Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can't see friend without kids

128 replies

saskiathewitch · 03/01/2018 16:34

I don't have children (yet, though love them, want to and am a very active auntie!) and would value the thoughts of parents on this. My closest friend and her DP are insistent that they will only meet up with us if their two young children can come too. In general they seem to think things are 'more fun' if they involve children, and they spend much of their time with new friends they have made through their children's schools, doing child-based activities. Cool, that's what happens, I get it. Obviously sometimes it's nice to see the whole family, as we have known their kids since they were born and often babysit for them. But not always - specially as their children aren't the easiest in restaurants/public spaces so the day often ends up being very stressful.

Our friends don't seem to sense our unhappiness. We have tried inviting our friends to adult events in the evening (with months of notice) and they always turn us down and suggest an alternative occasion with kids involved at a time when we'd rather be in our pyjamas (early on a Saturday morning for example). We have been round to theirs a few times in the evening to make things easier for them, but the kids often stay up late and the tv is always on and it's hard to talk. It all feels very one way. We are fed up of never being able to get a word in edgeways or have adult time with our friends. Should we just accept the friendship is over or that we can only see them with the children? The other part to this is I feel hurt I've been pretty much dropped by my friend because I'm childless so perhaps I am BU.

OP posts:
lookingforthecorkscrew · 03/01/2018 16:37

How old are the kids? I will soon have two under 4 and tbh I can’t see myself leaving them that often for a couple of years. Babysitters are expensive, and also a lot of kids just won’t be left.

PurpleDaisies · 03/01/2018 16:37

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Have you actually spelled out that you’d like meet up without children around? Could you meet up with the wife alone and leave the husband at home looking after the children while you two have fun?

ChasedByBees · 03/01/2018 16:39

For the adult events in the evening, they may prefer to be in their pyjamas then...

It is difficult with kids particularly if you don't have any family who could babysit nearby.

Has your friend ditched you? It sounds like you still meet up, just with the kids in tow.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/01/2018 16:39

If you babysit for them presumably they are doing adult only things with other people. Do they not have a sitter if it's not you maybe?
It might be easier for you to just invite the mum or your partner invite the dad to do something (or vice versa if you are more friends with the dad) rather than trying to arrange couple things.

PurpleDaisies · 03/01/2018 16:39

Babysitters are expensive, and also a lot of kids just won’t be left.

The op babysits the children so presumably they can be left...

Jaygee61 · 03/01/2018 16:39

These people sound like crashing bores to be honest.

Reallytired17 · 03/01/2018 16:41

Yeah I know a few people like this. I put up with it, because I like my friends, but I don’t like it.

lookingforthecorkscrew · 03/01/2018 16:41

Maybe you’re their only babysitter OP? We have no family or close friends near us to call on, so we often arrange to meet up with people in the day with the DS in tow.

Reallytired17 · 03/01/2018 16:42

Yeah but then you say “I’m really sorry but have no one to watch the kids. Can you do XY?”

sarahjconnor · 03/01/2018 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frasier · 03/01/2018 16:44

Things change and unfortunately there's not a lot we can do about it when it involves others.

I remember when the first one in our group got married. Suddenly their DP came everywhere with them and we all felt a bit odd about that.

You are in different states right now, you might always be from now on. If or when you have children you might want to take them everywhere or want time out on your own.

TheEmmaDilemma · 03/01/2018 16:45

So you can babysit for them to do things alone, but they can't find someone else for you to see them alone? One sided. You're growing apart.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/01/2018 16:45

Presumably the op will know if there is a gp or other good friend that sits for them. If there is then she might need to say that while she loves the kids she'd really like to have a catch up with just them sometimes.
We don't have anyone to babysit but get round it by me and dh going for adult nights out separately.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 03/01/2018 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2018 16:47

They sound like those bores whose life's revolve around the kids, and think other people would love to spend time with them, as they do. I wod tell them that you wod like to.just meet up with them no kids, and could they find babysitter or friend to look after them for a few hours .

