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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not go back to work after maternity leave

101 replies

zigzagbetty · 04/01/2018 14:54

My maternity leave is coming to an end in February and I just can't face going back to work. I am the main breadwinner but we have been managing on my dh's wages while I've been on the unpaid part of my leave. He says he will support me whatever happens but I keep feeling guilty and a bit scared about him being the only wage earner.
Ive been in my job for 20 years and would like a change in career and cant see how I can go back to the fast paced, stressful environment at the moment. I know though I'm unlikely to earn the same wage in a new role. I'm just conflicted. First post please be kind!

OP posts:

Argeles · 04/01/2018 14:58

Don’t go back!

Staying at home is the best thing I’ve ever done.

I’m sure you could always do some kind of working from home, part time work, seasonal work to help financially if necessary. Do you have items you can sell online to give you a little boost at key times throughout the year? Can you make any products and sell these online?

It’s difficult financially, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Argeles · 04/01/2018 15:00

Also, could your DH do any extra hours? Not ideal I know, but if you really needed some extra cash and it was possible, I’m sure he’d do it.

winterwonderlandy · 04/01/2018 15:01

I would suggest going back (would they accommodate part time hours?) and if you find you don't like it, then think about handing in your notice.

I absolutely dreaded going back to work after maternity leave, didn't want to go back and spent many an evening crying about it to my DH. But once I was back a week or so, I realised that I was enjoying it, and loved the balance that working 3 days a week gave me. And if you've made friends who are also off on mat leave, it will be different being off work when you don't have them to socialise with (if they go back to work).

Of course not everyone goes back to work, and many people love being a sahm, but from my experience I'd at least give work a go and then make your decision.

Argeles · 04/01/2018 15:03

Me again!

You mentioned a possible career change, and that you probably wouldn’t earn the same as in your current role, but if you’ve been managing on just your DH’s salary, then you wouldn’t need to earn as much as you do now.

If I were you, do not go back to work. See how things go, and any money you earn in any field after that will be a bonus. Good luck.

OhHolyJesus · 04/01/2018 15:07

What Argeles said
Love being SAHM and we can afford it - but if you go back PT and see how it goes you can always resign later.
I would check what Mat leave £ you would have to pay back if you were paid over SMP before deciding as here might be a clause in there about working for a certain period after your return. Just check the details out and see what childcare you might need to pay for if you went PT.
I couldn't face it either and i felt incredibly free when I resigned even though I had to pay back £4K!
Good luck OP x

chocorosco · 04/01/2018 15:11

Look into how much you may need to payback first. Are you a teacher?
I returned to teaching part-time after mat leave and found even that a little too much so I resigned after a year and got a part-time job doing something different. I earn less, but I have the balance right.

MistressPage · 04/01/2018 15:13

Don't do it!

I never went back, best decision of my life. I thought I would have to, because everyone does know, it was such a relief when I realised I could give it up and stay with my boy.

I think it's sort of expected now, it's become the norm for mothers to get back to work and put their babies in childcare, which is great for the mums who have careers they care about and more power to them.

But it's also important to acknowledge that staying at home to raise your kids is a valuable and important contribution and a great choice for those that want to do it.

I adore spending my days with my boy so highly recommend it if you can manage. We both drive old bangers and don't holiday abroad but we love our life

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 04/01/2018 15:13

Could your u ask for an extension on your leave? Give you extra time to decide and trial living on one wage for a big longer?

BeyondThePage · 04/01/2018 15:13

I regret not going back in a diminished role - I gave up work, became a SAHM and have never got back to anything like my wage and personal satisfaction of 20 years ago.

LookingForwardToChristmas · 04/01/2018 15:17

Could you apply for parental leave to give you another four weeks to think things through? Also, did you get an enhanced maternity package that you would need to pay back?

Kitsharrington · 04/01/2018 15:18

I wouldn’t base your plans on your experience of maternity leave. Maternity leave is like living in a bubble that is in some ways so special because it is finite. Being a SAHM is going to feel different. So I’d go back to work at least to begin with and see how it goes. It’s very hard to get back in once you leave the workforce.

paperandpaint · 04/01/2018 15:20

I’m going back next week after 9 months off work and don’t want to. My school is letting me go back very PT and I have to go back for a term but after that we’ll see. Nearly every penny I make will be spent on childcare. I’ve worked part time and full time whilst being a mum but find the constant balancing act exhausting. I’m thinking of setting up a tutoring business so I can’t stay at home with DS. I’m 44 so this is definitely my last little one and personally, I want to be at home with him!

Helbelle75 · 04/01/2018 15:21

I'm in exactly the same position. I'm a teacher and the main earner, but can't go back. I love being at home with our dd and I know how stressful I find my job. I want to make the most of every second whilst she's little.
We can't quite manage on dh's salary, so I intend to do some freelance work. I don't care if we live on bread and jam, I love being a mum.

