not to dumb myself down for dating?

[Namila]

I have been using OLD for a little over a year, although I am not too serious about it so I dip in and out of the apps. During this year I went on several dates and I generally felt like it was relatively easy to find guys who were interested, both online and offline.

My OLD profile says: "Creative by day, red wine enthusiast by night. I like Japanese literature, swing music and secret gardens. I lived in several foreign countries and I am currently based in London."

Yesterday night I went out with this man, who was a well-educated professional with a PhD and quite a bit older than me. He repeated several times "as a friendly advice" that I needed to dumb down my OLD profile as apparently it is too intimidating for men. He says it sounds like I am too smart and that does not encourage men to approach me on OLD

After meeting me in real life, he said that it is too clear that don't need a man and that I have a happy and complete life on my own and that is apparently unattractive. I have a cool career I am passionate about and I travel quite a bit he thinks there is no space in my life for a man.

WTF? Is this 1953 or what?

I am genuinely confused by these comments. I thought the opposite was true, that being happy and fulfilled was generally attractive.

AIBU to refuse to present myself both online and in real life as dumber and and with a dull life so men like this guy feel better?

Irene I am honestly starting to despair about dating apps. I have been using (albeit very inconsistently) Tinder, Bumble and Coffee Meets Bagel.

Bumble does not work at all for me because I am never bothered enough to start a conversation myself so I match with people and then leave it there. Tinder works better but some of the men there are seriously sleazy types. Cofee Meets Bagel is probably the best of the bunch in my experience.

He sounds like a monumental bellend. You sound pretty fabulous. I would keep your profile and hold out for a man who is worthy of you.

Neeeext!

So if you have to dumb down your profile, as men won't like you, then why is he asking you on a second date. What a wanker!

I always think it's such a shame you're not allowed to leave reviews of your dates after the event - Trip Advisor for the dating world - so that dicks like this can be outed for other women to avoid 😂😂

Oh dear, someone (despite their PhD) was feeling a leeeetle bit insecure last night methinks 😁

I suspect he's attracted to you but afraid you'd be too independent-minded, so he's trying to bend you to the template that has you meekly accepting loads of mansplaining and generally bending to his will for fear of losing his wonderfulness.

I know this may sound snobby, but I think you'd do better with the Guardian and Times dating pages.

Sadly it sounds like your profile is not enough to put off idiots like this man! I think you had a lucky escape. I can't believe that this fool thinks that he should give you advice on a first date (if ever!). It sounds like he thinks you should be 'looking up to him and stroking his ego'. I think that there is no space in your life for a man like him!

I think your profile sounds great, I would think you sound like an interesting person.

What a twat.

Leave your profile as it is. Frankly I think if it is putting off men that are scared off by independent, successful women then it's doing you a favour! That way you only get contacted by the men who are actually worth your time going on a date with.

The example he used to describe why apparently I am tol independent is that earlier that night I ordered our drinks myself (after asking him what he wanted to drink) instead of letting him do that. But I was closer to the bar and it was crowded, so I just thought it was convenient, I did not inted to offend his masculinity!!

Sounds to me like he was trying to take you down a peg or two, and was probably intimidated by you. I'm glad it doesn't sound like you were particularly taken with him. I agree it sounds like negging as screaming said. I hate it when arseholes like this get under your skin 😠
There are some men who like a strong women, and some who don't. One who does would never say things like that to you.

Oh god! I promise you not everyone is like this. I know people criticise POF but at least you can filter by education. I know there are many people out there who are very intelligent who don't have degrees but I've found it far too difficult to filter out the knobs! By selecting postgraduate or PHD only I know that I will be dating someone with shared experiences, rather than someone who rolls their eyes at the mere mention of further education.

Secret gardens sorry going against the grain but your profile does scream "you're not good enough for me!" Doesn't mean that bloke was right but yeah if I was reading that I'd think "pretentious!" Then move on. You don't need to 'dumb down' but I'd probably tone down. Just my opinion!

EltonJohn and Screaming have got it right.

Imagine all the mansplaining you will avoid by not having any further dates with Mr stuffed shirt.

no you don't need to 'dumb down', he needs to 'smart up'..:)

wow, men with Phds! I'm sure there are men without big egos. Your date wasn't one of them. My problem dating is that at first I fell for all these men who weren't worthy of me. They dumped me anyway. Now, whenever I go on a date the man bores me, or the date, a version of a date I've had 25 times now just bores me. Need to shake things up somehow.

I went out with a man with a phd in the infancy of my OLD days and he had no emotional intelligence at all, misread all my signals, misread all of everybody else's signals, but then, and this was the clincher, sneered a bit too visibly when I said that I was as clever as my brother.

(He hadn't met my brother but knew what qualifications he had and what job he holds. I persisted and explained that when I 'argued' with my brother it was an opportunity to debate using skills he neither recognized nor understood. My brother and phd man ould be more inclined to instantly label anybody who disagreed with them as ignorant. End. Of. Debate. 'I'm surrounded by imbeciles. It's so tedious for me'. YOu know that type right?? They are the type who are simultaneously attracted to women who are less intelligent than themselves. Who's judging that? They are. Argh!

You don’t have an intelligence problem, what you have is a spent-a-boring-night-with-a-wanker problem.

Some people like to be the smartest person in the room, he obviously felt a bit threatened. Time to block and delete.

Never change yourself for a man, you will never hold up the pretence for ever. Much as you wouldn’t like a man who pretended to be something he wasnt. 5 years down the line, you both feel conned.

no you don't need to 'dumb down', he needs to 'smart up'

^This

OP, may be worth considering one of the subscription sites which specialise in interests, professions etc? A friend of mine met her current long term partner through eHarmony but had some really bad experiences with the free /cheap apps. Her non scientific view was that people willing to pay a monthly fee were more likely to be seriously looking for a relationship rather than a quick date.

She used the kind of sites listed here:
www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/sex-and-relationships/best-online-dating-sites-126425

That's called negging, so he can piss off.

He revealed himself to be an arse early on, didn't he? Ignore his pompous comments about you. He isn´t worth a moment´s consideration.

Travel does not make somebody interesting. I'm so bored with men telling me how they love travelling. I'd have so much more fascination and attraction to a man who had built a rich life for himself in my city. I don't want a man who can't be happy in his actual life unless he is planning his next skiing trip or trekking hike.

I'm a single parent to teens who I won't be able to leave alone for a good while so when I read ''I love travelling'' I process that as he'll continue to go on holiday with his friends and I'll continue to feel I've nobody to spend my rare child-free time alone. So the whole I travel, I travel, I travel, yes I do that so many people are so keen to plaster all over their profile, it can put off people you might enjoy meeting!

I was reading that I'd think "pretentious!" Then move on.

In which case you are not the right person for the OP.

I like that profile and think the OP sounds interesting, and like someone I would enjoy having a drink with.

You've said you don't want to start the conversation, but one of the benefits of Bumble is that the men who are on there are men who have chosen to be on an app where the woman makes the first move. So they should (in theory) not be intimidated by a woman who is SO independent that she orders drinks at a bar.

I do hope you're not bothering going on a second date with him, OP.
What is this "negging" of which some of you speak? Is it a sort of low-key gas-lighting? Or plain misogyny?

When I started dating my dh he said he loved that I'm independent, had interests and had travelled on my own. He'd have hated to date someone who "needed a man", it puts pressure on a relationship from the beginning!

If you're not happy on your own, it's unlikely a relationship will make a difference. Set your sights higher.