AIBU to not go back to work after maternity leave

[zigzagbetty]

My maternity leave is coming to an end in February and I just can't face going back to work. I am the main breadwinner but we have been managing on my dh's wages while I've been on the unpaid part of my leave. He says he will support me whatever happens but I keep feeling guilty and a bit scared about him being the only wage earner.
Ive been in my job for 20 years and would like a change in career and cant see how I can go back to the fast paced, stressful environment at the moment. I know though I'm unlikely to earn the same wage in a new role. I'm just conflicted. First post please be kind!

"It’s completely personal and unique to your situation."

This. In spades.

Does it have to be either/or? I ask because it sounds as though you're more dissatisfied with this particular job than that you want to be a SAHM - you talk about changing career? I don't think that's incompatible with being a mum at all! I know several people with small children who have studied part-time or retrained, especially when their kids started going to nursery.

And yes, a career change often means a hit to the wallet, but that hit may not be permanent. We spend a lot of time at work and being happy and fulfilled and generally feeling like you can cope with the workload is really important.

I thought I was going to back and didn’t for similar reasons - no part time possible etc.

I ended up doing something completely different that fits with kids and is much more fulfilling.

If you’ve experience in retail and selling things wholesale you might consider selling on Amazon or eBay for a bit of extra cash in the short term.

Loads of companies now have schemes supporting women in their return to work so in 10 or so years this will be the norm.

There's a rather large assumption based on not very much. OP would not be wise to make a decision based on that kind of attitude.

OP, first thing to remember is this is a very common feeling at this stage. It's felt by both women who later find they did want to SAH and women who later find they are happier back in work but were just panicking. Either could be you.

Secondly, nothing to stop you asking about part time. They've unofficially said no- ok. What might happen if you make a formal request? They can certainly refuse it but would need to show a business reason. If they do say no, would you like part time work elsewhere? You mention selling things which makes me think you might like some kind of sideline even if you did SAH- is that right? If so, worth thinking through all possibilities here. Freelance etc. It isn't necessarily a choice between your current full time role and selling a few bits.

Then consider what else might you do, both now and if you leave the workplace and try to get in. In terms of re-entering, listen to the experiences of people who've done it rather than people who haven't. It may well be that SAH is the right decision for you now, but given that it is difficult to re-enter later on, if you're going to do it then do it with full acceptance of the possible consequences.

I would also say that the numbers here make a difference. If you've been managing on DHs wages whilst dipping into savings, that puts a different spin on things then if you've been managing by only having one holiday a year instead of three etc. If he's still a fairly high earner himself it's likely to be a more sensible decision than it would be if you're going to end up in a top up benefits situation if you quit.

I didn't go back. Great in some ways , not so in many other, DP couldn't handle the responsibility of being the wage earner and got us into terrible debt without me knowing.

I would strongly suggest you do some other things to earn money - PM me if you want. Relying on your partner is never best in the long run, no matter how good you think he/she is.

I wouldn’t (and didn’t) give up my career.

If you and your OH split - obviously you don’t expect it, but it happens to sooo many people - you’ll regret losing your independence and earning power.

I didnt go back to work after my maternity leave. It was something DH and I had agreed when we decided to try for a family and the way my employers treated me during my pregnancy just made me sure I'd made the right decision. This was in 1998 and I was earning a relatively high salary (c. £30k) so quite a financial sacrifice but I don't regret it for a moment. I didn't return to paid work for 15 years and now work term time only on such a low wage that I don't even pay tax but I love what I do and I'm still at home for my DS (who has slight SEN) during holidays.

If you can afford to do it and don't mind not having your own money (we always shared everything 100% so caused us no problems) then go for it. They really aren't children for long....

I was dreading going back I went back on Tuesday for two days and I loved it- it felt like a break from childcare and I liked the change of scenery. My daughter loves nursery tho so I have no worries there. Not sure how I'll feel in a few months I'll probably want to give it up but maybe you could try it for a month an see how you feel?

I wouldn't quit either.

There are no cast iron guarantees in a relationship and you could be left with nothing. Employers are put off by large cv gaps and very few have back to work schemes for mum like somebody previously advised.

An adult being the only earner and just about making it will soon get resentful of the other.

I'd return and look for something else if unhappy.

I gave up my career after my 1st (did go back & try it for 4 months) as part time was not an option. However I then got a pt job & really enjoy my work/life balance. For me I wanted to keep my toe in for a number of reasons but mainly because I didn’t want to lose confidence & technology is moving so fast these days.

Also if you work a certain number of hours you qualify for the 30 hours once DC turn 3 so it’s not forever that you lose all your wage to childcare.

I posted something very similar this time last year. I left my stressful job and now work from home, doing something similar on a smaller scale.
It doesn't pay as much but I don't have to pay nursery fees so overall it's about the same. I get to spend every day watching my toddler grow and learn.
Best decision we ever made.

