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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not go back to work after maternity leave

101 replies

zigzagbetty · 04/01/2018 14:54

My maternity leave is coming to an end in February and I just can't face going back to work. I am the main breadwinner but we have been managing on my dh's wages while I've been on the unpaid part of my leave. He says he will support me whatever happens but I keep feeling guilty and a bit scared about him being the only wage earner.
Ive been in my job for 20 years and would like a change in career and cant see how I can go back to the fast paced, stressful environment at the moment. I know though I'm unlikely to earn the same wage in a new role. I'm just conflicted. First post please be kind!

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 04/01/2018 17:08

*An adult being the only earner and just about making it will soon get resentful of the other.

This isn't necessarily true. I see a lot if this on Mumsnet, a lot of women urging other women to never trust a man to support them, presumably due to bad experiences. It makes me a bit sad because it's such a bleak view and because I know so many decent, good, hardworking men who look after their wives and children.

My husband for one is proud to support me and our son as the sole breadwinner and doesn't resent me as some sort of freeloader, but rather, appreciates the contribution I make in raising our child.*

Nothing to do with a bad experience, a quick search on MN will show posts of resentment, control and how women are left with nothing after a split.

For me, it's not about having a bleak view. It's about pride, partnerships and a measure of protection. If DH falls ill or loses his job, I can still maintain the household. We share everything, the financial side, parenting and house stuff.

I'd hate to be reliant on a man for my every need when I'm very capable of working. I don't need someone else to buy my food, heat, tampax etc as have my own earnings, likewise I can treat DH or buy him gifts and pay rather than him actually paying from his salary. I don't want my DD to think she can opt out of working simply because she was born female.

One income means all the eggs in one basket and usually means no security if things go wrong.

blueshoes · 04/01/2018 17:09

Tatiana, if you are part of a parenting couple, it is fine to be a sole breadwinner if the sole breadwinner is completely on board with the idea, as you and your DH are. The fact that you both take turns means it is fair.

It is unfair if one parent does not work and the other parent is not entirely aufait with that decision but has to go along anyway paying lip service. Resentments start to build along with the fear that it all goes to pot if he/she loses their job and they don't have the option of quitting.

Sunneeded · 04/01/2018 17:14

I went back 3 days a week when dd was 1. I didn't want to, I thought I wanted to be a Sahm but I am so glad I did. I realised in the 1st week that it was going to benefit us all hugely. I was happier, I loved my 4 days with my dd, she goes to Creche 2 days and her granny's 1 day, I know we are very lucky. My little one loves Creche and her Granny's house. It was the best decision for us.

I also love hearing my lo when she is playing with her dolls, 'Mammy is going to work, you have fun with her friends'.

You should try and do something that gets you out of the house for a while and gives you independence, it is a great example to your lo.

blueshoes · 04/01/2018 17:18

Yellow :For me, it's not about having a bleak view. It's about pride, partnerships and a measure of protection. If DH falls ill or loses his job, I can still maintain the household. We share everything, the financial side, parenting and house stuff.

I totally agree with this. I think of our dual income household as a dual engine plane. If one engine fails, the other takes over and flies until it gets to a safe landing. The family is secure, the children's future assured and I am in an equal partnership with my dh.

If my dh treats me or the dcs badly (he does not), I can whip the dcs away in an instant. It is as much for the protection of my dcs as it is for the good of the family.

MistressPage · 04/01/2018 17:19

Yellowmakesnesmile you make some decent points but we all have to pick what's most important to us. For me, the most important thing was not putting my baby into childcare, and looking after him myself. For me, that outweighed any financial losses and the upkeep of my career, and I am fortunate enough that while DH is not a high earner he is a stable one and utterly trustworthy. And we have a decent life and savings etc.
We all make our own choice and all are valid.
I'm happy to have our financial eggs in one basket in order to invest the time in looking after my child in what, for me, is the ideal set-up. I appreciate it's not everyone's ideal and some prioritise their career. There is nothing wrong with that if that's your bag.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 04/01/2018 17:19

An adult being the only earner and just about making it will soon get resentful of the other.

In the early years of our marriage I was the sole earner, mortgage rate shot up to over 18%, thinks were tough but I never resented DH. When we started our family things weren't quite as tough but there were still sacrifices and DH never resented it. He never pushed me to return to work and when I did he automatically upped his housework to take account of the fact that i wasn't at home so much.

It definitely can work with no resentment or misery.

Original poster
zigzagbetty · 04/01/2018 17:20

Wow! Some great advice here and lots of new angles to look at.
That is one of my main concerns that dh may feel under pressure as main earner. We are going to put everything into our joint account so hopefully he wouldn't get into debt or miss bills.
Im going to show him this thread tonight and have (another) discussion about it! Hes not a high earner but we would not have to claim anything to live on his wage, in fact hes very anti benifit and wouldnt anyway.
I might try the three month idea and see how i feel, though wil need to sort child care out asap Smile

OP posts:
Firenight · 04/01/2018 17:23

I wouldn’t want to be the sole breadwinner and nor would my husband. If one of us was out of work at least we have the other as back up with both working.

