AIBU to not go back to work after maternity leave

[zigzagbetty]

My maternity leave is coming to an end in February and I just can't face going back to work. I am the main breadwinner but we have been managing on my dh's wages while I've been on the unpaid part of my leave. He says he will support me whatever happens but I keep feeling guilty and a bit scared about him being the only wage earner.
Ive been in my job for 20 years and would like a change in career and cant see how I can go back to the fast paced, stressful environment at the moment. I know though I'm unlikely to earn the same wage in a new role. I'm just conflicted. First post please be kind!

We should also consider the impact of the child if OP does not return to work/find alternative work. There may be a reduction in income and obviously will be less security. OP talks about feeling concerned in case DH would feel under pressure: what might this do to his relationship with their child? Can strategies be put in place to help with that?

Also nobody seems to have mooted the idea of DH reducing his hours or SAH. Would you feel any differently if DH were at home OP?

Not offended! Too often these threads turn into SAHM vs WOHM bunfight, but both sides are valid, it's just important to avoid too much generalisation in terms of 'SAHMs are boring/WOHMs are neglectful' which is nonsense. We're all just doing our best!

I volunteer with CAB - if you are on low income I presume you get child benefit and that will continue. If part of your income has been made up of other benefits such as working tax credit then check whether these will be affected if you leave your job. If you are on tax credit/housing benefit check whether you leaving work may mean you have to apply for universal credit instead.

Yep, agreed. I always think it’s sad when someone works but would prefer to be at home & when someone wants to work but can’t afford childcare etc.

Yep, agreed. I always think it’s sad when someone works but would prefer to be at home & when someone wants to work but can’t afford childcare etc.

It's very very different being at home with an almost 1 year old who can't walk, still naps in the day and when you have NCT friends around you, to being a SAHM to an older toddler who no longer naps, throws tantrums, you can't just meet a friend for a coffee, and they back to work anyway...

Definitely ask to go PT or possibly job share, could your DH go part time? May be easier to leave your baby with daddy than childcare. I know a couple where they both dropped to 3 days a week so there was only 1 day a week the dcs were in childcare, both had 2 days a week at home but financially they were better off than just 1 wage.

It's also worth considering if you are planning dc2, would it be worth going back just to get the next round of ML?

Think also about the balance in your relationship - for many men having a wife at home is tantamount to permission to abstain from any childcare and domestic duties.

You may become a drudge.

I work in hospitality which is similar to retail in many respects. I was surprised they allowed me to work three days a week so it may be worth a try. I work two peak shifts and one off peak. I also didn't have to pay back my maternity if I hadn't gone back.

Also for those saying about difficulties in returning to work after breaks, I don't believe this is as difficult in retail as in law, banking, teaching etc. so may not be as tough for the OP.

I'm due to go on my second maternity leave in a few months, after which I'm currently deciding whether to return. I hate dropping my daughter to nursery and she only goes one day a week.

This is a decision only you can make in discussion with your DP.

Individual posters will have their own story as to what’s worked for them, but the important thing is what works best for your family, not just now, but in the medium and longer term too.

Personally I can identify to an extent with your emotions... i had to return to work when my first was 12 weeks (albeit working only 3 days a week) as this was back in the day of short ML and we couldn’t have lived off one salary then (sky high mortgage interest rates)

If someone had waved a magic wand the week before i returned and said our mortgage would be paid and I didn’t need to go to work, I’d have probably jumped at it- after all, it’s physically knackering to return to work with a breastfeeding 3 months old.

However being back at work is not like the thought of being back. I quickly realised dd was fine with her childminder, I was keeping my hand in with my career and it also meant a better balance between dh and me. In fact, I realised the benefits so much that I continued working after dc2 and 3, by which time interest rates had fallen, we could have lived comfortably on one salary - and in fact all my earnings went on childcare anyway! But dc 2 and 3 were at a brilliant nursery, we all benefited as a family and importantly i never stepped completely out of the workplace so never had the stress of wanting to get back in but finding it tough.

So i see the dilemma because to an extent you need to project into the future and consider the longer term implications of whatever decision you come to. And make sure it’s a joint decision too. I absolutely would not want the pressure of being sole earner so why would I put that on my dh? And likewise he considered himself an equal parent so has always done loads with the kids and in the home

Maybe requesting flexible working would be a step forward because you’re not completely giving up your career but you’re retaining a good balance. And if it’s the job you dislike, why not look for something new, because it’s much easier to get a job from a position of employment rather than trying to get back into the workplace after a long period out of it

Good luck

Thanks to you all for giving us loads of different views, I showed my oh this thread last night and today have booked to see 2 nurseries.
You have spured me on to chance my arm again with the flexible working and give my old role a go for a fixed period then either find a new job or be a Sahm if its not working for us all.
Going to try and save any extra wages so we dont up our spends and go back to pre baby excesses

That's great OP. I think you are making the right call to stick in at work but on more agreeable hours. Its a huge move quitting a career and can be very difficult getting back in further down the line should you choose to do so.

