Is this too much alcohol?

[Toomuchornot]

I've namechanged for this as it's a bit sensitive.

I'm increasingly concerned that dh might be drinking excessively. He drinks most nights, say a couple of craft beers plus a bottle or two of wine at the weekend. Never spirits. He goes out with friends every few weeks or so and they drink a lot (but I don't check up, but if I ask, I now think he lies to me).

I've always put it down to letting of steam and normal. Now we have the dc (12, 14 and 7) I drink maybe half a bottle of wine when out with friends, occasionally more but usually a lot less. I might have a glass of wine at the weekend.

What concerned me was that these same friends came over during Christmas for a get together and dh drank 7 bottles of craft beer plus a bottle of white wine and a small whiskey. He was absolutely fine the next day. I think that's the amount they might drink when out as dh didn't seem very drunk or even slightly hungover. I'm quite shocked but the group of friends all seemed to think was normal.

Whenever I suggest he cuts down drinking ( for health or cost forr example) he really hates it and gets defensive. He has never gone more than a couple of days without drink. However I do respect that its his choice hate the role of nagging wife.

His upbringing was centred around alcohol and the male members of his family all get drunk regularly and tell stories of their hilarious behaviour. I have drawn a line that they do not do this in front of the dc and do not bang on about their hangovers and drunk story of falling asleep in door ways etc.

Is this too much?

Generally dh is a good family man who works hard and is good with the dc (although his career has very much taken centre stage, so he's not hands-on during the week).

He loves having friends round, cooking for them and drinking. As do I. But im increasingly uncomfortable with the amount of alcohol consumed.

Am I overreacting or do you think there might be a problem?

OP my DH was very similar to yours:

• Bought up in a family where heavy drinking was the norm
• Drank close to a bottle of wine a night (never anything else - eg lager or spirits) but never appeared drunk at home or suffered with hangovers too much
• Would drink to excess when out, always the drunkest person at the party and frequently embarrassed me, became aggressive etc.
• In all other respects, a lovely, hard-working man, good husband, lovey dad etc.

We had many a row about it (a) because I didn't want our children to grow up thinking this was 'normal' (b) because his habit cost huge amounts of money and (c) because I didn't want him to die young.
He would always get very defensive and shut the conversation down. It never really lead to any change, and did progressively get worse and worse.

I subsequently discovered that his grandfather (long dead) was an alcoholic. I think his mum is verging on it (has to drink every night, often to excess). I also think his niece could potentially be heading in the same direction. I do think it is genetic condition, and I worried for our own kids.

I eventually started to dread every time he went out for the night (or when we went out together).

All these people telling you to stop clutching your pearls - well all I can say, is that alcoholism is a progressive disease. He may not be a fully fledged alcoholic right now, but he has a dependency and he could very well be heading in that direction.

I'm happy to say it all worked out for the best for me and my DH in the end. I gave him an ultimatum of sorts, and he listened and gave up drinking completely. He couldn't do the 3 days off, thing (well he could, but he'd get absolutely smashed on the other 4 days to 'compensate') - it was all or nothing. I suspect your DH might be the same.

Sorry for the negative post, but listen to your instinct on this one.

I didn't mean ANY malice, no. You said 'I haven't raised it yet' so I thought you were intending to.

Anyway, for you it's too much and you are clearly tense about it. There is nothing you can do though. I didn't say you were a nag, I gave my perspective from a Brit married to a Canadian in Quebec.

My stepfather was an alcoholic, a functioning one that held down a very responsible job. Put it this way his decisions actually meant that hundreds of people could have died if he messed up, makes me shudder.

His drinking escalated and he died aged 49 and I can honestly say I was glad because the alcohol meant more to him than anything including looking after his dc and it drove my Mother who was eccentric already completley insane. Which in turn made us the children suffer.

I am not teetotal but hardly drink my younger sister is also a functioning alcoholic like him. She is mid forties now and I wonder what will happen.

I think anyone that can't go without alcohol for a week or two has issues even if low level. But I blame a lot on attitudes to alcohol in the UK with people ridiculed if they don't drink.

Your DH has an issue

Toomuch Is your dh vain? Beer (the hops) contain a lot of female hormones leading to breast growth (as well as the classic beer belly!) in males.

Sorry dan I appreciate your comments. Sorry didn't mean to be so snappy. I've just had a lifetime if keeping quiet and watching him drink himself into nasty arguments, a beer gut and yep man boobs. You did hit a nerve but not your fault.

pp that's interesting.

Interesting about family and genes. The whole family drink too much. Family gatherings often descend into fights and arguments.

Toomuch I don't think people are born with a genetic predisposition to problem drinking. It's more of a cultural one (on a familial level, as well as a societal one). Some families have an overly tolerant approach to alcohol consumption, where drinking large amounts is seen as normal and innocuous. Unfortunately those who have been affected by alcohol abuse in childhood often either become an enabler, learned behaviour from how the non alcohol dependent adult dealt with (or failed to deal effecticely with) their partner's excessive drinking, or else they too grow up thinking what is excessive is in fact normal.

Have you decided what you're going to do, if anything, about it?

It's certainly not JUST GB that has problems with heavy drinking ( and or alcoholism) . I have never seen so much drinking going on by MC Irish people at a wedding we went to.

DH was ridiculed by his Irish colleagues in a bar in Dublin for drinking one glass of wine. He had to go to bed to get some peace.

There must be a terrible amount of early deaths and bad health there. due to it.

Agree ppeatfruit sadly many Irish people have been conned into buying into the alcohol fuelled lifestyle. Its in the blood,especially for men. One only has to look at how the whole national culture has been hijacked. Guinness the patron saint of Ireland

Yes it's awful.TDH

I was just remembering the 4 women who I knew personally, one was our oldest family friend, who have all died in the past 3 months of catastrophic organ failure at age 69 to 70, due to very heavy drinking .

One was a Finn and they drink excessively too.

I don't think people are born with a genetic predisposition to problem drinking.

I think they are.

I think some kind of genetic pre-disposition AND environmental situation combines to mean that some people develop problem drinking/gambling/drug taking etc and some people can gamble and drink without any issues.

Yes I agree Fluffy to an extent, but alcohol IS addictive, like sugar, some people can control\ cope with them and others can't.

I notice that after Xmas ,when I've been eating more sugary foods than usual, that I have to consciously cut down to taste less sweet foods! I'm lucky in that I don't crave wine , but I feel it could be possible!