not to dumb myself down for dating?

[Namila]

I have been using OLD for a little over a year, although I am not too serious about it so I dip in and out of the apps. During this year I went on several dates and I generally felt like it was relatively easy to find guys who were interested, both online and offline.

My OLD profile says: "Creative by day, red wine enthusiast by night. I like Japanese literature, swing music and secret gardens. I lived in several foreign countries and I am currently based in London."

Yesterday night I went out with this man, who was a well-educated professional with a PhD and quite a bit older than me. He repeated several times "as a friendly advice" that I needed to dumb down my OLD profile as apparently it is too intimidating for men. He says it sounds like I am too smart and that does not encourage men to approach me on OLD

After meeting me in real life, he said that it is too clear that don't need a man and that I have a happy and complete life on my own and that is apparently unattractive. I have a cool career I am passionate about and I travel quite a bit he thinks there is no space in my life for a man.

WTF? Is this 1953 or what?

I am genuinely confused by these comments. I thought the opposite was true, that being happy and fulfilled was generally attractive.

AIBU to refuse to present myself both online and in real life as dumber and and with a dull life so men like this guy feel better?

he said that it is too clear that don't need a man and that I have a happy and complete life on my own and that is apparently unattractive

He repeated several times "as a friendly advice" that I needed to dumb down my OLD profile as apparently it is too intimidating for men

The example he used to describe why apparently I am tol independent is that earlier that night I ordered our drinks myself

Well he seems incredibly wise and highly gifted at social interaction. It's amazing he's still single.

Seriously OP? I'm not sure why you would lend any weight to his opinion, or think he is representative of what men are looking for- unless you are looking to exclusively date weirdos.

Ignore your date and MrTrebus. Men thinking that are not the right person for you, so keepi it the same means you’ll meet the ones at your level of respect who are more than happy for you to order your own drink. They are just strange. Maybe try elite singles or eharmony?
Your bio sounds fine. Change it and you’ll have dates that you won’t want to see again and waste your time

your profile does scream "you're not good enough for me!

If any man thinks that, he should obviously move on to find someone whose profile he likes. Not have a date with OP and spend his time patronising her about how she should play the little woman.

You should be yourself, lying or changing to suit a partner never works.

Some men are used to relationships where they are the alpha and don't want to change. Others will want an equal. Likewise some women are independent whilst others want to be treated like a princess and kept.

Being yourself will mean you find somebody similar.

I don't think it's the dumbing down as much as the connotations with wine enthusiast and foreign literature.

I bemused by the assumption that he simply wants to control you. I'd be put off someone with what sounds like pretentious hobbies or interests. The things you said you enjoy don't need a large amount of intelligence, do they? Unless you taught yourself Japanese, I guess.

How do you know about his PhD? Having that on a profile besides LinkdIn is equally off putting.

I’m currently with my 3 brothers and BIL. All are university educated, 3 are single and one is married. Age range is 32-42.

I read out your profile and asked, not knowing anything else about the person but that, would they contact you (obviously a hypothetical question for the married one!)

Interestingly, all four said you sound fascinating and the Japanese literature (for one of them) and secret garden (for the other three) would have them curious to know more about you and how you came to have that interest. But they did say that ultimately the collection of interests you state are all quite niche, and as they don’t share them, they would scroll on to someone else.

Just thought I would conduct an experiment - make of that what you will.

For the record, I don’t think you should ‘dumb’ yourself down.....but no one asks the high jumper to jump the highest bar on the first try. Maybe, as a poster suggested above, consider toning down your profile to make sure you are getting people through to you....you can always raise the bar on the dates themselves.

I agree with the poster who suggested signing up with the Guardian on Times OLD. It's a lovely profile and that man was a twat.

or, nor on

Me too, I'd enjoy a drink with the op and would find the profile attractive.

The guy is insecure with issues, would be a nightmare to go out with and at least you found out on the first date. Block delete.

He's a tosser.

TBH, I just think profiles are hard to write. I would always give someone the benefit of the doubt if I thought they were a little bit pretentious or a little bit daft - or whatever - because it's not easy, is it?! Personally I would think 'creative by day' sounds a little strange, but that's only because I don't really know what it means. The other things I would think sounded nice and interesting, and I'd probably want to chat to you.

