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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to make this fair....

118 replies

whatsfairisfair · 03/01/2018 09:15

Help needed, DH works full time, either at home or overseas. I work FT with a 2 hour commute. We have DSS EOW. I am drowning in housework. DH will
Do the following, prepare and cook meals, do online food shop, pay standard bills, deal with pool, cut grass, do school pick up/drop off for DSS. This leaves me with the balance... laundry, cleaning, floors, kitchen, putting away groceries, meal planning, dishwasher, loading unloading, dealing with bedding (stripping etc) general tidying, extra bills (applying for finance etc), dealing with trades, (just finished building), gift buying .... bought all of his families gifts at Christmas + mine + our friends + dss mum...... gardening. I actually can't cope. Every few months I talk to DH, he promises to help more, doesn't mean anything by it ... he simply just forgets. I feel he will do what he is interested in, but nothing more. We are in the income bracket to afford a cleaner, I just begrudge the money ! If DH would just see the bigger picture then we wouldn't need to spend extra money on general housekeeping. Is he doing enough or AIBU and expecting too much?

OP posts:
Cath2907 · 03/01/2018 11:18

Get a cleaner.

Zatsuma · 03/01/2018 11:18

whiskyowl did you miss the post where the OP describes how her DH already does half? Grin

Advising her to think about divorce is a bit extreme. I do like the fact that you have to push the notion sexual abuse in such a thread, even in a different context. It says it all really

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2018 11:27

whiskyowl did you miss the post where the OP describes how her DH already does half?

I read that post as him doing significantly less than half. The one daily task he does (meal prep) is being planned, unpacked and cleared up for by the OP - that is at least half the work in my house.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2018 11:27

Posted too soon - was going to add that I'm sure they have a lot of lovely shelves in the house

Original poster
whatsfairisfair · 03/01/2018 11:33

So to answer some questions ..... yes I'm getting a cleaner and DH works away about 6 months a year (not including weekends)

OP posts:
RebeccaBunch · 03/01/2018 11:33

did you miss the post where the OP describes how her DH already does half?
Yep I missed this - where is it please?

Justanothernap · 03/01/2018 11:43

granny are you OP's husband? (I'm kidding of course!) I see your point husband is clearly contributing.

I just noticed the bit in OPs post where she said she's tried talking to him & no dice & that he cherry picks the housework they enjoy (cooking) & leaves the stuff they don't like to her (that's how it read to me anyway.) So she seemed a bit stuck.

Anyway OPs getting a cleaner now, which seems like a sensible choice.

Emmasmum2013 · 03/01/2018 12:30

@whatsfairisfair Hoorah! Good to hear it :)
Bit gutted you didn't take me up on my offer though Wink

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2018 12:39

So to answer some questions ..... yes I'm getting a cleaner and DH works away about 6 months a year (not including weekends)

So in reality, even the tasks he does do are left to you for about 6 months of the year? Definitely get that cleaner and ideally one who will have enough hours to do laundry.

Original poster
whatsfairisfair · 03/01/2018 12:41

@emmasmum .... when are you moving in ?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2018 13:00

As an aside if applying for additional finance is significant enough to list in the chores room yet you clearly live in a lovely large house and entertain lots- maybe you need to move somewhere smaller and then there will be less cleaning to do anyway

grannytomine · 03/01/2018 14:47

So in reality, even the tasks he does do are left to you for about 6 months of the year? Definitely get that cleaner and ideally one who will have enough hours to do laundry How unreasonable of him, he should fly in every night to cook a meal, any decent husband would. More seriously if the OP is living alone for 6 months of the year then obviously for 6 months of the year she looks after herself, single people do it 12 months of the year.

ExConstance · 03/01/2018 14:55

You MUST get a cleaner. I can think of nothing that has enhanced our life more. Before we spent weekends cleaning, because neither of us are very good at it or enjoy it much it took forever. Now we just get up and do whatever we want. We don't argue but somehow there is also now much more sweetness and light in our relationship. We both work full time in jobs where there are some out of hours commitments.

