Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can't see friend without kids

128 replies

saskiathewitch · 03/01/2018 16:34

I don't have children (yet, though love them, want to and am a very active auntie!) and would value the thoughts of parents on this. My closest friend and her DP are insistent that they will only meet up with us if their two young children can come too. In general they seem to think things are 'more fun' if they involve children, and they spend much of their time with new friends they have made through their children's schools, doing child-based activities. Cool, that's what happens, I get it. Obviously sometimes it's nice to see the whole family, as we have known their kids since they were born and often babysit for them. But not always - specially as their children aren't the easiest in restaurants/public spaces so the day often ends up being very stressful.

Our friends don't seem to sense our unhappiness. We have tried inviting our friends to adult events in the evening (with months of notice) and they always turn us down and suggest an alternative occasion with kids involved at a time when we'd rather be in our pyjamas (early on a Saturday morning for example). We have been round to theirs a few times in the evening to make things easier for them, but the kids often stay up late and the tv is always on and it's hard to talk. It all feels very one way. We are fed up of never being able to get a word in edgeways or have adult time with our friends. Should we just accept the friendship is over or that we can only see them with the children? The other part to this is I feel hurt I've been pretty much dropped by my friend because I'm childless so perhaps I am BU.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/01/2018 18:26

Could you suggest take away at theirs and ask what time the kids will be asleep so you’ll come afterwards rather than wind them up before bedtime. I discourage people from coming half an hour either side of bedtime, but would be happy to have friends over once the children are asleep.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/01/2018 18:26

I think they’re awful if you’re close enough to babysit but never worth babysitting.

saskiathewitch · 03/01/2018 18:29

@TestingTestingWonTooFree I actually think they think we want to see the kids. Because we babysit and stuff. They'll say 'Come round at x time so you can see the kids before bed they really want to see you!'

OP posts:
saskiathewitch · 03/01/2018 18:32

@Lizzie48 Yes you're probably right. I probably have more time to dwell on this stuff while they're busy parenting 24/7 and not even thinking about me or how I am. Maybe I will get a pet!

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 03/01/2018 18:35

That's just it, you need to tell them that! Maybe an option would be to meet up at their house and then go out once their babysitter arrives (they obviously do have other people they ask).

PurpleDaisies · 03/01/2018 18:36

I probably have more time to dwell on this stuff while they're busy parenting 24/7 and not even thinking about me or how I am

Being “busy parenting” is no excuse for being totally inconsiderate.

Foodylicious · 03/01/2018 18:41

I don't think either of you are wrong and you are not U to be upset at the changing dynamic in your friendship.

My LO is 3.5 and i have not had a 'night out since before I was pregnant but have had a couple of early teas out with friends while OH has been at home with LO.

We do not have other childcare options and I choose not to be away from him in the late evening or overnight.

This does not mean that I don't value my friends or my friendships, but will not make myself to go out late and/or without LO if it will make us both unhappy.

I try really hard to keep up contact and organise meet ups, but it's not easy.

I guess it's all about our expectations of other people and how we think they will be.

I am sure I have friends who fully expected me to start having nights out etc and using baby sitters.
I had expectations that some might want to spend time with me (us) during the day and maybe come with me to the park or for days out.
Sometimes parenting is lonely, but its hard to ask for help/support.

Both of us have been disappointed.

BringMeTea · 03/01/2018 18:42

YANBU. I have many friends with children. Most are very happy to meet you without them. One couple insisted on meeting with (they had a live in nanny, so definitely a choice). They even acknowledged that their dc were ‘feral’. Yeah well I did meet up but infrequently. It’s just not any fun (for me). Some parents are just like that. They had many many friends with children and maybe they thought they were doing ME a favour by meeting up when I don’t.

Change will come. No one’s at fault per se but sucks for you.

Lizzie48 · 03/01/2018 18:51

I think, just tell them how you feel and be honest. If it was me I'd want to know. Thanks

ZenNudist · 03/01/2018 18:51

Sounds like they dont value your friendship except as people to babysit their dc. I think they 'keep up' with you in a low cost minimal effort way that keeps you familiar enough with the dc that you can babysit.

