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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't see friend without kids

128 replies

saskiathewitch · 03/01/2018 16:34

I don't have children (yet, though love them, want to and am a very active auntie!) and would value the thoughts of parents on this. My closest friend and her DP are insistent that they will only meet up with us if their two young children can come too. In general they seem to think things are 'more fun' if they involve children, and they spend much of their time with new friends they have made through their children's schools, doing child-based activities. Cool, that's what happens, I get it. Obviously sometimes it's nice to see the whole family, as we have known their kids since they were born and often babysit for them. But not always - specially as their children aren't the easiest in restaurants/public spaces so the day often ends up being very stressful.

Our friends don't seem to sense our unhappiness. We have tried inviting our friends to adult events in the evening (with months of notice) and they always turn us down and suggest an alternative occasion with kids involved at a time when we'd rather be in our pyjamas (early on a Saturday morning for example). We have been round to theirs a few times in the evening to make things easier for them, but the kids often stay up late and the tv is always on and it's hard to talk. It all feels very one way. We are fed up of never being able to get a word in edgeways or have adult time with our friends. Should we just accept the friendship is over or that we can only see them with the children? The other part to this is I feel hurt I've been pretty much dropped by my friend because I'm childless so perhaps I am BU.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 03/01/2018 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sinceyouask · 03/01/2018 17:51

I don't think anyone's unreasonable here, really. Fine for you not to want to do the activities with the dc that they want to do, fine for them not to want to leave their dc with others and do the activities that you want to do.

Original poster
saskiathewitch · 03/01/2018 17:55

Interesting. I often wonder if they are in fact parent bores like some of you suggest,
or if I will suddenly find children stimulating and fascinating once I am a parent (anything's possible!). I do have a few other friends who are a bit less child focussed and it's been easier to maintain friendships with them... But this has given me a few things to think about. It seems lots of parents don't expect to 'couple' socialise as it's easier to do one on ones so maybe I'll stick to that. I may also suggest an open invite to an adult only thing just in case they ever change their minds!

OP posts:
juneau · 03/01/2018 17:55

can you? Lucky you if you have a network of friends and family around. Can't you understand that not everybody has the same level of help.

Yes, I can, and personally I use babysitters from an agency that CRB checks their sitters and I've always been very happy with them. But many people I know won't use sitters, but they do use family, friends and neighbours - people they know and trust. I don't know anyone with DC who simply doesn't go out or won't leave their DC at all.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/01/2018 17:58

I think if you word the request well it won't come across as rude. I'm assuming you would say something like 'you know we love seeing the kids but we really miss going for adult meals where you're not having to look after them and we can have more adult conversations. Could we arrange something soon?' Rather than 'Can we meet up without your kids? They're annoying as hell and while I understand you have to put up with them we don't.' It's all in the wording!

wednesdayswench · 03/01/2018 17:59

Could their choice of activities be cost based?

Perhaps an evening out for dinner, or tickets to see a band etc. is out if their price range at the moment? (As you are childless perhaps you have more disposable income than them right now?)

Are they choosing to have you over for a meal, or other daytime child friendly activities because that's all they can afford?

PurpleDaisies · 03/01/2018 18:00

Are they choosing to have you over for a meal, or other daytime child friendly activities because that's all they can afford?

If cost were the reason, why aren’t the kids in bed when the op comes over?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/01/2018 18:01

We have no-one to sit for us. Of course we have friends but they have multiple children of their own and are usually in the group we would be going out with so need their own sitter! I wouldn't feel able to ask someone's elderly mum if they'd mind watching an extra 2 Grin
Never felt comfortable using an agency. Crb check or not you are in a vulnerable position inviting a lone adult into your home to watch your kids I think. From a safety and theft perspective.

WhooooAmI24601 · 03/01/2018 18:04

I have children but still meet up with friends without them when I can because a) the children are not my whole world and b) when the children grow up and bugger off to uni I'd quite like to have friends I've held onto.

Child-friendly everything sounds dull. If you don't want to, you don't have to do it. You sound lovely, though, and very tolerant. We have childless friends who are lovely Godparents but I love our nights out in restaurants without our DCs with them.

