How to make this fair....

[whatsfairisfair]

Help needed, DH works full time, either at home or overseas. I work FT with a 2 hour commute. We have DSS EOW. I am drowning in housework. DH will
Do the following, prepare and cook meals, do online food shop, pay standard bills, deal with pool, cut grass, do school pick up/drop off for DSS. This leaves me with the balance... laundry, cleaning, floors, kitchen, putting away groceries, meal planning, dishwasher, loading unloading, dealing with bedding (stripping etc) general tidying, extra bills (applying for finance etc), dealing with trades, (just finished building), gift buying .... bought all of his families gifts at Christmas + mine + our friends + dss mum...... gardening. I actually can't cope. Every few months I talk to DH, he promises to help more, doesn't mean anything by it ... he simply just forgets. I feel he will do what he is interested in, but nothing more. We are in the income bracket to afford a cleaner, I just begrudge the money ! If DH would just see the bigger picture then we wouldn't need to spend extra money on general housekeeping. Is he doing enough or AIBU and expecting too much?

I think you are more "hard working" when you have a cleaner and can concentrate on your job and sport instead of wasting time dusting and changing your pillow cases

What is a powder room?

Used to be a euphemism for the bog to spare a lady's blushes.

Maybe it means a posh bog now.

Give your DH a kicking. Because it simply isn't fair for him to outsource all of his domestic responsibilities to you. It's exploitative, and oppressive. This is a deal-breaker, and you need to be prepared to walk if he doesn't shape up.

a bit extreme whiskyowl...

Some posters really need to work on their own issues before advising others

It sounds like you both do quite a lot. Cooking every day and being in charge of food shopping take more time for me than other house work jobs to be honest! Though I do everything because I work school hours - lucky me!!

Get a cleaner.

And stop doing things that your adult DH can do himself (eg gift buying)

In your situation I would get a gardener and cleaner so I could enjoy my life a bit more.

What is a powder room?
Americanism for downstairs toilet. Also known as "cloakroom", bizarrely! I've never seen a cloak in one.

Toilet, lavatory, dunny, loo, outhouse, little boy's room, little girl's room

Sorry - had an irresistible urge to talk toilets as 'powder room' is such an out-dated term here in the UK. I'm guessing you're US OP?

Whisky erm.... massive over-reaction!

Stop buying his family gifts.
Give cash instead.
Get a cleaner and a gardener.
Cooking includes cleaning all kitchen areas, ports, dishwasher etc. So let him do that.

Sorry mean let your dh sort out his families gifts and for yourself give cash.
I find children above a certain age prefer this as do their parents.

Hire a cleaner. Cheaper than divorce and if you’re both in work surely you can find the money somewhere

Get a cleaner or maybe even a housekeeper. (I’m still not quite sure what the difference is in the U.K... tbh. I think ours might be a bit off both?) and a gardener. There are some brilliant gardening services.
Both of you should pay for this.

You both do a lot but you clearly do more. So, whilst making it fair is a good idea... I honestly don’t think that both of you doing all these tasks is the best solution.
Work, commute, sports, housework, finances, children... that’s imo simply too much.

However, stop buying his presents etc. That really is something he should do.

'You have a theatre, pool and an 'alfresco' (whatever that is) yet no cleaner?'

Get a cleaner, a gardener and chill out fgs in your pool or 'alfresco'.

user

Cooking every day and being in charge of food shopping take more time for me

Do you think it would still take longer if you were ordering online to a meal plan created by someone else and if someone else was doing all you clearing up/cleaning up/washing up during prep? And someone else is putting all the shopping away for you?

I honestly found planning the meals for the week took a lot longer than ordering the shopping to that plan. It also took me longer to put it all away than to order it. I also find that at least half of meal prep time is all the clearing up!

you live in a big house, and change your clothes 3-4 times a day. Of course there is going to be a lot of effort in maintaining all that. And if you aren't going to outsource it then you and your H will have to do it.

These are the reasons lots of people turn to minimalism - because they realise having all the stuff, in a big house takes all their time and effort to run, and they wake up and think its simply not worth it. They start making different choices.

Lots of good advice here - I just wanted to add you might want to look at your language. You talk of your H "helping out" - like it is all your work and he kindly "helps" you with it. And it's not like he isn't doing anything - he is doing quite a lot, but your lifestyle and home is high maintenance. Someone has to do it.

In your position, I would hire a good cleaner to come regularly and help you both keeping this all ticking over. It's going to cost you in time or money to keep life as you like it.

Re the mental load, this comic nails it:
www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

A butler’s pantry but no domestic staff?

