Is this too much alcohol?

[Toomuchornot]

I've namechanged for this as it's a bit sensitive.

I'm increasingly concerned that dh might be drinking excessively. He drinks most nights, say a couple of craft beers plus a bottle or two of wine at the weekend. Never spirits. He goes out with friends every few weeks or so and they drink a lot (but I don't check up, but if I ask, I now think he lies to me).

I've always put it down to letting of steam and normal. Now we have the dc (12, 14 and 7) I drink maybe half a bottle of wine when out with friends, occasionally more but usually a lot less. I might have a glass of wine at the weekend.

What concerned me was that these same friends came over during Christmas for a get together and dh drank 7 bottles of craft beer plus a bottle of white wine and a small whiskey. He was absolutely fine the next day. I think that's the amount they might drink when out as dh didn't seem very drunk or even slightly hungover. I'm quite shocked but the group of friends all seemed to think was normal.

Whenever I suggest he cuts down drinking ( for health or cost forr example) he really hates it and gets defensive. He has never gone more than a couple of days without drink. However I do respect that its his choice hate the role of nagging wife.

His upbringing was centred around alcohol and the male members of his family all get drunk regularly and tell stories of their hilarious behaviour. I have drawn a line that they do not do this in front of the dc and do not bang on about their hangovers and drunk story of falling asleep in door ways etc.

Is this too much?

Generally dh is a good family man who works hard and is good with the dc (although his career has very much taken centre stage, so he's not hands-on during the week).

He loves having friends round, cooking for them and drinking. As do I. But im increasingly uncomfortable with the amount of alcohol consumed.

Am I overreacting or do you think there might be a problem?

There is no black and white yes or no answer to 'is someone an alcoholic?' IMO, it's more 'does this person have a relationship with alcohol that's causing them problems?' Whether work or financial or personal, and 'do they struggle to control or stop drinking?'.

Exactly this. Labels of 'alcohol' are unhelpful in the case of alcohol, as it should be judged by the impact. The amount he drank at Christmas would not in and of itself cause me concern - the festive period is notorious for excess. But the level of regular drinking and the pattern it suggests is a cause for concern, certainly to you - as is his defensive reaction when you try to talk about it.

Alcohol misuse comes in many shapes and sizes and often people convince themselves that they are in control of it. As soon as the balance tips it's time to address it in some way - self help by way of cutting down at one end and seeking professional help at the other. What works for some will not work for others. But at present your dh doesn't think it's a problem, which is the more immediate concern.

Labels of 'alcoholic' I mean.

I know he's not an alcoholic. I'm asking more whether I'm ok to be a bit worried about his health (I know its his life but we've been together 26 years and I love the manand don't want his life cut short. ) also I feel it's not the best example to the dc.

I didn't write very clearly. At the weekend at home he'll have maybe 3-4 bottles of beer plus a bottle of wine. If with friends he'll clearly have a lot more.

I don't think he's alcoholic and I'm not suggesting that he give up alcohol. In my view drinking every night is too much. But I know opinions vary and like I said I'm not a big drinker although I do go out as often as him, I don't drink loads.

I'm not getting the obsession with arguing the toss about whether or not this man is an alcoholic - either way, at that level of drinking there is a 100% certainty he is damaging his health. He also becomes aggressive when he drinks and gets cross if challenged over it. Of course he is drinking too much. Try being honest about what he drinks when you ask for life insurance and see how much that costs...

He ought to get a liver function test done - better to get fair warning of the damage being done before it causes symptoms and becomes irreversible.

Thank you roundaboutthetown.
That's very helping. What is a liver function test?

Helpful not helping

It's a blood test which shows how well your liver is functioning. The first stage of damaging your liver through drinking is fatty liver disease and you don't get any symptoms from it, but a blood test can measure levels of proteins and enzymes in the blood which show if your liver is not functioning as well as it should/is being damaged. At this stage, changing your behaviour can enable the liver to regenerate. Drink heavily for too long and you start getting symptoms of liver disease and permanent damage.

He has drunk like this, and more for 35 years.

Does the test have to be done at the gp?

In addition to liver damage, chronic alcohol consumption has other risks:

www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/features/12-health-risks-of-chronic-heavy-drinking#2

It is, after all, a toxin. I would not be comfortable with a family member drinking to that degree with that regularity.

Yes, he would probably have to go to his GP.

And yes, of course high alcohol consumption does also increase your risk of stroke, heart disease and cancer.

Thank you for the thoughts. He has a strong history of heart disease in the family.

I might see if he'll join me in a couple of alcohol free days a week as,a start.

I accidentally linked to the second page of that webmd article. Click on "view all" at the bottom to see the whole thing.

Detox nurse here....

So he’s drinking 6 units every night plus 2 bottles of wine a week on top? That’s 60 units a week, which is high consumption. In fact it’s 3 times the recommended allowance for men.

