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Original poster

Is this too much alcohol?

111 replies

Toomuchornot · 02/01/2018 12:32

I've namechanged for this as it's a bit sensitive.

I'm increasingly concerned that dh might be drinking excessively. He drinks most nights, say a couple of craft beers plus a bottle or two of wine at the weekend. Never spirits. He goes out with friends every few weeks or so and they drink a lot (but I don't check up, but if I ask, I now think he lies to me).

I've always put it down to letting of steam and normal. Now we have the dc (12, 14 and 7) I drink maybe half a bottle of wine when out with friends, occasionally more but usually a lot less. I might have a glass of wine at the weekend.

What concerned me was that these same friends came over during Christmas for a get together and dh drank 7 bottles of craft beer plus a bottle of white wine and a small whiskey. He was absolutely fine the next day. I think that's the amount they might drink when out as dh didn't seem very drunk or even slightly hungover. I'm quite shocked but the group of friends all seemed to think was normal.

Whenever I suggest he cuts down drinking ( for health or cost forr example) he really hates it and gets defensive. He has never gone more than a couple of days without drink. However I do respect that its his choice hate the role of nagging wife.

His upbringing was centred around alcohol and the male members of his family all get drunk regularly and tell stories of their hilarious behaviour. I have drawn a line that they do not do this in front of the dc and do not bang on about their hangovers and drunk story of falling asleep in door ways etc.

Is this too much?

Generally dh is a good family man who works hard and is good with the dc (although his career has very much taken centre stage, so he's not hands-on during the week).

He loves having friends round, cooking for them and drinking. As do I. But im increasingly uncomfortable with the amount of alcohol consumed.

Am I overreacting or do you think there might be a problem?

OP posts:
Pickleypickles · 02/01/2018 12:38

I dont think its a healthy lifestyle but i dont think he is an alcoholic either. So long as its not impacting fanily life (too hungover to do things on the weekend the kods etc.) then i think you need to relax a little bit.

LemonShark · 02/01/2018 12:42

If he can drink that much (and mixed drinks at that) and feel fine next day he's clearly built up quite a tolerance to alcohol. Doesn't surprise me based on daily drinking.

You don't sound like you have compatible views on alcohol in a relationship, and it'll continue to cause tension as the only way to solve it is for you to magically be okay with his intake or him to reduce drastically and not resent you for it. Neither seem likely.

Everyone's boundaries with alcohol are different but I know I'd never want to be with someone who drank almost every day, or got drunk more than once in a while. It's just not what I want in a partner to me and father to my potential future children. You're not wrong to feel this way, but I dunno what you can actually do about it other than look into going to some al anon sessions alone or couples counselling together. He's drinking way way over the safe guidelines and it's going to be hazardous to his health and have possible ramifications for your children's relationship with alcohol and maybe even their sense of security.

Original poster
Toomuchornot · 02/01/2018 12:42

Thanks Pickly. That's a huge relief to read actually.

I'm not much of a drinker these days (I used to be, but always more into drugs in my twenties than booze) so my judgement is skewed I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchornot · 02/01/2018 12:45

Lemon - thank you. I've tried and mostly succeed in being okay with it. But I don't want him to damage his health. And he does have quite a beer belly (which I don't find unattractive but isn't good for health reasons)

OP posts:
Clandestino · 02/01/2018 12:50

I don't agree with Pickly. He is most definitely an alcoholic, just a functioning alcoholic but an alcoholic nevertheless.
Just because he's not falling all over the place doesn't mean he's not addicted to alcohol and he probably has some alcohol levels in his blood 24/7 judging by the amount he drinks so the persona you see is probably his drug influenced persona, plus he has built up a big tolerance to alcohol.
He's still an addict and I personally would be really unhappy if I lived in one household with a person like this.

LemonShark · 02/01/2018 12:52

There is no black and white yes or no answer to 'is someone an alcoholic?' IMO, it's more 'does this person have a relationship with alcohol that's causing them problems?' Whether work or financial or personal, and 'do they struggle to control or stop drinking?'. I would wager that someone who drinks every single night has a problem with alcohol if it is causing conflict in their relationship or finances and they find it difficult to cut down. I know it's massively cultural though.

cardibach · 02/01/2018 12:53

Clandestino what’s your evidence that he is ‘definitely’ an alcoholic?

PurpleDaisies · 02/01/2018 12:54

He is most definitely an alcoholic, just a functioning alcoholic but an alcoholic nevertheless.