My kids love childcare - my little girl asks to go to nursery to see her friends, so don’t totally write it off as a bad thing.

The downside of me is feeling over stretched. Part time would definitely be a better balance and if you or if both you and your partner can drop hours it makes a huge difference.

MistressPage · 04/01/2018 17:23

Just to add: a SAHM and a breadwinner DH can be JUST as much an equal partnership as a working mum and DH. Just to clarify that.

thisisalliwant · 04/01/2018 17:24

I say go for it if you can afford it. I changed jobs after my first maternity leave as I hated my job in banking. I took a 6 month career break after the second from my public sector job, but then didn’t return and had a wonderful 5 years off with my children. Money was tight, we lived fairly frugally and holidays were weekends camping. I took a part time retail job two years ago, which I have loved and will be returning to when my current maternity leave is over.

Scoleah · 04/01/2018 17:25

I didn't go back after my DS.
Best thing I've ever done too!
My husband worked long hours without me doing 20hours anyway; so we now do it all on one wage: it is a bit of a struggle some weeks but wouldn't change it!
If you can cope then do it!

popcorntime1 · 04/01/2018 17:29

I would just highlight that that the benefits of working are not just financial. I could stay at home but would go mad .For me I enjoy getting out of the house & being me as opposed to someone’s mum if that makes sense.

blueshoes · 04/01/2018 17:30

OP, good idea to give yourself a 3 month trial period. Good luck with it.

I wasn't thinking straight towards the end of my first maternity leave and stressed so much about going back to work. Turned out I felt liberated the minute I got on the train to work - the relative peace and bliss of the commute was heaven. For my second maternity leave, I cut it short and went back a month early.

You never know. It is the right decision to keep your options open and burn as few bridges until things are more settled.

blueshoes · 04/01/2018 17:32

There is a bit of Stockholm Syndrome at work by the end of your first maternity leave.

TammySwansonTwo · 04/01/2018 17:32

Buying wholesale and selling retail can be a good little business - if you can do it online even better.

museumum · 04/01/2018 17:32

If you want to change career do you need training? If so how will you pay for it? Going back for a year say might give you enough savings to then resign and start training?

Or if you genuinely can’t bear to go back ft then ask for pt and push them hard as you’ll have nothing to lose. You might find that once they know you will resign they do find a way to run a trial of pt.

TammySwansonTwo · 04/01/2018 17:34

I'd been self employed for years when I had my twins. When they were a year old I was thanking my lucky stars I didn't have to go back to a job. Now they're nearly 16 months I'm considering getting one - I love them but they are exhausting and sometime find it difficult to enjoy my time with them as I'm so burnt out from the chasing them round and the screeching and the lack of napping! I wouldn't do anything hasty if you can help it.

redexpat · 04/01/2018 17:37

I think its great that youve got so many different viewpoints here. I would say that now is the time to think long term planning. If you are at work you will get a better pension. If you are at work then your skills remain current. If you leave then your skills will quickly become outdated and it can be very difficult to get back into the workforce. Can you go pt at work and retrain as something else? Is there any training available from your workplace?

MistressPage · 04/01/2018 17:37

You know you don't have to go out to work to feel like a real person? You CAN be a real person and a full time mum. I spend my days having loads of fun out and about with my two year old, 2 evenings a week out doing my hobby, the other evenings chatting with DH or out socialising or hosting dinner parties. I also do a bit of voluntary work. In no way do I feel 'stuck at home' or 'not myself'.

Honeycombcrunch · 04/01/2018 17:48

It's a good idea to go back and see how you get on. You should definitely ask about going part time because many employers won't want to lose a skilled member of staff.

LambMadras · 04/01/2018 17:50

No one has really mentioned the impact on the child / children if the OP returns to work. What does the childcare look like? Out of the house all day in a nursery environment? Or one to one care at home? With a relative? Or a nanny? How will these choices impact the child?

Ijustlovefood · 04/01/2018 17:52

Agree with mistress page

Ijustlovefood · 04/01/2018 17:56

I believe it's wrong for it to be 'expected' that mother's return to work after maternity leave. Great for those with careers who want to but if you want to be at home with your baby and are prepared for the financial sacrifice then it's important and valuable thing to do. It's wrong for mother's to be separated from their babies if they don't want to just because society 'expects' it.

popcorntime1 · 04/01/2018 18:04

MistressPage I didn’t mean to offend. P/t is just the right balance for me as I can’t hack the kids!

blueshoes · 04/01/2018 18:06

mistresspage your child is only 2 years old ... you are still in the honeymoon period of SAHM