Can I ask, have there been any occasions that you can remember when his drinking has interfered with his plans eg he got carried away and was too hungover or drunk to function the next day, or has he or anyone else ever been injured by his drinking? Does he ever have an eye opener aka Hair of the dog?

Well he's ruined a good few nights for me by getting steaming and aggressive including at a big birthday party of mine when he started getting aggressive with my boss so we,had to leave early, nights with friends and we often have to go home because he's drunk and aggressive or fallout asleep.

But no he's never had to miss anything the next day. Never missed work. he'll drag himself along uncommunicative and grumpy to a family day out. So making it a bit miserable for me but not so that I could raise it as an issue.

I'm not getting the obsession with arguing the toss about whether or not this man is an alcoholic - either way, at that level of drinking there is a 100% certainty he is damaging his health

This is precisely why there is an obsession over the term 'alcoholic'. The term is a distraction because when it's used most people think of those who have lost families, homes etc because they are so drunk they fall down, get into fights and accidents, can't function without alcohol first thing when they wake up etc. The reality is that there is a huge grey area in between and many people who abuse alcohol are put off seeking help by terms such as 'alcoholic'. Sorry but I do think it's an important distinction if we are to encourage more people to cut down on what they drink. I speak as someone with a lot of experience of alcohol misuse by those I love.

Op - my comments relate to the terminology. Asking if your dh is an 'alcoholic' is irrelevant because that word is useless as a descriptor. Each person's issues with alcohol are unique and that is what alcohol services now focus on rather than creating a division between 'alcoholics' and 'the rest'. The fact that you're uncomfortable with his level of drinking is the key issue - it is having an impact, whether he sees it or not.

He sounds like he could be a heavy drinker on occasions, but alcoholic? No.
My brother is an active alcoholic. He lives and breathes for alcohol and would drink in excess of 100 to 200 units a week, more if he could afford it. Getting alcohol, drinking it and worrying he hasn't got enough was his be all and end all. It has destroyed his relationships, jobs and his health. He rarely appears drunk, just slows down then falls asleep. The ops oh doesn't sound like his drinking impinges on his life to any great degree. I do wonder if people quick to call 'alcoholic' have really got to know one, or their sneaky drinking habits.
Having said that, keeping drinking to a sensible level is a good idea, but I know it is very difficult to persuade someone not to drink too much, it's a decision they have to make for themselves.

He drinks too much. 14 units a week is the recommended maximum. A bottle of wine alone can be nearly 10.
He drinks too often. Drinking every day doesn't give the body a chance to recover. He should have some alcohol free nights.
He's an aggressive and unpleasant drunk. His drinking affects his relationship.
Yes he has a problem.
You can't stop him drinking. You can only control your reaction to it. I wouldn't stay with someone who got drunk and swore at me. Why would you?

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/alcohol/Pages/alcohol-units.aspx

www.nhsggc.org.uk/your-health/health-services/alcohol-brief-intervention/drinking-categories/harmful-drinking/#

He is drinking at hazardous levels. It is a good idea to have at least 3 alcohol free days a week.

I would encourage a GP health check. Alcohol related problems such as heart and liver issues can go undetected until a real crisis hits.

Why do I stay? Because I've been with him 26 years, he's a good father and husband, he works hard.

On the flipside I know I didn't deserve for my birthday party to be ruined, to be embarrassed in front of my boss, to be sworn at, and for him to get angry in front of family and friends.

But I'm not perfect. And it's what he thinks is normal having been brought up in that environment.

I don't know. I wouldn't want it for my dc. He does hide it from them pretty well. I guess I look like the bad guy.

Does anyone have experience of this with someone cutting down.

He's not a good father if he's getting drunk and swearing at you.
He's not a good parent with the behaviour he's modelling.
He's been brought up as a drinker. Break the cycle for your own children. He stops or leaves.

Has he ever injured himself or anyone else as a result in his drinking? Does he undertake wreckless activities because of his drinking eg driving to work the next morning whilst over the limit

No not injured himself or anyone. Upset a lot of people though.

Which is enough for me to be fed up. It means I am on tenterhooks in case I have to remove him from offending anyone. It also means I can never be the one to get giggly because someone has to be able to deal with dc.

But he's a good husband? He's really not OP.

My dad did this. Most nights, he would drink. Ever since we were young.

He died last year at 58. Liver and kidneys just gave up.

I mean I wish I could tell you it was something else, but it really was the drink routine that did it. Cirrhosis of the liver caused him to have fluid regulary drained from him.

Everyone tells you thats what drinking does, but it doesnt seem real until you see it for yourself.

He was a functioning alcoholic, you'd never find him in a gutter wrecked. He didnt even touch spirits or wine. It was lager. Nothing else.

So is your DH damaging his health. Very much so. And your pockets. And your lives. You coud be doing so much more as a family.