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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can't see friend without kids

128 replies

saskiathewitch · 03/01/2018 16:34

I don't have children (yet, though love them, want to and am a very active auntie!) and would value the thoughts of parents on this. My closest friend and her DP are insistent that they will only meet up with us if their two young children can come too. In general they seem to think things are 'more fun' if they involve children, and they spend much of their time with new friends they have made through their children's schools, doing child-based activities. Cool, that's what happens, I get it. Obviously sometimes it's nice to see the whole family, as we have known their kids since they were born and often babysit for them. But not always - specially as their children aren't the easiest in restaurants/public spaces so the day often ends up being very stressful.

Our friends don't seem to sense our unhappiness. We have tried inviting our friends to adult events in the evening (with months of notice) and they always turn us down and suggest an alternative occasion with kids involved at a time when we'd rather be in our pyjamas (early on a Saturday morning for example). We have been round to theirs a few times in the evening to make things easier for them, but the kids often stay up late and the tv is always on and it's hard to talk. It all feels very one way. We are fed up of never being able to get a word in edgeways or have adult time with our friends. Should we just accept the friendship is over or that we can only see them with the children? The other part to this is I feel hurt I've been pretty much dropped by my friend because I'm childless so perhaps I am BU.

OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 03/01/2018 17:03

I felt like this before I had my child. I had two friends from my uni group who insisted on their kids attending all our meet ups. It really does change the dynamics. Now I have a 6 month old I feel exactly the same and feel more comfortable suggesting child free meet ups as well. I find people permanently attached to their children incredibly dull and I think they are doing their kids no favour in the long term...

morningconstitutional2017 · 03/01/2018 17:04

I understand what you mean. You've lost that common thread and the children stop you from simply a having conversation like grown-ups. Constant interruptions can be annoying.

It's a shame to lose friends but maybe you have less in common now. All relationships shift and change.

saskiathewitch · 03/01/2018 17:04

Thank you for all these thoughts - It's really helpful to hear different opinions. When I babysit it's usually so they can go out on their own, to work dos or something special like a wedding reception. So not the kind of thing we'd ask them to like seeing a band or a nice dinner.

I do understand their priorities have changed and accept this! I think perhaps we are naturally growing apart.

OP posts:
Santasbigredbobblehat · 03/01/2018 17:05

These people sound like crashing bores to be honest.

Heh. I have a 2 and a 4 year old and we have people over regularly in the evening, and go out to meet friends at least once a month. I prefer chatting to people without their kids there, much more fun. I suppose your friends have become ‘those parents’, time for a cull perhaps?

Zatsuma · 03/01/2018 17:06

I have a few friends like that, they both work full time, and they'd rather spend weekends with their kids whilst they are little. Can't see anything wrong with that.

The lack of childcare and lack of sleep might also be very good reasons.

Marcine · 03/01/2018 17:09

Neither of you are wrong, you just have different preferences/expectations now.

Iloveacurry · 03/01/2018 17:13

I have two kids aged 7 and 9, happily married etc. I personally like going out occasionally in the evening with my girlfriends, and also when we can, together with my DH, either alone or with other couples. I enjoy adult time away from my kids! So I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

juneau · 03/01/2018 17:13

The lack of childcare and lack of sleep might also be very good reasons.

But their kids are 5 & 7! I can understand parents not wanting to be away from babies or being sleep deprived when they have DC under 2, but these are primary age. I know some people don't like to use babysitters, but you can always find someone you know if you ask around and agree to return the favour.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/01/2018 17:13

Perhaps you could suggest planning 2 meet ups. One with the kids and an adult thing as well. Just casually say you haven’t been out for a meal and proper catch up and would be great to go out as a 4. Or perhaps just you and female friend etc.

limon · 03/01/2018 17:16

Yabu. You don't have a right to their time. They may well be too knackered to honour evenings or they may just not want to be away from their kids. Their choice entirely.

lightcola · 03/01/2018 17:20

We’re unable to see friends as a couple because of the children due to no childcare. We’ve lost a few friends because of it which is sad.

Zatsuma · 03/01/2018 17:26

you can always find someone you know if you ask around and agree to return the favour

can you? Lucky you if you have a network of friends and family around. Can't you understand that not everybody has the same level of help.