Rudgie47 · 03/01/2018 15:01

I think your husband is a lazy bastard basically, this is where the issue is. If it was me I'd be saying do more or f off. Even if you end up on your own in a smaller house it would be better than being with someone who doesnt value your time as much as his own.
Just have a think about if you became really ill, like if you had a very serious illness, this man will not be there to help you if hes not prepared to help out now.

heateallthebuns · 03/01/2018 15:05

Get a cleaner if you earn more per hour than you would pay a cleaner.

CurryWorst · 03/01/2018 15:06

I think your husband is a lazy bastard basically, this is where the issue is. If it was me I'd be saying do more or f off

He works abroad six months of the year, is he meant to commute back to do OP's laundry and washing up? Hmm

What a stupid question. You are clearly extremly loaded, so just pay someone to do the cleaning and the laundry.

BritInUS1 · 03/01/2018 15:09

I think the actual work split sounds fairly balanced

I'm not sure it's fair for him to take on more

However, I would look at getting some help, a cleaner, a gardener, someone to sort out the pool

thatstoast · 03/01/2018 15:16

Get a cleaner if you earn more per hour than you would pay a cleaner

I actually earn slightly less than the hourly rate for a cleaner. However I've found a great cleaner and they can achieve in two hours what would probably take me a whole day of faffing.

I'm going to Google an alfresco. I hope it's just a fancy patio.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2018 15:32

How unreasonable of him, he should fly in every night to cook a meal,

The point, which I thought was fairly obvious, is that the tasks the DH does are not simply less than half, they are completed for less then half the year.

Unless of course the grass conveniently stops growing or the bills stop coming in whilst he is away. The only difference to the OP is the quantity of food to be cooked.

So whereas I would have said from the original descirption the split was nearer to 75/25 (OP/DH) its actually worse than that.

supersop60 · 03/01/2018 15:40

OP is getting a cleaner.
Keep up.
Well done OP.

CurryWorst · 03/01/2018 15:41

Unless of course the grass conveniently stops growing or the bills stop coming in whilst he is away. The only difference to the OP is the quantity of food to be cooked

When he is away he doesn't need cooking for, cleaning after, laundry done, shopping for etc. And yes, the bills will go down as well.

75/25 is fair if the person doing the 25 is not there 50% of the time. Its exactly how it should be.

FluffyWuffy100 · 03/01/2018 15:42

Meh, you're just being a martyr.

I work out and have to wash my towel EVERY DAY. No you don't, Use the same towel or buy yourself 7 microfiber towels and do one wash of those a week.

Oh boo hoo we entertain and I have too many beds to change.

Get a cleaner 2x a week for something like 3h a time and they can do all that stuff for you.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2018 15:53

When he is away he doesn't need cooking for, cleaning after, laundry done, shopping for etc. And yes, the bills will go down as well.

Cooking was listed as his one daily task. That isn't happening when he is away. Ordering shopping to a meal plan prepared by the OP was his weekly task (unless they shop fortnightly). The house still needs cleaning and laundry done. IME houses of two need pretty much as much cleaning when one person is away. The laundry does not drop by half.

75/25 was my estimate based on him being there. He is doing 25% when he is there, nothing when he is away. So he is doing about 25% for six months of the year, 0% for the other 6 months. He also isn't doing any of the 'wifework'.

Cleaner and gardener make sense in that situation but lets not pretend he is doing his full share when he is there.

ourkidmolly · 03/01/2018 15:55

This is some bullshit. Alfresco my arse.

Dietcokebae · 03/01/2018 16:01

I think if you can afford it, you should pay for a cleaner - it changed my life when I did and I think it is the best money I ever spent. My husband is lovely and does try to do his share, but somehow it always ended up being me who did more. Having a cleaner gave us back a huge amount of time to spend doing things we like, and it saves me the repetitive and exhausting emotional labour of trying to ensure we both do an equal share.

It might seem like an expensive way to resolve the problem but really you just have to ask yourself what you value more - money, or time. If time is the answer, and you're in a position to pay for it, then you should hire a cleaner.

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