Glad you posted this, my leave ends Feb and I'm not going back. Like a pp, their treatment of me on leave has helped to sway me. I was thinking I was in a minority, as most people do seem to go back these days.

Before you make any decisions you need to talk with your DP about how he feels about this. It is a serious responsibility to ask someone to be a sole wage earner for a family and you need to ensure that you've fully communicated what that means to both of you before deciding.

Some questions you may want to consider:
How are you going to get on long term on one wage, and what are you both agreeing it is worth sacrificing long term to afford a SAHP e.g. holidays, new cars?
What will the split of responsibilities be in this new world?
How long will you give it before reviewing whether it is working for both of you?
What are the options if you decide you want to return to work or if your partner wants to change roles?
What security do you have as a SAHM without your own income? Can you look at paying into a personal pension from family money to provide some security?

I think being a SAHP can be a great opportunity, but you give it the best chance at working in the long term if you've laid your cards out on the table first and worked through the practicalities rather than approaching it from a purely optimistic standpoint.

Also OP did you get any enhanced pay or just statutory?

I gave up my career after mat leave because it was making me miserable and completely inflexible about me going p/t (teaching). I’ve been a SAHM for over 3 years now, and with DC2 on the way in June I expect to be a SAHM for a while longer.

It works for our family because DH is utterly devoted to his job, it’s more of a vocation for him. I fell out of love with my job and felt sick at the prospect of going back.

I do want to work p/t when DC2 is 3, I think more for some time away than anything else!

All good points to consider from OneFlew.

Your dh must fully buy into the benefits of having a SAHM. It must be grim for him to have the pressure of being the sole wage earner in a lower paying job (how secure is it?) when you were previously the main breadwinner and live an austere lifestyle indefinitely on top of all this.

Id go back, try for part time and look for something more flexible. Leaving work, especially if you are the breadwinner can have big consequences for your future.

SAHM makes sense and is fulfilling when the children are little but the cracks start the show once the children are in school (late primary onwards) when other previous SAHDs are now back at work for a few years now or if not, struggling to get back in because of the long gap whilst those who kept their toe in all the while are beginning to rev up and pick up the pace career-wise in well-paid jobs that they earned flexibility in because of their seniority and experience.

The children turn more and more to their friends and their social life and eventually leave home for university or work.

What then? Most women would only be in their 40s or early 50s by this time with three decades ahead of them. Coming to terms with losing their looks. Partners with mid-life crises ... friends start to get divorced.

It is important to keep your own identity apart from your family and your earning power independent from your dh.

Parenting and life is a long game.

I would not quit personally - it sounds like you would rather change careers and not be at home for ever? Being a SAHM is very different from maternity leave.
It's always easier to find a new job that allows part time and is something you like when you're employed. People might tell you you can always go back later - but women who have a big gap in their employment record are actually not that attractive for potential employers.

Being skint can put a lot of pressue on your relationship. You say you have "managed" for a few months, but it will be different if you have to manage on less than half your prevous income for years - what about all those bigger items you paid for from your salary? And children don't get any cheaper.

An adult being the only earner and just about making it will soon get resentful of the other.

This isn't necessarily true. I see a lot if this on Mumsnet, a lot of women urging other women to never trust a man to support them, presumably due to bad experiences. It makes me a bit sad because it's such a bleak view and because I know so many decent, good, hardworking men who look after their wives and children.

My husband for one is proud to support me and our son as the sole breadwinner and doesn't resent me as some sort of freeloader, but rather, appreciates the contribution I make in raising our child.

I was a SAHM for years. I enjoyed it at the time, but now I’m back at work I realise that I did really miss it. It’s easy to lose part of your identity (without even realising it) if you take away that aspect of your life.

I would go back and see how it goes.

if you want to change role, you're better off doing it from a position of being employed. Go back, give it a shot and look around. You might also find that you're better off taking another round of maternity leave from your existing employer than finding a new job and waiting until you've been there two years for enhanced maternity benefits.

Does it make you sad because you don't think it's accurate MistressPage, or sad because you think it is?

Austentatious, good point about sticking around for a second maternity leave.

Apart from enhanced maternity benefits, it is also a good strategy to put all your maternity leaves on one employer and either go pt or coast during that time. Once you are ready to gear up on the career when the children are older, then quit and reinvent yourself at your next employer.

I don’t know why people are such snowflakes about being the sole earner. I’ve done it, DH has done it, it was completely fine. Single parents have no choice and they don’t make such a fuss about it.

Lots of good advice here. I felt the same but decided I’d go back for 3 months to see how it went, and after just a few weeks I knew I’d made the right choice.

It’s really important to look at the long term (next 20 yrs) consequences of this decision. You will almost definitely find it very difficult to re-enter a new job at a similar level / pay after even just a few years out, and many women find the SAH role less fulfilling when children at school.