Truly you are failing at life op.

Get a cleaner if that is what is wearing you out. When I was working fulltime with 4 kids I got someone to do the ironing as that is what I hated. My husband is disabled so 30 years since he could help. I now pay someone to do the garden. If buying gifts isn't a fun thing then tell him next year you are just getting people vouchers and if he isn't happy then he can do his own thing. Don't you ever go present shopping together?

I don't think it is terribly unbalanced though if he is doing the online shopping and cooking meals, dealing with bills, pool and grass cutting. Honestly laundry isn't a big deal if you have an automatic washing machine, you just load it and leave it and then either peg stuff out or throw it in the dryer, it isn't like you are handwashing everything. Emptying the dishwasher, again is that such a big deal? Stripping the beds isn't exactly every day thing.

Maybe think of cleaning and stripping beds as a workout? So one day a week don't go and do the workout and actually do some work in the house that is a workout in itself.

Honestly? Pay a cleaner or cook/housekeeper out of joint funds. You both lead extremely busy lives, your DH does a reasonable number of chores and if it's not enough then pay a professional to zip through them for you both. He works hard already, so do you, so if there are a bunch of chores that neither of you enjoy doing then why not pay someone else to do them? You "begrudge" them the money? Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Oh, and don't do his family's Christmas presents. Just do your own. If he doesn't do them then they don't get done, end of story.

Rebecca

Thank you for posting this comic. I needed to read this.

I need to do better / contribute more. But - as much as it may sound like an excuse and it’s not a reason to keep things like they currently are - it just kind of... happened.

You have to go on strike. How would he just make dinner if there are no clean pans to use as no one sorted the dishwasher? If he didn't make dinner there wouldn't be anything in the dishwasher. Let's be fair he isn't sitting back and doing nothing. The thing on that list that I would hate to do is cutting the grass (bet is isn't a small garden) and looking after the pool. Having someone cook dinner for me would be heaven. Changing the beds I hardly notice, my Christmas visitors left yesterday and I stripped all the beds and washed a pile of towels while I was also playing board games with GC, going out for lunch, wasting time on here and doing post Christmas catch ups with friends on the phone/internet.

OP obviously needs some help for whatever reason but no need to pretend husband is doing nothing.

Honestly laundry isn't a big deal if you have an automatic washing machine, you just load it and leave it and then either peg stuff out or throw it in the dryer, it isn't like you are handwashing everything. Emptying the dishwasher, again is that such a big deal? Stripping the beds isn't exactly every day thing.

A lot of housework etc is easy, technically, but that's not the point; the point is the DH here just doesn't think to do it and 'forgets' even if he's told. It's mental load, wifework, responsibility, whatever you want to call it.

My DP is sometimes guilty of not thinking about stuff like this; I look ahead and always have a decent idea of where I am/we are with clean clothes etc, but if I'm extra-busy or just decide not to bother with laundry for a bit, he'll have a sudden panic when he realises he's run out of underwear and he'll bundle a ginormous wash on and practically stand over his pants and socks waiting for them to be dry enough for him to put on.

I think it's pathetic in a grown adult. I've told him so. It doesn't really affect me though because I have more pants and socks than him . But you take my point about the 'thinking ahead'.

zatsuma - au contraire, I have a DH who does his share, and I'm a published author of peer-reviewed papers on the subject of housework. So, far from having "issues", I feel pretty qualified to speak on this subject. Too many women are trapped in marriages where they are basically forced to do a demeaning amount of menial work on top of waged work and childcare. We need to set a new normal and that means kicking the male arseholes who think this is acceptable to the kerb.

(It is perfectly possible for those possessed of a penis to do housework, and to a decent standard. I have empirical evidence to prove this . Instead of being pathetically grateful for crumbs of time and effort from the male table, we need to demand equality of housework and mental load as a fundamental right. We need a shift that is similar to that which has occurred in recent times over sexual relations: behaviour that was common and acceptable in the 70s and 80s is now, rightly, termed harrassment and not tolerated. Well, we need the same kind of shift in the domestic sphere, for the labour of social reproduction).

He works away some of the time, OP doesn't make it clear how much, he isn't some bloke who is doing nothing. Doing all the cooking is a big thing, he orders the shopping etc. The list might need tweaking and OP might need to think what is important e.g. maybe cut back on entertaining as that is more work than changing the beds.

I wonder if the mental overload is financial? Living what sounds quite a luxurious lifestyle but applying for additional finance is a job worth listing? Maybe that is part of it, if so then cutting back a bit to find the money for a cleaner would be worth it.