I asked my guest to leave my home.

[bubblesdrew]

We built a house a couple of fields away from some neighbours.

I met the husband at the local shop a couple of months after we got settled & after some chat asked if him and his wife would like to join us, friends & family for a New Years Eve dinner.

His wife and himself arrived that night and they were initially great. During conversation she asked for a tour of the house and I said no (not in a rude way). 20 minutes later she said again that she would like a tour of the house and again I said no. Then a THIRD time she asked and at that point my husband stepped in and said that there wouldn't be a tour.

She used the bathroom numerous times in the night which is located under the stairs. My niece was in our room at the top of the stairs past the closet which eventually leads into the master bedroom.

This woman had climbed the stairs later in the night when she asked to be excused for the bathroom went through my closet and into the master bedroom. My niece flew down and told my husband who marched upstairs and quietly asked her to leave. She claimed she was lost but, she had used the bottom bathroom all night!!
Should I have given her a tour or was she being completely unreasonable?

Frankly my dear, you sound very judgemental calling MN posters who don't agree with your views socially anxious, unaware, introverted etc. You sound like this has all touched you a bit! It's ok nobody is calling you specifically, a nosy busy body

This thread is amazing. I have never come across anyone who would be offended by a request for a house tour. Even the easiest of friends has happily walked me round a half finished bathroom. We all like houses round here and don't consider 'going upstairs' as intimate /unchartered territory. I reckon quite a lot of people like wandering round houses. Backed up by the popularity of house design type programmes.

I have a very normal 3 bedroom semi. I don't have a cleaner or a castle. And yet I wouldn't see a tour as an infringement of my privacy. Hell, I would probably even ask an friend/acquaintance/ Sainsburys delivery driver their opinion on what colour I should paint the walls.

This is what the op wrote about why she said to Wander Woman:

“ I wrote that the 'No' was in no way rude. “
“The first time I was taking food out of the oven. We were in a group chatting about something to do with the house and mess and she asked if I would do a tour and I laughed and said no. In no way blunt or rude.”

There's no need to get so defensive. I'm genuinely not judging anyone, simply making an observation based on my experience of MN.

That was to GB^^

I’ll be moving to a large house at some point, I’ll show my close friends around it if they want to, but I wouldn’t show someone I don’t know!

I certainly wouldn’t have agreed to the tour as in this thread and actually, I’ll make sure my No responses are as clear as crystal, not dulled by excuses or softening.

Very well said Golden.

Anyway OP, welcome to village life. I'm guessing your name is mud thanks to wander woman.

lol why would you kindly invite guests over to get to know them if you're so introverted

There are examples all over this forum, of people who are not experienced at socialising, attempting it, and it going wrong in amusing ways - this thread being a case in point.

I wouldn't expect anything from my host, but if guests asked specifically to see my house, I wouldn't refuse. I don't have any reason to, and they're welcome to see it if they want.

I think the OP WNBU to refuse to give a tour of her house because
a) she was busy with her food preparation/chatting to others
b) this woman was a complete stranger she had never met before

The guest was unreasonable to ask three times, she should have accepted the first refusal.

Personally I am not super tidy and would cringe if anyone unexpectedly asked to look round my house

I think the OP may well find though that her guest will be regaling the local community with lurid descriptions of her closet and how there must be something fishy as OP seems to have something to hide ...

Why is everyone suddenly using this 'cultural' label to describe their house tour preferences? Is it supposed to render your habits some sort of protected characteristic?

because it is actually cultural?

@FinnegansCake
I think the OP may well find though that her guest will be regaling the local community with lurid descriptions of her closet and how there must be something fishy as OP seems to have something to hide ...

Ha ha ha, this is turning into Midsomer Murders Meets Hyacinth Bucket, minus the murders.

Why is everyone suddenly using this 'cultural' label to describe their house tour preferences? Is it supposed to render your habits some sort of protected characteristic?

It's because people are so quick to say 'that's so unbelievably rude' without accepting that what some people consider rude, other people consider to be good manners. At risk of opening up another favourite mumsnet can of worms, the shoes on vs shoes off is a good example of this. I was raised to believe that it was incredibly bad manners to take your shoes off in someone else's house. You might as well strip naked and wipe your backside on the sofa, it is such a social faux pas. Yet often on mumsnet, taking your shoes off at the front door is declared to be basic decency, manners and only a foul human being who is lacking in respect for others would consider crossing the threshold of someone's house with their shoes on. We can't both be right. And we can't both be wrong either. So the only explanation is that manners depend on what is expected by those around you, rather than being absolute rules.

