How to make this fair....

[whatsfairisfair]

Help needed, DH works full time, either at home or overseas. I work FT with a 2 hour commute. We have DSS EOW. I am drowning in housework. DH will
Do the following, prepare and cook meals, do online food shop, pay standard bills, deal with pool, cut grass, do school pick up/drop off for DSS. This leaves me with the balance... laundry, cleaning, floors, kitchen, putting away groceries, meal planning, dishwasher, loading unloading, dealing with bedding (stripping etc) general tidying, extra bills (applying for finance etc), dealing with trades, (just finished building), gift buying .... bought all of his families gifts at Christmas + mine + our friends + dss mum...... gardening. I actually can't cope. Every few months I talk to DH, he promises to help more, doesn't mean anything by it ... he simply just forgets. I feel he will do what he is interested in, but nothing more. We are in the income bracket to afford a cleaner, I just begrudge the money ! If DH would just see the bigger picture then we wouldn't need to spend extra money on general housekeeping. Is he doing enough or AIBU and expecting too much?

Omg, get a cleaner!!

Trust me, it'll save future arguments, just get one.

Cooking was listed as his one daily task. That isn't happening when he is away

It will, as he'll be cooking for himself wherever he lives the other 6 month of the year. As he will be shopping, cleaning, doing his own laundry. Y'all seem to be conveniently forgetting that while OP is looking after herself while he is away, so is he.

Get a cleaner and get over yourself.

Glad you’re getting a cleaner. Also work out at a gym that supplies towels, that’ll cut your laundry significantly.

It will, as he'll be cooking for himself wherever he lives the other 6 month of the year

That would be true if he rents someone to live for the duration. I'm assuming from the OP's wording its in blocks. So it depends which is true.

I'm the traveler in my relationship and we stay in hotels (no work for me at all) or serviced apartments (so I cook for myself some nights but housekeeper does the cleaning, linens etc). That is pretty typical.

I've also done every task on both those lists many times (although sadly, other people's pools rather than my own). I know where the work is in those tasks and its not a 50/50 by a long shot when he is there.

There are tasks on the OP's list which could be done by a traveler - I increase those tasks when I'm away a lot as I can't do the daily stuff.

I've googled and an alfresco is not a fancy patio. More like fancy decking.

Being hard working has got you into this position 😂 If only the rest of Mumsnet was not so lazy.

The point, which I thought was fairly obvious, is that the tasks the DH does are not simply less than half, they are completed for less then half the year. So do you think he should do 100% when he is home? If an adult living alone can't manage to cook a meal, tidy up and do the washing then there is a problem and it isn't the person who has to work away.

Get a cleaner.
Assign tasks clearly, from now you DH is responsible for x, y, z. If he "forgets" and one of the tasks needs to be done, just remind him but don't do it. After a couple of days/weeks he will remember this tadk is his.

Thank you to all who have taken the time to respond. I find it interesting that many posters seem to think he does his fair share. The mental load is a great article, I have sent it to him in the past. (Nothing has changed ....) I guess I would be happier if some evenings I cooked while he did laundry etc as he seems to do more of the enjoyable tasks. Guess it's up to me to find the cleaner then ....

So the main problem is, he chooses which tasks he wants to do and leaves you with the rest?

Yeah, I feel like he cherry pics the chores he enjoys. While I'm left scrubbing the loo !

Honestly, if I was your DH I would begrudge what he already does. If you can afford a cleaner/gardener why would you spend you time on this stuff? I just imagine what you would get out if the extra £50 a week.

I agree with RebeccaBunch. He could do more. Stop doing his laundry or buying his presents.
It also feels like you are trying to squeeze 36 hours worth of stuff into a 24 hour day. 2 hour commute, work out, socialising every weekend, cleaning a massive house. Something has to give. What's the point of working hard for a beautiful home you then don't have time to enjoy? Don't just get a cleaner, see what else you can outsource or change about your life to free up more time.

Yeah, I feel like he cherry pics the chores he enjoys. While I'm left scrubbing the loo Well discuss what you do then. Do you like cooking? My SIL does the cooking as my DD doesn't like cooking. I hate ironing, when I was a working mum I paid someone to do it, my DIL loves ironing and finds it relaxing, until I met her I never imagined anyone loved ironing.

Your life sounds quite joyless the way you describe it. Have you ever hung out in the kitchen, maybe while you empty the dishwasher, and chat while he cooks? Do you ever go present shopping together, maybe no entertaining one weekend and a big shopping trip with a nice lunch out? It all sounds so negative except that he likes cooking.

My life is far from joyless ....... interesting comment. I'll often potter in the kitchen while he cooks, but will often get on chores while he does that. Like chucking gym stuff into wash or making my lunch for the next day. I guess he just does what he wants to do. When I talk to him about it he gets very defensive... saying things like, what more do you want me to do etc.

Then maybe tell him it's not about more it's about different? That you are sick of the sight of the washing machine and you would like him to be responsible for (say) laundering the household linen and in exchange you'll cook a couple of dinners a week? It should be possible to divide the jobs up so that everyone gets a share of the "nice" jobs and a share of the most boring ones.