not to dumb myself down for dating?

[Namila]

I have been using OLD for a little over a year, although I am not too serious about it so I dip in and out of the apps. During this year I went on several dates and I generally felt like it was relatively easy to find guys who were interested, both online and offline.

My OLD profile says: "Creative by day, red wine enthusiast by night. I like Japanese literature, swing music and secret gardens. I lived in several foreign countries and I am currently based in London."

Yesterday night I went out with this man, who was a well-educated professional with a PhD and quite a bit older than me. He repeated several times "as a friendly advice" that I needed to dumb down my OLD profile as apparently it is too intimidating for men. He says it sounds like I am too smart and that does not encourage men to approach me on OLD

After meeting me in real life, he said that it is too clear that don't need a man and that I have a happy and complete life on my own and that is apparently unattractive. I have a cool career I am passionate about and I travel quite a bit he thinks there is no space in my life for a man.

WTF? Is this 1953 or what?

I am genuinely confused by these comments. I thought the opposite was true, that being happy and fulfilled was generally attractive.

AIBU to refuse to present myself both online and in real life as dumber and and with a dull life so men like this guy feel better?

Helpful contribution Ali - feeling better for it?

Oh, FFS!

No, of course you shouldn't dumb yourself down - who wants a partner so insecure that he can't deal with a woman who's got her own life and does her own thinking?

Unfortunately, there's a certain type of man out there who actually does think that way. I've run into a few myself. Most notably, there was this one 'serious political radical' who'd spend all day ranting about women's rights and bragging about what a feminist and what an intellectual he was. Then, one day, he says to me 'I really want to fuck you, but I could never be with a woman who dissects my opinions the way you do - So, you up for something casual?' I'm not opposed to casual sex on principle, but I most certainly wasn't up for that. Especially not from someone I didn't even remotely fancy.

OP, consider yourself lucky: you don't appeal to arseholes. I think that's rather a blessing!

I completely agree but I have a slightly different view point....

My humble view is that people like to see how they can add to a significant others life. See where they can slot in and vice versa.

For example someone who's quiet might appreciate someone who's loud and vice versa. To compliment each other.

I think he was saying, he doesn't know how he can compliment your life.

Never dumb down your profile.

If you haven't already....

I'd add something, saying, what your looking for. I.e Someone to share your adventures with etc

One man I dated briefly, he was very honest, bordering on blunt but that's another story and in the end I did appreciate his honesty but he couldn't spell words like rapport, census, hypocrisy.. he just tripped up occasionally. I read his messages with my internal jury still out. It turned out that he was raised in a Gaelteacht area and spoke that language to his parents and was heavily involved in groups to keep the language alive on a day to day basis. If I'd dismissed him because he couldn't spell words taken from various foreign languages incorporated in to what was his second language, then I think I would have been misreading his profile and incorrectly deducing that he lacked intelligence. I overlook a few spelling mistakes now if the conversation is lively and I feel there is genuine engagement going on .

I know what you mean wheely

I suppose now I have my life in order. But I lack freedom. So I want somebody who can make the life I'm leading here in this rooted place more enriching. That is not going to be a man who is living off the memories of his last holiday or planning his next.

Uuurgh - he sounds like a patronising knob.

Don't dumb down your profile. It probably is a slightly intimidating sounding, and certainly puts you in a rather niche bracke,t but so what? Anyone who answers that can't claim they didn't know what to expect.

By being truthful about who you are, hopefully you won't waste too much time on men who are going to end up being intimidated by you, are not on your intellectual equals and not on your wavelength in terms of interests and lifestyle.

Btw following the advice of a PP I just joined the Guardian Soulmate. Let's see if it works better for me!

PS: To sign up I used exactly the same profile I shared with you in my OP, just corrected the error!

Even Kady Heron from Mean Girls learned that you should always be yourself and never dumb down when it comes to men and she was only 17! so I think it's funny that the net result of that man's comments are that you have smartened up your profile!