It's incredible how little you can survive on. But do you just want to survive. But treats and excesses are nice. They make life a little more fun. If you can manage on just Dh's wage yet you were the bigger earner then logic says that must be an absolute mahoosive reduction in your overall family income. Definitely do not make any decisions whilst on mat leave. I felt just like you in November after 15 months off on mat leave. Admittedly I have gone back slightly part time but it is a massively stressful job with long hours, often having to stay on short notice etc... guess what.. I'm LOVING life. I'm such a better balanced person and life is oretty rosy. I literally felt like you in November. You're still in the baby bubble. It really wont be that bad!

I dreaded going back, did hate it and found a new job(earning a great deal more) within 4 months. Do what’s best for your whole family. A job you hate and being back will really crystallise what you want to do with your life.

Sounds like a decent plan OP. I'd probably be keeping my eye out for any part time things or sidelines that might come up too.

I have dreaded / hated / cried every time I have gone back to work post maternity leave.

Try and reduce hours - use annual leave to shorten your weeks to begin with , plan your annual leave. You may find it's not that bad after a while and if you want a second it's definitely worth going back if you can.

I would rather be home but I know my money means we can eat well, buy what we need, treat the children as doing fun things adds up. We took two of ours climbing this evening and that was £28 for the two of them, and go on holiday. Personally I don't want to just survive I want to enjoy my life.

It's only another 3/ 4 years before they go to school. My and my husband did 4 days each to spend more time with children which was great

I’m looking at booking a trip to Lapland this December (2018), for myself and husband and our two daughters who will be 4.5 and 7 years when we go. I’m looking at travelling with Santa Claus Trips, has anyone travelled with them before? It’s for a 3 day/2 night stay in Northern Lapland. Does anyone have any advice or tips please? It’s a lot of money but we only plan to do it once! Thanks

After ds 1 I had to go back part time when he was 5 months. I was okay with it and quite enjoyed it but I knew I had to go back as financially staying at home was not an option. After ds2 i did not want to go back. My role has changed and it’s not as interesting. I earn nothing due to childcare, parking and fuel costs and ds1 has a lot of additional support needs which demand a good part of my spare time.

I will most likely give up work and be a stay at home mum for a while. I love being at home it’s much less stressful for us as a family, no childcare stresses as ds1 is in school and due to his additional needs can only really be looked after by dh or me and I grudge working for nothing when I could be at home.

If I could afford to give up work I would do so in a heartbeat. It sounds like you have that choice OP and you want to. Do it!

Well life always finds a way to throw a spanner in the works!
Work refused part-time hours and my dh lost his job I guess that me back to work full time then!

I was about to day, it's a good idea for you to go back, for financial security, and then I saw your update!

My DP lost his job just before I started maternity leave. He did find a job relatively quickly, but it really brought home to me how insecure our position would be if I didn't work, particularly as I had been in my role for over 2 years. Both of us working worked out well for us, except I'm now being made redundant lol.

LambMadras

Working mothers don't 'shove their children into childcare'. How rude you are.

I think its terribly risky to give up work and not be able to look after yourself should something happen. Your DH could lose his job, become ill and unable to work, divorce you and die.

My SIL has been a SAHM for 14 years. BIL is leaving her and I have no idea how she will cope.

I think it only works if amcoiple is very wealthy.

Sorry a couple....

So sorry your husband lost his job.
I guess it’s things like this that make you realise how important it is to keep a hand in your career. I went back part time and so glad I did. My dh has to walk away with nothing from his successful business due to a toxic but rich business partner. So our income dropped to my earnings for a good while and I had to up my hours - which was much easier to do as I was already working. He is now building up his own business steadily and I am going on mat leave with my third. Hoping that by the time my mat leave is over we can afford drop back to my original part time hours.
I don’t know if anyone had mentioned yet or if you are considering now but if you decide to have a second child and are working then there is the added bonus of paid mat leave you wouldn’t have got had you been at home.
Hope your dh can get a new job soon x

I went back part time as I have no one to watch him while at work and childcare just wasn’t financially viable. DH doesn’t work weekends so it worked well. To start with. Then we realised he works shifts so I don’t see him any way and we don’t get any family time so I’ll be handing in my notice soon and I’m really looking forward to being with my son full time