not to dumb myself down for dating?

[Namila]

I have been using OLD for a little over a year, although I am not too serious about it so I dip in and out of the apps. During this year I went on several dates and I generally felt like it was relatively easy to find guys who were interested, both online and offline.

My OLD profile says: "Creative by day, red wine enthusiast by night. I like Japanese literature, swing music and secret gardens. I lived in several foreign countries and I am currently based in London."

Yesterday night I went out with this man, who was a well-educated professional with a PhD and quite a bit older than me. He repeated several times "as a friendly advice" that I needed to dumb down my OLD profile as apparently it is too intimidating for men. He says it sounds like I am too smart and that does not encourage men to approach me on OLD

After meeting me in real life, he said that it is too clear that don't need a man and that I have a happy and complete life on my own and that is apparently unattractive. I have a cool career I am passionate about and I travel quite a bit he thinks there is no space in my life for a man.

WTF? Is this 1953 or what?

I am genuinely confused by these comments. I thought the opposite was true, that being happy and fulfilled was generally attractive.

AIBU to refuse to present myself both online and in real life as dumber and and with a dull life so men like this guy feel better?

I went on an online date with someone quite similar but who then topped it off by saying " it can put lots of men off but for me, it's a nice change to be on a date with someone intelligent. Normally I just date hot girls."
(The obvious implication being I didn't fall into the hot girl category)
He seemed surprised when I turned a second date down.

Can we please note that this guy who thought my profile was so off-putting, actually "super liked" me when we matched on Tinder

Haven’t RTFT but if you’ve cut and pasted directly there’s a glaring grammatical error in your profile. So I wouldn’t worry about dumbing it down...

Mojo

What a tosser!!

Ali I am not a native English speaker so my English is far from perfect. What is the error? So I can correct it

Ha!

Having done OLD, I can assure you that the errors (there are two, IMO, both quite minor) in the OP's profile are very, very, very tiny compared to most of what's out there. I would assume they were either slips or the sign of someone who wasn't a massive pedant.

OP I think you should keep your profile as it is as it's clearly a good filter
best of luck

I'm guessing Ali means it should be I have or I've lived in...
I didn't even notice it to be fair.
Put your claws away ali

What does 'Old' stand for. tried Google but no results on this topic

TheMadd it stands for OnLine Dating!

FGS don't dumb yourself down or pretend - you'll just attract all the wrong people. I was once given this advice too (not OLD, it didn't exist then), but to widen my dating pool and be more open minded. So, to that end, I went on a date with a scaffolder who asked me out having seen me at the gym. It was an utter disaster. We had absolutely NOTHING in common. He had left Britain once in his life to go to Spain on a package holiday with his nan. His life revolved around the same group of mates he'd had since school (which he'd left at 15). IMO it's better to attract fewer people, but have some chance of having stuff in common. I know nothing about Japanese literature, but I'd be interested to date someone who did - and anyone else who is well-educated and has an inquiring mind would, I'm sure, feel the same. There is no point trying to attract all the people who will turn up their noses or think you're some posh cow.

"Creative by day, red wine enthusiast by night. I like Japanese literature, swing music and secret gardens. I lived in several foreign countries and I am currently based in London."

I can't see two errors in this!

Namila Sat 06-Jan-18 13:24:43
TheMadd it stands for OnLine Dating!

thanks

AKA quality over quantity!

I think your profile is fine and you just met an arsehole negger. When I updated my tinder to actually reflect me properly and start looking for a partner I listed my more niche likes, still had no problem getting replies from people who actually wanted a date and had a really diverse spread of careers etc. People who liked ME didn't judge my job or degree etc.

Someone mentioned Guardian Soulmates and I had to chuckle. Paying dating aps seem to be marginally better but before I met DH about a decade ago, I was on there and it was an eye opener. At first glance, it was full of sensitive, touchy feely men ticking all the right boxes. But just sniff and scratch the surface and the misogynist bullshit stinks to high heaven. The vast majority expected their potential partner to be younger by a fair few years, up to at maximum being the same age as them. I had a very funny and unusual profile and was initially pleased to find my inbox flooded. But crikey, there were quite a few negging messages trying to take me down a peg or ten for daring to be attractive, creative and funny. Some messages more or less stated that men are not attracted to women that are brighter and funnier than themselves and this was off putting in a profile, despite it attracting so many responses. Ironically, one of these negging dude cited his profession, as comedy script writer and he favoured/contacted me. His own profile was about as funny as Ebola. I replied that I would be happy to trade dating tips with him, in exchange for me giving him some comedy pointers. His flouncing repartee was rather dull too. No flair whatsoever. Oh, and I had the patronising older dude contact me too. He looked like a 60s beatnik jazz goat complete with ubiquitous roll neck sweater. His profile stated that he was 18 years older than me and well out of the age range I stipulated (mentally though, I added another decade judging by his appearance). I politely replied that he was a bit too old for me and got a scathing response about being ageist and too feisty. He was looking for a partner to be at least 15 years younger than him! Recently, a friend joined the same site and showed me some of the potential suitors. Some of the same dudes were still on there, except Jazz Goat. He probably trotted off this mortal coil by now!

I can’t see the shocking errors either! What are they?

I think it should read ''I have lived'' not I lived.

But who knows. I'm Irish and I have learnt that very occasionally some things that sound right to the Irish ear sound wrong to the British ear and vice versa

@AliP That's a bit patronising!

OP the error isn't glaringly obvious at all, but I think it should be "I have lived" rather than "I lived".

tEMPTress of waikiki I agree, I briefly paid for membership and found that the older men just had more entitlement to a much younger date because they had PAID. That's not very touchy feely is it!? I agree completely that although their political affiliations, dress, level of education, accent, hobbies etc may tick first round boxes, three to seven dates in and you're realising that their level of entitlement and/or delusion wrt their worth is staggering!

Whilst simultaneously lacking the self-awareness to understand that a mature adult enters in to a sexual relationship understand that there will be feelings involved, and being mindful of that, these idiots lacked that simple basic ability to join up the most basic line up of dots.

Having a PhD means you know a lot about a narrow subject and have spent hours trying to have an original thought even if that thought is bollocks, I worked in higher education for years.

I just asked DH who has a PHD, he said too interesting for mere mortals. But not to dumb it down and be true to yourself but accept you will fish in a smaller pond. I would have to admit to being in to military history, especially battle tactics, again smaller pond. But seeing as I have gone on holidays where I visit battlefields and military museums it's not like I can pretend it isn't a big part of my life.

How many books of the genre have your read? Read anything else?

OP this is an anecdote about a ridiculous doughnut of a man you once went on a date with. Nothing more.

This is not anything to make you question yourself or your behaviour! You can’t let gits like this knock you off balance?!

Oh and anyone criticising your grammar on here is exposing their own insecurities.

If the wrong tense and a missing comma is the first thing someone notices about a dating profile, they probably are a tad too anal…

Personally, I like the profile. It’s sassy and interesting. I’d assume you’re a brazen lush. But again, all good.

oh god we don't have the armchair pedants do we?

OLD is full of weirdos. Ignore and move to the next one - don’t take anything personally.