A couple of years ago I did online dating in Cambridge. It was fucking hilarious how many people seemed to imagine - in a city dominated by its two large universities - that their PhDs made them exciting and impressive.

I'd imagine that "creative by day" means your dayjob is doing something creative, but you don't want to be more specific right now.

I am not into Japanese literature, but I don't get the impression that the OP only wants to date others who are. I do want to date people who read books in general, they don't have to be the same books that I read, so it works for me.

YANBU. The fact that he likes to feel superior to his dates is his problem, not yours. Find an equal, not an emotionally stunted dickhead.

I dumbed myself down on OD for years. I would never have got a date otherwise.

What I found was that it comes down to a combination of intelligence, appearance and class. I'm working class, wear lots of make up, false eyelashes, fake tan etc, but I also have a professional job, degree and a few fairly niche/ geeky interests.

The juxtaposition between how I look and my intelligence is something only a tiny number of men can cope with. I learnt this long before OD.

In thd OD world unfortunately any profile which displays niche interests and/ or some level of intelligence is often threatening to men. The person I know who had the most 'success' with OD (lots of dates, never ghosted, no dick pics, several LT relationships eventually marrying one of them) is a friend who is fairly average looking, dresses in quite a mumsy way, and on her profle described herself as a homebird, that she watches all the soaps, and listed various other tv she liked, plus films, reading women's magazines and so on. Whereas others who talked about their job, or more cerebral interests, got far fewer and less positive responses

I did find the one in the end. Mainly because I messaged him first. He actually likes how clever I am, which is a first

I'd personally rather not have a date than have a date with someone who is going to be intimidated by me having a PhD, or being interested in a particular genre of books, or whatever.

I am single. (I like being single)

If you strongly want to be not-single, you may wish to take a less hardline approach, but then you accept that you may be making a compromise regarding who you will be with, in order to be with someone.

Yes trills "creative" refers to my day job indeed.

I think your profile sounds interesting. Surely the whole point of a profile is to represent who you are so why would you change?

I also agree that he was negging - don't let it work on you. It's a way to make someone feel bad about themselves and so seek approval from the negger.

The example he used to describe why apparently I am too independent is that earlier that night I ordered our drinks myself

That would be the point at which I asked him to confirm whether we were indeed, as I had been happily assuming, in the 21st century.

Sounds like he was negging. If he's like that on the first date, how will he be like in a relationship.

I've done online dating for a couple of years before I met my DP and I would say the general class of men on the site I used was low. So I think it's understandable that they would be intimidated as they believe they will not be able to match up to you and won't be good enough for you. I got lots of responses to my profile but most was filth and men looking for sex. If I ever messaged a man first I would normally get a message back asking if I was a fake profile using fake pictures. I can't say this without sounding big headed but I am good looking, and I think that put some people off. Even my DP says he thought I was a fake profile when I messaged him back.

Ooh yes, dumb yourself down - grab yourself a prize like him!

Tell him thanks for an educational evening - it's shown you exactly why it's better to be true to who you are and wait for someone that matches you rather than settle for someone dumber.

Ah yes, because there's nothing quite as attractive in a man as insecurity and low standards.
Yanbu.

I messaged a man in his early 50s (I'm 47) and he whined about the fake profiles and posters who had a sick mother, needed a loan, etc. He sounded quite angry. But there are obviously thousands of genuine women on OLD but this very ordinary looking 53 year old was messaging women half his age and then later giving out to a genuine woman that women were all fake and after his money. I didn't continue the conversation. Some men don't deserve a connection, what they want is to buy a hot woman but even then, they won't pay much.

This guy sounds like a grade A arsehole and was most likely negging you (google it)

I think your profile sounds great!
I read it aloud to my boyfriend and his best friend (both are lovely men!) they thought you sounded really interesting!
The best friend is single so if you are in London and in your 20s/early 30s and fancy a date with a handsome PHD grad let me know!

Why would you give that clap trap any head space? Move on.

"The example he used to describe why apparently I am too independent is that earlier that night I ordered our drinks myself

That would be the point at which I asked him to confirm whether we were indeed, as I had been happily assuming, in the 21st century."

Annie that made laugh out loud