How to make this fair....

[whatsfairisfair]

Help needed, DH works full time, either at home or overseas. I work FT with a 2 hour commute. We have DSS EOW. I am drowning in housework. DH will
Do the following, prepare and cook meals, do online food shop, pay standard bills, deal with pool, cut grass, do school pick up/drop off for DSS. This leaves me with the balance... laundry, cleaning, floors, kitchen, putting away groceries, meal planning, dishwasher, loading unloading, dealing with bedding (stripping etc) general tidying, extra bills (applying for finance etc), dealing with trades, (just finished building), gift buying .... bought all of his families gifts at Christmas + mine + our friends + dss mum...... gardening. I actually can't cope. Every few months I talk to DH, he promises to help more, doesn't mean anything by it ... he simply just forgets. I feel he will do what he is interested in, but nothing more. We are in the income bracket to afford a cleaner, I just begrudge the money ! If DH would just see the bigger picture then we wouldn't need to spend extra money on general housekeeping. Is he doing enough or AIBU and expecting too much?

Just get a cleaner as ye both have very busy schedules. Also best to keep weekends and free time to have time with dss. Ye are both doing lots and a cleaner would mostly reduce your burden.

Don't do it! If he wants family presents buying he'll have to do it. If he wants to make a meal he'll need clean pots.

And just suck it up and employ a cleaner.

Get the cleaner. If you arrange for the groceries to be delivered the cleaner may well be amenable to accepting the delivery and putting away for you too.

I really would get the cleaner if you can afford it. I find it a really good use of money as we are busy people and one thing less to do takes the edge off.

If he works overseas I guess you have to do everything while he's away so a cleaner would be useful I think. It sounds like you both do lots. I did the bulk of my Christmas shopping online this year which was amazing. I think the mental load if it all gets a bit much. Have you a shared calendar app? That way if one of you has a spare minute they can check some task off the list. Or at the very least you can see more clearly just how much each of you is doing and then justify your cleaner!

Intend to write ongoing lists ... big tasks and small one (that can get knocked over in a few minutes, like strip bed, empty dishwasher) but he ignores these. For example, he would start dinner before emptying dishwasher.... leaving me to do it while he does something he/we both enjoy. I'd much prefer to cook and prep, than take in a load of laundry or empty a dishwasher.....

It sounds fairly balanced to me? You are listing 'your' jobs but some of them are not a regular occurrence eg dealing with tradesmen or present shopping. Can you not find a job closer to home? The two hour commute must be exhausting.

It sounds like your DH does a lot already. Listing minor tasks like loading and unloading a dishwasher when there is only two of you and a dss every other week sounds lame.

He can pay for the cleaner to do his half.
A weekly 2 hour clean would do most of your list - floors etc.

But, mostly, if you're both out all day, how much mess can there be? 2 people's laundry must be about 2 loads per week? A breakfast bowl, plus dinner?

I would ignore those lists too.... too regimented, too controlling. Just get a cleaner for goodness sake!

My exH and I both worked FT with 3 young children. Yes it's exhausting but it should be manageable. If you're 'drowning in housework' you're doing too much of it.

He is easily doing his share.

Perhaps it’s more the notorious mental load that’s wearing you down?

get the cleaner who would also strip beds once a week and hang that washing
cleaner could also iron
2xweek 3 hours would keep your house spotless with 2 working adults and a visiting child, hire the cleaner Monday and Thursday - it would save you more than 6 hours a week

get hoover robot vacuum cleaner to do daily hoovering

We both workout daily, I wear corporate to work then change in the evening, add swimming gear plus towels ........ that's a lots of laundry. Meals are all from scratch so at at least 2 pots/bowls + plates. Daily. House is 4 bed, 2 bath, one powder, laundry, living, kitchen, dining, butlers pantry, den, theatre, alfresco + pool. We entertain a lot at the weekends so often have extra beds to flip. dSs has friends over so extra bedding to wash. So yes there is only two of us, but it's still a lot to do!

It seems perfectly balanced to me. If you feel your half is too much for you just get a cleaner. I'd personally feel fine with your workload, I also do a 2 hour commute and work full time, but have 3 children too so a heck of a lot more washing and mess to tidy up. If i didn't feel I was managing, I'd hire help.

ALTWOOO agree I think it's the mental load that's killing me .....

You have a theatre, pool and an 'alfresco' (whatever that is) yet no cleaner?

Give over OP

I have a cleaner and its so lovely walking into the house after its been cleaned, we both work full time. Given the other luxuries you mention in subsequent posts I can't understand why you have issues with getting a cleaner?

Sounds pretty eaksy peaksy to me as well. Get a cleaner if it will help with the load.

I know but being hard working is what has got us into this position ..... so I struggle to stop.

Get a cleaner or a gardener. One of these would make a big difference.

"theatre" is just a film room, not stage/wings/green room?

But, seriously, how does he do all meals and school drop-offs from abroad?

When he's not here I do drop off etc .... and I eat toast not meals

Get a cleaner. I have a two hour commute each way and my husband was fed up of doing more than his fair share, particularly as he works shifts. Its £12 ph for us, South East England, 2 up 2 down end of Terrace. We pay 2hours per fortnight for bathroom clean, floors, kitchen, mirrors, hoover upstairs and general tidy. We are not high earners but has meant we don't argue as much and really works out to a large glass of wine in a pub each a week to go without, which put the cost in perspective.
We also wash up the pans we use cooking as I use one of everything we have somehow and my husband will do a one pot thing and he resented having a pile of washing up after I cooked! Maybe whoever is cooking should do the unloading/loading of the dish washer too?

I agree that some of the stuff on your list is not daily stuff, like his school run and cooking so maybe it's more split by time rather than number of tasks?

I'm certainly not in a high earning bracket .
And I practically live on my own (DD there about 30% of the time) and I have a cleaner!
I just hate cleaning.
She comes along once a week for 2 hours and I know everything is done properly.
Please just get a cleaner.
Life is too short.