Hatsoffdear · 03/01/2018 18:04

I think you may have just both moved on.

Some parents are like this, totally 24/7 kid orientated and that’s a choice. I don’t think you are being unreasonable op but guess they arnt either.

limon · 03/01/2018 18:05

Juneau just because you don't know anyone that doesn't go out evenings doesn't mean we are freaks.

I've been out twice since having DD who is now almost 6. Both times my mum looked after her. I wouldn't leave her with a stranger and my mum lives a 60 mile round trip away .

I am really not interested at all in evenings out. My socialising happens during the day and more often than not with other like minded people and their kids.

I'm not some kind of weird selfish freak.

MoKnickers · 03/01/2018 18:09

Ugh. How dull. Can’t abide OPC.

PurpleDaisies · 03/01/2018 18:10

OPC?

MadMaryBoddington · 03/01/2018 18:11

These people sound like crashing bores to be honest.

This. They clearly have childcare options, they just don’t want to socialise without their dc any more.

I’d be letting this friendship die a natural death, personally.

Original poster
saskiathewitch · 03/01/2018 18:12

They're actually a fair biy richer than us as he is in banking and we're lowly teachers. I dont think she has to work. I'm suggesting the odd one off dinner down the pub or maybe a cheap gig. That sort of thing. So I don't think it's that.

OP posts:
Halebeke425 · 03/01/2018 18:12

I think this just comes down to different personalities.. Some parents really only like to do stuff as a family unit and don't find it boring or stressful to have everything revolving round the kids all the time. I have a couple of close friends like that and sometimes it's a bit frustrating but I love my friends and I accept that is just how they are. I tend to talk to them more through messages rather than face to face as a result as we can't always talk properly with kids around. I don't mind really.

I have three kids and love to have 'adult time ' with friends when I can get it! I like family stuff too but would be bored stiff by only family events. It's nice to have grown up conversations and give people my full attention.

Original poster
saskiathewitch · 03/01/2018 18:13

Sorry that was to @WednesdaysWench

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 03/01/2018 18:13

I've never thought about using an agency tbh, just never occurred to me. But then our 2 girls (8 and 5) are hard work, with DD1 having attachment issues. I'd probably have trust issues anyway, because of my own traumatic childhood, I'd want to know who I'm leaving my DDs with.

It's not about being selfish. Not everyone wants to use babysitters they don't know. And it's hard work getting our two girls to bed so they wouldn't be asleep either. The OP has said that the kids are badly behaved, maybe they find it hard to get them to bed as well? They are 7 and 5 now.

Lizzie48 · 03/01/2018 18:16

I have a friend I go out with on my own, though.

Original poster
saskiathewitch · 03/01/2018 18:16

I'm relieved I'm not being a total twat here

OP posts:
Original poster
saskiathewitch · 03/01/2018 18:19

@Halebeke425 I think you might be right. Probably having kids exacerbates certain traits in people one way or the other and so things have come to light. Ah well.

OP posts:
Thegiantofillinois · 03/01/2018 18:20

I prefer meeting anyone without kids in tow. Including those friends I met through the kids. If I meet up in the park eyc, I like the kids to fuck right off and play, so I can talk to grown ups about grown up stuff, without having to deal with kid stuff.

BackBoiler · 03/01/2018 18:21

I sometimes have close friends round for the evening with children, chuck them all upstairs in pjs with a dvd, then have a takeaway and alcohol then they sleep over.

For a proper night out/meal with friends - NO WAY!

Frouby · 03/01/2018 18:25

For me to get a babysitter it involves massive planning. And at the moment my dm who is the only person I leave them with isn't well.

I would only do it for very special occasions such as a close friends big birthday or wedding.

Perhaps they view you as friends but not close friends.

Lizzie48 · 03/01/2018 18:25

I do think you need to talk to them, OP. Possibly the fact that you babysit for them means that they don't realise you feel this way, that you want to see them without their kids. It's not something that would necessarily occur to me. I do see a couple of friends without my DH, but we haven't been out as a couple with friends for a very long time.