Bahhhhhumbug · 03/01/2018 17:27

.My sister used be like this drove me to distraction. She would turn up at every event with a big silly grin on her face as she walked in with the three of them and say something like 'oh l hope you don't mind, love had to bring the kids the babysitter let me down or dh wasn't home in time or whatever. It was always blatantly obvious it was deliberate as she just loved showing them off and would talk about nothing else throughout the whole meet up/event/whatever. Nothing more boring l cut right down on seeing her. She permanently felll out with a lifelong friend who had the audacity to have a child free wedding.

Cornettoninja · 03/01/2018 17:29

It depends on how much you want the friendship to survive I suppose.

It's definitely worth trying to arrange an adult night specifically but if it doesn't happen then it's a case of sticking with it or cutting loose.

I'm coming from the perspective of having a two year old who is a nightmare to put to bed whose father hasn't managed it once yet and no other babysitters available. I think I'd be upset but ultimately accepting that the friendship wasn't strong enough in the first place.

Bahhhhhumbug · 03/01/2018 17:30

'I've'.... not 'love'

Capelin · 03/01/2018 17:32

OP, you are not being unreasonable, but neither is your friend. You both have the right to choose how you wish to spend your time, and it sounds like you have made different choices.

So you can now either:

  1. Accept this friendship is not what it used to be and allow it to drift
  2. Keep meeting up with them, accept/decline the child-friendly ideas as you wish, keep suggesting adult-only things but don't get offended if they decline. You may find that one of you changes your mind in the future and you go back to being good friends.
christmaspudding1 · 03/01/2018 17:35

cant think of anything worse than spending the evening at friends and their children (young)will be hanging around all night

some parents live their lives through there children,i often wonder what happens when they become teens or their relationship breaks up

you can have a adult life even with children

im not talking babes and toddlers thats more hands on and time needed

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/01/2018 17:36

If you think the friendship is drifting apart, might it be worth saying something to your friend, along the lines of “It would be lovely to see you on your own, no kids” - if she wants to maintain the friendship, she will understand this - and if she takes umbrage, you haven’t lost much.

Dragongirl10 · 03/01/2018 17:38

YANBU...It is very different and much more fun to meet up without kids, l was always delighted when mine (who l love dearly) went to bed, and we could go out and have some adult fun with friends, and no noisy kids to distract....

I was also aware that not everyone thought my children were so wonderful, they wanted them there....

.Your friends seem a bit insensitive to your feelings ...of course its up to them how they spend their time, but l would not want to go out with them with Dcs in tow all the time.

Have you tried saying that as much as you like days out with the kids, you miss quiet one on one chats over dinner, or alchol fuelled evenings with them....ask how they feel if they are adamant they only want to socialise with Dcs then you know.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/01/2018 17:39

Yanbu. My dc are 3 and 5 and I'd never invite my childless friends to a kids friendly event with them. I'd assume they wouldn't want to!

I like time with my children and time with my friends. Not together, unless we both have children who can play together.

CourtneyLoveIsMySpiritAnimal · 03/01/2018 17:43

I prefer chatting to people without their kids there, much more fun

Same. I love my kids but I also need solely adult company sometimes. And as much as I love dc, I realise that not everyone finds them as fascinating as I do.

Kids being present also changes the dynamic, especially when they are younger and used to being the centre of attention.

Zatsuma · 03/01/2018 17:44

What do posters suggest others do to be child-free in the evening? Spend a fortune on a babysitter? Again, not everyone has free childcare available!

When people work and relay on family to help out, they won't ask for help as well at the weekend!

PurpleDaisies · 03/01/2018 17:46

Why on earth couldn’t give and seven year olds be sent to their bedrooms so you could meet as adults at their house? I’ve done that with loads of friends with children of similar ages

Lizzie48 · 03/01/2018 17:46

You do say in your OP that the kids are not that well behaved. Perhaps that makes it hard for them to find babysitters easily. My DH and I are in that situation. Our DDs are adopted and the older one has Attachment Disorder, which makes her hard to handle in the evenings and we only ask a couple of people to babysit. Also, we don't get much time to ourselves, so when we go out on rare occasions, it's mostly as a couple.

It might be the case that if you still want to be friends with them, you'll have to settle for spending time with the wife on her own while her DH babysits. It will change in time.

Myzyllfta · 03/01/2018 17:49

I agree with you. They sound like a real pain. We don’t have free babysitters, nobody in either family has ever sat for us so we pay babysitters and go out. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t