Good luck! Also good plan using the exact same description :o

People can stop wanging on about the allegedly missing comma in the list - I like an Oxford comma but it's a matter of preferred style not of correctness.

People can stop wanging on about the allegedly missing comma in the list - I like an Oxford comma but it's a matter of preferred style not of correctness.

I think the Oxford comma is more useful than people give it credit for - avoids ambiguity...

Quoting someone else

"there are occasions on which it's required, as to leave it out can result in confusion. Here's a joke to illustrate why. With the Oxford Comma: “We invited the dogs, William, and Harry.” Without the Oxford Comma: “We invited the dogs, William and Harry.” In the first version, it's clear that we're talking about. In the second version, however, the lack of Oxford comma makes it sound as though the dogs’ names are William and Harry. Another popular internet explanation of the Oxford comma highlights the difference between asking for “eggs, toast, and orange juice” and “eggs, toast and orange juice” – the latter making it sound as though you want your orange juice on the toast. Better not leave that Oxford comma out after all!"

Haha what an absolute arse!

I'd be half tempted to ramp up the display of intelligence / independence on my profile to put off tossers like him!

Did you see the link that I put on the words Oxford Comma? :o

I like it and prefer it and use it but anyone claiming that the lack of it is "an error" is being a bit of a wanker.

I think it's a shame people would filter by education, career etc.

Never dumb down, but also to dismiss those without a certain background is very shortsighted.

I have a good education and career yet the most amazing summer I spent was with the only man I've met OLD. Immigrant, low level job, no education. But beautiful, funny, interesting and knowledgable.

Never dumb down, but don't narrow either!

Never dumb down, but don't narrow either!

Blooming heck - I wouldn't have time to filter through all the matches if I didn't, never mind actually try and go on dates... I filter on education, salary (ALL past partners have had issues with me being a high earner), non-smoker, no drugs, parents not divorced. That's about it. I don't filter on height, weight or looks but things that can influence core values I do.

Nah, bollocks! He's just used to feeling like the clever one. Isn't working too well for him is it?!

No way, tell him to jog on and do not dumb yourself down for any man. If they can't handle you - that's their issue not yours and he isn't the man for you!!

Cheeky twat!

How would 'parents not divorced' have anything to do with a potential partner???? Mine are, his aren't and we are just dandy thanks. If he'd refused to date me because my parents married the wrong people, I'd be a bit

I filter on education, salary (ALL past partners have had issues with me being a high earner), non-smoker, no drugs, parents not divorced.

Why on earth would anyone filter by “parents not divorced”? Mine are. T makes absolutely no difference to my life at all.

Why on earth would anyone filter by “parents not divorced”?

Because you can?
I'm judged because my parents never married, so that means I don't fully embrace committment because it wasn't role modelled to me - a man on one of the paid old sites actually told me this!

Because you can?

That doesn’t answer my question-why would you?

It has no bearing on anything at all.

You must know that's nonsensical, why use the same silly reasoning yourself?

I included an example in my reply.

I agree it's ridiculous, but people make assumptions about your beliefs towards marriage based upon your parents marital state.

OLD is ridiculously hard work!

Dh and I met on plenty of fish. We’ve been together nearly 8 years now.

I would never filter people based on education or career. I think life is mainly a dance of luck. Some have more luck than others however hard you work, sometimes circumstances just make things impossible. It’s good to have an open mind.

Dh and I are both “could have” gone to university types. I chose not to go because I chose to spend those years caring for my Gran through terminal bowel cancer - she lived at home with me and was like a mum to me. I then met my now ex dh during that time and had dd (now a teen) and never went to university. But I could have done- I was accepted into 5 including ucl and king college and got 3 A’s for A levels. Dh is pretty much the same but he had severe depression as a teenager and couldn’t face university so went into work instead. He now has a very good career. If either of us was filtering the other based on education / having a degree etc we would have both passed each other by.

I think having the same views on things in the world and sharing the same values and same sense of humour is far more important that anything else.

I had visions of your date being like that Harry Enfield character who's says repeatedly- you don't want to do that, in that whiny patronising voice.