Drop. If they like you let them make the effort.

milliemolliemou · 03/01/2018 18:57

saskia I think it's may be just friendship at a different stage. I had DCs earlier than most and many friends couldn't understand I was limited as a FTWM and time with DCs was valuable. I did get babysitters when and where I could for something important - and clearly met up with other friends if we could have lunch near work. Now with DCs nearly grown it's much easier and I've resumed many friendships on the pre-DC footing. HOWEVER I do find it odd you will babysit for them so they can do X or Y .... but they can't find babysitters to go out with you and your partner sans infants. Only you know the answer.

LouLouLove · 03/01/2018 18:57

I think that's quite weird of them and can see why you'd be upset, I only have one DS but I know that I can't socialise properly with him as you can't properly talk or focus, they do sound odd to be honest, who doesn't want to see their adult friends without having to look after children at the same time?!

christmaspudding1 · 03/01/2018 19:00

dont people here use a teen for a bit of babysitting anymore,friends daughter etc

agency,crb checked must cost a fortune and you dont know them

WitchesHatRim · 03/01/2018 19:02

What do posters suggest others do to be child-free in the evening? Spend a fortune on a babysitter? Again, not everyone has free childcare available!

Ops friend does though, including using the OP. That's the point.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 03/01/2018 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OVienna · 03/01/2018 19:29

@zatsuma yes I would suggest get a babysitter on the odd occasion. There are options that don't break the bank.

Lizzie48 · 03/01/2018 19:44

The OP has said that she does see the wife on her own sometimes, but she knows the husband as well so would like them both to go out to adult only events sometimes.

It does take a lot of planning to go out as a couple. Especially if your kids don't behave all that well. You can't just pay a teenager to look after them. It's not like with babies and toddlers who sleep through the night for 12 hours.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 03/01/2018 20:03

We have no baby sitting options except one person our DS likes (old nursery teacher) and it costs us about £35 before we even step out the door. We only use this for special nights as a couple. Our DS goes nearly everywhere with us if we go as a couple. If we want to see friends for adult evenings we go separately. Ask your friend on a girly night out

Strokethefurrywall · 03/01/2018 20:18

Jesus Christ, they sound like such dull bastards.

The kids are 5 and 7 from crying out loud, they can be left with a sitter/family friend/grandparent/school parent for a few hours. It's not like she's still bloody nursing them... is she??

"Hi friend - how about we just do something us adults one evening?Would be nice to have a night that we can get a bit rowdy and not have to worry about the kids..."

See what she says.

Okadas · 03/01/2018 20:20

I have a friend like this! In my case I think part of it is she thinks she is gifting childless-me with the joy of her children's presence...

I've seen her on her own only once in the past 6 years and she spent the whole time on her phone to her DH checking the kids had supper/baths/teeth cleaned etc. I'm very much aware that if I don't make all the moves to keep in touch then our friendship will be lost because she has different priorities now that I don't share.

SilenceIsBroken · 03/01/2018 20:52

They're parent bores. My DCs are a similar age to theirs and while I think they are great, I know that other adults have a limited capacity for conversations about the tooth fairy, in-depth discussions on favourite colours and other small-child ramblings.

Most people like a balance - I love spending time with my family but I also really love the time I have with my friends where I can talk uninterrupted. I think your friends are fairly unusual, in my circle most parents I know are on our wavelength.

Oblomov18 · 03/01/2018 20:54

I know mums like this. Mums who won't leave with their kids, say aged 8, with their dad, or a babysitter. To come out with other mums. They bring their kids to everything. You have let them go in the end.

Frouby · 03/01/2018 21:23

Some of these posts are a bit judgy tbh.

I rarely go out without my dcs. I could at a push get a babysitter but it's a massive ask. If someone wants to spend childfree time with ne they can when ds is at nursery. 5 mornings a week.

I spent my 20's and early 30's 'out out'. Apart from majorly special occasions I will spend the next few years in. Anyone is welcome to come and see us. We will go to family appropriate meet ups. We host several BBQs a summer.

But tbh the thought of faffing around with a babysitter, getting ready to go out out. Probably buying clothes. Taxis. Hangover the next day etc just to spend a few hours in a pub or restaurant doesn't really appeal.

It doesn't make me boring. It just means we are at different points in life.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 03/01/2018 21:29

Can you let the men look after the kids (film and beer) while you women go out. Then swap and let the men go out while you women babysit?

Trills · 03/01/2018 21:46

Ugh.

Nothing much to say that hasn't been said but you have my sympathies.

Meeting up with the children is NOT more fun.

Swipe left for the next trending thread