How can you possibly know that?

Original poster
Toomuchornot · 02/01/2018 12:55

It's not causing him a problem at work and he's generally fine at the weekend, albeit sometimes tired.

It was the fact that he could drink that much and be ok that scared me. That this was normal for a night out iyswim.

OP posts:
Ashamedandblamed · 02/01/2018 12:55

He is dependent on alcohol, therefore an alcoholic.

PurpleDaisies · 02/01/2018 12:57

It was the fact that he could drink that much and be ok that scared me.

You can’t read too much into that. Some people are just really lucky not to get hangovers.

Can you work out approximately how many units he’s drinking a week?

PurpleDaisies · 02/01/2018 12:58

He is dependent on alcohol, therefore an alcoholic.

Is he? How do you know that?

Hatsoffdear · 02/01/2018 12:58

he is most defiantly an alcoholic

What a ridiculous statement.

Op I think maybe small steps here concentrating on his health so perhaps 2 alcohol free days a week?

His upbringing and attitude is different to yours and that’s fine. You can’t tell another adult what they can/can’t drink unless he’s too hung over or driunk to parent properly but could you gently point out that the dcs will be watching and learning from him?

It’s a tricky one.,

Original poster
Toomuchornot · 02/01/2018 12:59

So I don't think he's an alcoholic but the fact he won't give up for a month or so makes me wonder if he's more dependent than he thinks. He also gets angry.

But both of these can be explained that he's not really a giving up something type. He also doesn't tend to be open to me suggesting things.

He isn't a nice drunk. He told me to go fuck myself halfway through the night when I suggested he use a different salad dressing (he pretended he hadn't).

OP posts:
Hatsoffdear · 02/01/2018 13:01

I can drink a bottle of wine plus and I have never had a hang over but drink rarely as not bothered.

Tolerance to alcohol can be just luck not due to how much you are Generally drinking.

Original poster
Toomuchornot · 02/01/2018 13:02

So that's about 28 units of alcohol in one night.

Would you be okay with your family member drinking that?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 02/01/2018 13:02

So I don't think he's an alcoholic but the fact he won't give up for a month or so makes me wonder if he's more dependent than he thinks.

I don’t understand the logic there. I drink approximately once or twice a week but wouldn’t want to “give up” for a month.

His behaviour when he’s drunk sounds totally unacceptable though. Why do you want to be with someone who treats you like that?

danTDM · 02/01/2018 13:03

A couple of craft beers a night and maybe a bottle or two of wine at the weekend?

FGS, that doesn't sound anything like an alcoholic.

PurpleDaisies · 02/01/2018 13:03

It’s not the one off binge drinking that I’d be most concerned about-it’s what he drinks in a typical week.

Hatsoffdear · 02/01/2018 13:03

he isn’t a nice drunk

Ah well that’s s differerent story! Not acceptable. No way. Film him when he’s drunk and tell him that’s what his children will be watching.

Bluntness100 · 02/01/2018 13:08

I think it's crazy to say one or two beers a night and one or two bottles of wine at the weekend is alcoholic territory. These threads are always the same, bring out the manic pearl clutchers. " a beer a night you say! Get him in treatment,".

It's not healthy or ideal but it's not an alcoholic either. A doctor would laugh you out the surgery.

As for how much he drinks with his friends every few weeks, meh, it's a lot, but we do the same. Not ideal, but very common in some circles. I get terrible hangovers, others like a friend of mine never gets them, it's just the luck of the draw.

danTDM · 02/01/2018 13:13

He isn't a nice drunk What, is he drunk after 2 craft beers or a bottle of wine, with food presumably, over the weekend?

Yet he doesn't get hangovers?

This is a bizarre thread.

halfwitpicker · 02/01/2018 13:14

Sounds too much to me.

ppeatfruit · 02/01/2018 13:15

I don't get the difference between 'drugs' and alcohol (apart from the law) because alcohol IS a drug and a very addictive one. It causes so many problems, I think they should be viewed in the same way.

They both affect the liver (no hangovers are not a good sign IME) tiredness all the time is a sign of liver damage.

Jaxhog · 02/01/2018 13:16

If he can't go more than a few days without alcohol, binge drinks and lies to you about how much he drinks then, yes he sounds like an alcoholic to me, albeit a 'functioning' alcoholic. This is well over the recommended level of safe drinking of 14 units a week.

Does he drink and drive as well?