I think it's wonderful that people are comfortable showing people around - what I don't like is the posters assuming people who don't do it or don't like people expecting it , as somehow deficient in social skills or decorum

*are

@treaclesoda
So the only explanation is that manners depend on what is expected by those around you, rather than being absolute rules.

Yes. It gets even trickier when you go abroad. If you are ever invited over by people in a foreign country you need to know what 'the rules' are. In some cultures it is OK to keep your shoes on in someone's house, in other cultures this is not done/rude.
Similar rules exist when people abroad invite you for dinner at their house, etc.

I get you want to look around a stately home. I get a castle and I do get an extension or lift conversion for close family and any friends who are interested.

I don’t get anyone putting a foot over another persons threshold being immediately invited to tour a normal everyday house. It would just embaress and bore me.

I think the ops neighbour was shockingly rude.

Aibu is a debate. It’s ok to disagree. Each to their own.

Although I have to see a distinct lack of sense of humour and defensiveness about the ‘tourers’ who I imagine in RL May take themselves and their houses a little too seriously.

I don't know about 'cultural'. Unless the other person is very close to you, it strikes me as a bit Hyacinth Bucket-ish to give tours of normal houses, or to expect them.

Perhaps we are just more interested in our friends and family and by extention their new homes?

That doesn't work, Curryworst. It's my friends and family I'm interested in, not their possessions.

I wouldn't be happy giving people a tour of my home, unless I offered, as usually it's covered in muddy boots, very untidy and DH and I picked our home for our family and our comfort, not because we're interested in showing it off. Going into your bedroom is ridiculously rude- she should be the mortified one, not you!

@flossie4 No, it was a quiet exchange. A very apologetic husband and they made their excuses that they had to head home (as to not embarrass anyone) & that was it! We waved them off and they said goodbye to everyone as they left although I could tell she was a little mortified I didn't say one nasty thing.

He asked them to leave because of the previous exchanges. I clearly said no. We all agreed. Nobody but, us & them know! Suppose Mumsnet too...

*OP, are you one of those Irish that build a MASSIVE house but you and your husband have normal jobs like a nurse and a mechanic?

All my Irish friends live in big houses! I swear I'm not exaggerating.*

My Irish friend lived in a massive house. Even the garage was bigger than the average-sized English house. There was a tractor in the corner of the garage, and you barely noticed it. Most of the house wasn't finished though, and the bits that were mostly didn't work properly!

Her dad had built it himself, but kept going abroad to work, so never had time to finish it. Her brother then inherited it.

I think it's the dichotomy of asking strangers over for dinner which IS intimate, private , personal...and then denying them to see the house you invited them

I think that's an odd interpretation of what a dinner is - or alternatively, an odd interpretation of intimate, private and personal. If, say, I invite someone I work with for dinner, it's a step up from a work relationship but isn't intimate or particularly private, and it's no more personal than going out with them for a restaurant meal. But taking them to see my own or my child's bedroom is definitely getting into intimacy territory, and is a step too far.

I also struggle with the idea that demanding to see someone's bedroom isn't an invasion of privacy. My bedroom is pretty personal to me, and is my territory: I don't want relative strangers checking out my choice of make-up, nor do I want to have to tidy my room as well as everywhere else in the house.

I think it's wonderful that people are comfortable showing people around - what I don't like is the posters assuming people who don't do it or don't like people expecting it , as somehow deficient in social skills or decorum

But why do you care so much? And so defensive? I couldn't give a shit if people don't understand the practice. It's been explained to you that no-one is expecting it per se - simply that it's commonplace in some social circles. So someone offering or requesting a tour wouldn't cause a panic attack in kitchen. It wouldn't make them uptight and start wittering about 'special privileges', and asking them to leave.

The fact that some people are apparently completely unaware of the practice, that it has had to be explained repeatedly to an uncomprehending and incredulous response, suggests that those people not widely experienced at socialising.