How to make this fair....

[whatsfairisfair]

Help needed, DH works full time, either at home or overseas. I work FT with a 2 hour commute. We have DSS EOW. I am drowning in housework. DH will
Do the following, prepare and cook meals, do online food shop, pay standard bills, deal with pool, cut grass, do school pick up/drop off for DSS. This leaves me with the balance... laundry, cleaning, floors, kitchen, putting away groceries, meal planning, dishwasher, loading unloading, dealing with bedding (stripping etc) general tidying, extra bills (applying for finance etc), dealing with trades, (just finished building), gift buying .... bought all of his families gifts at Christmas + mine + our friends + dss mum...... gardening. I actually can't cope. Every few months I talk to DH, he promises to help more, doesn't mean anything by it ... he simply just forgets. I feel he will do what he is interested in, but nothing more. We are in the income bracket to afford a cleaner, I just begrudge the money ! If DH would just see the bigger picture then we wouldn't need to spend extra money on general housekeeping. Is he doing enough or AIBU and expecting too much?

"Butler's pantry" yet you don't have a cleaner?! Oh come on!

I think it's crazy that two adults can't work full time and run a house, but if you're struggling and can afford it then I think you should just get a cleaner.

It is wonderful to come home from work to an immaculate house and a wardrobe full of laundered and ironed clothes; then you just need to split the remaining chores fairly.

In fact, employee someone to do the gardening and the pool too. Why not, if you can afford it? Freeing up time to do lovely things and removing a lot of stress is money well spent imo.

And FWIW the current set up does not sound particularly unfair. He does the online shop, you put the groceries away. He cooks the meals, you do the meal planning, and so on. If he is often abroad it would be difficult to establish a 50/50 split.

I hardly ever recommend getting a cleaner but in this case - definitely get a cleaner.

The only thing I picked up in your posts was starting to cook without first emptying the dishwasher. That's just lazy.

Get a cleaner and make DH deal with trades. I hate that job. Looks a bit like you’re doing the brain work and he does the grunt. But are you someone who would struggle giving up control? Be careful what you wish for!

Doesn't a house with those facilities require staff?

It seems very well balanced to me. You haven't replied, why can't you get a cleaner?

Why are you meal planning if it's your DH who orders the food? That doesn't really make sense.

I am sorry, but cleaning and dealing with laundry is not "mental load". If you are so exhausted, have a break from hosting at weekends, your posts sound like you are making your own life far more difficult than it needs.

I think unfortunately he's going to keep on taking you for granted as long as you keep doing it. I mean even the list writing is indicating it's your job to keep track of what needs doing.

You have to go on strike. How would he just make dinner if there are no clean pans to use as no one sorted the dishwasher?

Crap for you to live amongst the mess but might be the only way to make him see.

Who cleans the pool?

Get a bloomin' cleaner.

Do you know how fast I would hire a cleaner if I could afford it?
I tell you what, I'll do your cleaning etc for free if you let me come and live with you? Your house sounds amazing.
I wouldn't be any trouble, I could live in the 'butler's pantry'

I would stop listing, counting and comparing "tasks". It sounds exhausting and too regimented. Just get a cleaner in twice a week. You will both gravitate towards certain jobs /tasks and that's fine. There are only 2 adults in this house and DSS every other weekend? We all have sports kits to wash. Stop worrying and keeping score and get a cleaner you can trust.

Ok, so you don't have time to do the housework but you both have time to work out every day? Fair enough, but if you want that kind of lifestyle the you have to accept that you will need to pay for a cleaner. I don't understand people who martyr themselves over the domestic work and then complain about how stressed they are. Let go. You can afford help, so get some. Your DH does a fair whack of the work, I'd say the split is fair.

Don't buy presents for his friends and family though. He is an adult.

Another vote to get the cleaner!

Your quality of life would go up. What else would you spend the money on? Is it more important than a stress free living space?

When I had pnd with my first child we were a one income family living in a small terraced house. We sold our car just so we could afford a cleaner. Saved my sanity. Just bloody get one.

By choosing to not have a cleaner as a point of principle you are choosing to continue having a heavy work load around the house, and therefore choosing to continue having resentment for your dh.
Just get a cleaner. You will all be happier.

You haven't given any good reason why you don't, just said that you would resent spending money in that way... Surely a happy marriage is worth forty quid a week!

If you both work full time, and exercise after work, the house doesn't even need that much maintenance - there's no one in there to mess it up!

I call bullshit, sorry

A house like that with hostessing each weekend and no cleaner? Give over

Given your latest post, it's bonkers you don't have a cleaner.

I remember I used to feel the same as you, it just felt wrong to have a cleaner, but dh persuaded me the amount of 'pleasure' I would get from spending £20 on a cleaner fat outweighed the pleasure I got spending it on anything else.

Get a cleaner.
It will save this pointless unnecessary stressing.

Get a cleaner.
It will stop you being negative about your dh for something unnecessary.

I'd say get a cleaner, but also stop taking on so much mental load. Stop buying his family's gifts for him . Let him deal with your mutual friends/his friends and dss's mum .

And DH doesn't need to 'help' more. He's not a child helping Mummy. Tell him this. Tell him to act like an adult and stop 'forgetting' stuff. He'd have to remember if he lived alone, wouldn't he?

I’m sorry, but EOW there’s just the two of you. In a big house? Get a cleaner. You both work full-time, and this is something you need to make your life run easier.

I'm not seeing that list as evenly balanced at all.

• do online food shop from plan you have prepared for him - 20 minutes once a week using previous list as base
• pay standard bills - direct debits so only periodic checks to do
• deal with pool - outdoor is a Summer job, indoor is all year but needs the chemicals changing occasionally
• cut grass - Summer job, once a week even at peak season
• do school pick up/drop off for DSS - daily but it is his child!
• meal prep daily but you are doing the planning for him, the clearing up, dishwasher etc!

you pick up everything else including planning side of the finances?
so laundry (both personal and household), cleaning, gardening, washing floors, financial planning, a large part of what most people would consider meal prep, all the wifework and all the dealing with external trades?

Get a cleaner, he should bear more of the cost unless you agree it comes out of household income.

Stop doing his wifework - he can buy his own family cards/presents and arrange at least part of any social life

What is a powder room?

Are you in the UK?

I've just googled an alfresco and I don't think they're suited to the IK climate. It would be a bit chilly.

They seem to have them in Oz.

You can still be 'hard working' and have a cleaner.

It sounds like you make things a bit difficult for yourself though. Outing presents is something you can do slobbing about in front of the TV looking through Amazon.

Your life sounds miserable, get a cleaner and do some fun things without lists. You won't stay in your income bracket if you both burn out.