Scrumptiousbears · 03/01/2018 16:47

I remember not having kids and feeling the same as you. I now have kids and still few the same as you. I can't talk to my friends properly with them there talking, squabbling etc. I totally agree there is need for adult time or you'd go mad. Sadly not everyone agrees.

StellaHeyStella · 03/01/2018 16:47

You've not been dropped because you are childless op, you've been dropped because they now have children and their priorities have shifted - which is understandable btw. Even if you had children it wouldn't automatically make you want to spend every social event with your dc, that's a choice thing.

They obviously don't want to recreate the social relationship you had before their dc. In your situation I'd accept the odd invite to 'family' orientated events from them and look elsewhere for my partying buddies.

Weezol · 03/01/2018 16:47

The first part of Corbyns post is exactly what I was thinking.
What are they doing when you babysit?

swingofthings · 03/01/2018 16:48

Some people are like that. I had a very good child-free single friend when I was a single mum of two young children. Most of the time we got together was when I was able to be free of our children, not to go out and party, just to get together, have a good chat without being disturbed.

It therefore as a real surprise when she herself became a mum (after she'd said she would never have kids because she couldn't cope with the prospect of losing her freedom), and in the last 10 years since, I think I've only seen her twice on her own, despite the fact that she has a partner very happy to look after her child.

I never dared asking her why, although I know she feels guilty that she is working FT and therefore feels she should be spending her entire spare time with her child, so I guess that's the reason. It wouldn't be so bad if she made it clear now that he was older that she didn't want to be disturbed, but instead, we can't have a conversation for more than a few minutes without him disturbing her and her doing whatever he wants her to do. I would love to see her again, but find doing so very tedious.

We're all different though, so nothing else to do but accept that some parents forget they are not just parents.

Flicketyflack · 03/01/2018 16:50

Their life has changed!

I did not notice how old their children are but that may be an influence. I remember friends being dismissive of me when I declined things when my children were younger. Interesting to hear them talk now they have kids 😉

Perhaps talk with them or maybe your friendship has moved on.

saskiathewitch · 03/01/2018 16:51

The kids are 5 and 7. They do get babysitters (sometimes me, other friends or the GPs) but don't seem to really want to. The mum particularly is very into kid based stuff and seems to find it more entertaining/interesting than some parents I know. I think she doesnt realise not everyone is as thrilled... I do see the mum on her own sometimes but have been friends with both for years so it's just a shame.

I haven't explicitly said 'Please don't bring the kids' as it feels a bit rude - but surely invites to evening things and declining child friendly activities sends the same message?

OP posts:
etap · 03/01/2018 16:53

Sounds like they've just moved on together as a family not just a couple of adults.

demirose87 · 03/01/2018 16:58

I can see where they're coming from to be honest. I've got four kids and I'm never child free. I really struggle to find someone I trust who ( and wants to)I know is capable of looking after all of them. On the rare occasion my mum babysits them, I choose to spend my free time wisely, and prioritise things. For example I'd rather go out with my partner for alone time, than with a friend. Could it be anything like this?

Ragwort · 03/01/2018 17:00

I would find that tough, I've always tried to see my own friends without my DC (or theirs) around - but we would leave the children with their father - I am not into going out as 'couples' prefer to just go out with girlfriends.

Some people just won't leave their children though, and seem to think that everyone else finds them equally entertaining Hmm. In your situation I would just cool the friendship.

juneau · 03/01/2018 17:01

Most of the parents I know are eager to get a bit of adult time away from their DC, so I find their attitude slightly odd. I mean, if you're suggesting getting together every week then fine, I can understand them not wanting to leave the children week after week, but every now and again for an adult night out - you'd think maybe they'd be glad to chat and unwind without having to be mum and dad on duty the whole time. But there's nowt so queer as folk! Some people just won't leave their DC and there are threads on MN all the time where someone innocently asks 'At what age did you leave your DC with a babysitter for the first time', and there are always several who come on and say things like 'My DC are 13 and 15 and I've NEVER had a night out since the day they were born', so maybe your friends are just nutters like that?