Original poster

zigzagbetty · 04/01/2018 15:23

Thanks for all your replies!
Ive been told unofficially that part time is a no go in my role but I need to have a meeting with my line manager to hear the official line. Work in private sector retail, middle management and dont have any maternity to pay back.
Ive kept in touch with my colleagues and know that the work situation is not good at the moment (unrealistic targets and very understaffed)
I was thinking of asking for a career break at the end of leave, does anyone have any experience of this?
I might look into selling things for some income, I did this before we got married as we bought things at wholesale and sold the extras.

OP posts:

DailyMaileatmyshit · 04/01/2018 15:24

I didn't want to go back but now I am I love it and can't imagine being a sahm.

Did you get occupational mat pay? If you did you'll have to return for a bit or be forced to pay back the extra you received.

Why not try it for 3 months and see how you get on?

Snausage · 04/01/2018 15:27

I agree with Kitsharrington. I returned to my old job after maternity leave. The job and workplace had become a horrible place to be in, but I am still glad I went back. I resigned and found a new job which I love, but I found that it took a lot of time and heartache finding a new job. I wouldn't change it and stay at home now, though; returning to work full time has been hard but I feel like myself again!

nocampinghere · 04/01/2018 15:29

If you tell them you're not going back stay open to any suggestions they may have - eg a 2 year sabbatical / PT / project based work / freelance etc. It's good to keep your hand in if you can, don't burn bridges etc.. (Wish someone told me that 10 years ago - before you know it they're in secondary school and it's hard )

rachrach2 · 04/01/2018 15:32

I'd say try it for a few weeks and see - I dreaded going back the first time but actually enjoy both the change of working (I only do three days) and the money as we'd really struggle with my husband's salary only. You can always leave if you really dislike it but harder to go back.

newmomma9 · 04/01/2018 15:33

I'm in a similar position OP. I was freelancing in a career that I've fallen out of love with, so didn't have a 'proper' job to go back to and being a SAHM seemed the perfect solution. That said, DS is turning 1 next week and I do miss earning my own money/being in the workplace.

I'm trying to set up a little business in a new field, it will take time to get back to previous salary levels BUT since we can just about manage on DH's salary, that's ok. Anything I earn we're treating as a bonus. So find something you enjoy doing, do it part time initially, and by the time your DC starts school you might be in a position to take it full time.

sundayfeeling · 04/01/2018 15:34

I know it must sound like a lovely prospect right now to stay at home but please think about your future. Just go and have a look at the relationship board - so many women ending up in a situation where they are alone with no career or income. I'm not saying it will happen to you but nobody ever thinks that.
Also, I think it's not fair to let one person be the main breadwinner for a long period of time. What if your DH lost his job?
And also, yes you are a mum but you are also you. Don't forget that.

LambMadras · 04/01/2018 15:39

I'm a SAHM. I couldn't imagine going back to work and shoving my kids into childcare if I didn't have to.
They are only young for such a short time so be at home where they need you. This is the most important job you'll ever have.
Plenty of time to return to work in a few years.
Loads of companies now have schemes supporting women in their return to work so in 10 or so years this will be the norm.

IcingSausage · 04/01/2018 15:41

It’s really hard to base a decision like this on the experiences of randomers on the internet

You’ve had a lot of ‘do it! Best decision I ever made’ replies, which is great for those posters, but to chuck my two-penneth in, I never went back to work after mat leave and I regret it hugely (and I thought I’d love being a SAHM). It’s completely personal and unique to your situation.

It’s a shame there’s no option for returning part-time, I’ve always seen that as the holy grail of compromises.

I agree with a pp, maybe try returning on a trial basis to enable you to make a fully informed decision, based on your own actual experiences, a couple of months down the line?

SunnyNights · 04/01/2018 15:41

I would try it and see how it goes. I dreaded going back after each of mine but very quickly enjoyed it again. Now my children are at school I am very glad I didn't stay home, as I would have had to start again in terms of work. I have retained a career and personal satisfaction of what I do inside and outside the home which is fulfilling for me.

I work part time though so not sure if this is an option for you.

GU24Mum · 04/01/2018 15:42

Why don't you go back and give it a go but knowing that you've told yourself you can resign after X weeks/months if you still feel the same. That way you can see how it pans out. Mat leave can be fun with lots of people around but when lots of them go back, it can feel a bit less fun and more lonely than you might think - or might be amazing!

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 04/01/2018 15:43

I'd go back and then re-evaluate after 6 weeks - it's normal to be scared and unhappy about going back to work, but a lot of women find they love it again once they've got into the swing of things. You'd be crazy to throw away a career based on first-day wobbles.

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