listing the fact I have 3 degrees (separate disciplines, 1 undergrad and 2 postgrad). When I took out the degrees and listed myself as working for the NHS (I'm an analyst), I got a bunch of messages from men with bedbath fantasies, "So, your a nurse?"

My profile now reads similar to yours OP, except I say I'm a sensible IT professional by day and a creative at all other times.

I've experienced my fair share of negging and can spot it a mile off now. The biggest misogynist I ever dated was a PhD with raging BO who proclaimed himself to be a feminist.

I'm going into my 5th year of being single, but I'm so done with compromising to please others. Don't dumb yourself down - any man you get this way just won't be worth it.

And my son is being raised to believe in gender equality and feminism. We had major issues when his DF was still on the scene - refusing to let a two year old have a doll, disliking DS' love of choosing my accessories, shoes and bags etc. He'd balk now if he knew DS attended art classes instead of football, and makes a wicked Victoria sponge. But DS can also programme computers and robots, and build just about anything out of Lego. And what's important is that he knows that all of these things are ok for him to enjoy. Before his DF fucked off he was full of self doubt and questioning his gender (yes, at 6!). He ultimate wish is to have a nice job and a kind, clever wife and to be a better Dad than his was - so much for strong male role models.

I don't think it's necessary to list degrees though, is it? It's a dating profile not a CV.

Just say you are educated to masters / postgrad level or whatever. That is sufficient.

Secret gardenssorry going against the grain but your profile does scream "you're not good enough for me!" Doesn't mean that bloke was right but yeah if I was reading that I'd think "pretentious!"

Someone else liking something you're not interested in doesn't make them pretentious. .
The whole point of a written profile is to get an idea of whether you're compatible beyond liking the picture. If the hobbies and interests don't suit, you've saved yourselves an awkward once-off date.
The secret gardens bit would probably sell it for me tbh. I'd go on a date based on that. 😁

But ultimately telling someone to dumb it down means they assuming you're willing to have a relationship with someone who wouldn't like you for who you really are and would expect you to change, simply because you're desperate to fill a relationship slot with someone.

For me, I'm happy with my life and interests, and anyone I'd date long term would add value to my life rather than completing it. And that's the kind of person I'd want to date too.

Op there is nothing wrong with your profile.
The man you dated was a dick.

I thought 'secret gardens' was code for something! I don't actually know what they are!

Do not dumb down your profile. You sound like an interesting person. I think that you need to keep meeting people in your every day life and via OLD. You never know who you will bump into, I think that you just need a bit more time. He was not the right person for you.

I don't think it's necessary to list degrees though, is it? It's a dating profile not a CV.

I do it to weed out the guys that can't handle it. I can't tell you the number of dates I've had (or even people in general) who are uncomfortable with people with psychology degrees. "Oh no, you're probably reading my mind right now!" Well, no actually, I was enjoying our conversation for what it is!

I'd rather weed them out before going through the date and liking them then getting the inevitable, "Sorry, but I feel like you'd be analysing me all the time." text.

you'd be analysing me all the time

You definitely don't want to date them if they think a psychology degree makes you a psychiatrist or therapist or analyst or Frasier.

If a man is intimidated by intelligence and just wants a dumb trophy girlfriend, then you are better off avoiding him.