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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this too much alcohol?

111 replies

Toomuchornot · 02/01/2018 12:32

I've namechanged for this as it's a bit sensitive.

I'm increasingly concerned that dh might be drinking excessively. He drinks most nights, say a couple of craft beers plus a bottle or two of wine at the weekend. Never spirits. He goes out with friends every few weeks or so and they drink a lot (but I don't check up, but if I ask, I now think he lies to me).

I've always put it down to letting of steam and normal. Now we have the dc (12, 14 and 7) I drink maybe half a bottle of wine when out with friends, occasionally more but usually a lot less. I might have a glass of wine at the weekend.

What concerned me was that these same friends came over during Christmas for a get together and dh drank 7 bottles of craft beer plus a bottle of white wine and a small whiskey. He was absolutely fine the next day. I think that's the amount they might drink when out as dh didn't seem very drunk or even slightly hungover. I'm quite shocked but the group of friends all seemed to think was normal.

Whenever I suggest he cuts down drinking ( for health or cost forr example) he really hates it and gets defensive. He has never gone more than a couple of days without drink. However I do respect that its his choice hate the role of nagging wife.

His upbringing was centred around alcohol and the male members of his family all get drunk regularly and tell stories of their hilarious behaviour. I have drawn a line that they do not do this in front of the dc and do not bang on about their hangovers and drunk story of falling asleep in door ways etc.

Is this too much?

Generally dh is a good family man who works hard and is good with the dc (although his career has very much taken centre stage, so he's not hands-on during the week).

He loves having friends round, cooking for them and drinking. As do I. But im increasingly uncomfortable with the amount of alcohol consumed.

Am I overreacting or do you think there might be a problem?

OP posts:
DotCottonDotCom · 02/01/2018 16:17

^ My mum is on her own living with her DC's (14 and 29). It seems so cruel. My gran had to see her child die before her. No-one wants their child to go before them.

Original poster
Toomuchornot · 02/01/2018 16:21

Im kind of seeing that there are issues here Wolfie. I really hate the drinking. I wish it wasn't like that.

He can't go out without drinking loads.

OP posts:
FruitCider · 02/01/2018 16:22

Does he know his behaviour changes when he drinks? Does he ever have memory lapses when he drinks heavily? Does he ever have remorse or guilt for his behaviour when he drinks? X

christmaspudding1 · 02/01/2018 16:22

sorry jumping in here

what would people say about a man late 40.s drinking a bottle of red wine every night 7days a week,a little more weekends

this is my xp and it helped split us,he dosent think he is??

Original poster
Toomuchornot · 02/01/2018 16:24

dotcotton I'm so sorry. It's awful.

Ironically he can see the issue in others. My uncle drinks a third of a bottle of whiskey a night and dh is shocked at that and can see the problem.

He's not that far behind some weeks.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 02/01/2018 16:24

Al Anon is for the families of those who have a drinking problem. (I don't think the word alcoholic is helpful. It makes people think of someone who has vodka for breakfast and gets the shakes if they can't drink.)
Problem drinking is any drinking that impacts the drinker, their family or friends.

Original poster
Toomuchornot · 02/01/2018 16:25

christmaspudding feel free to jump in! I'd say that was too much. It's shitty being the partner in it isnt it.

OP posts:
Fontella · 02/01/2018 16:26

Why do MN posters get so het up over the use of the word 'alcoholic'?

This bloke is clearly drinking at hazardous levels - he rarely has an alcohol free day, and is drinking at least 2 bottles of beer a night and 1 or 2 bottles of wine at the weekend, plus more on top when he socialises with friends and he's doing that week in, week out, 52 weeks a year, year after year.

Anyone who can drink 7 bottles of beer, a bottle of wine and a whisky in one session, and walk away without any signs of being pissed nor any signs of hangover, clearly has a very high tolerance to alcohol.

I can see why some might call him an 'alcoholic' and some might not - but what the hell does it matter what the label is? He's alcohol dependent and he's drinking to excess and it will inevitably be having a detrimental effect on his cells and organs. You can minimise that all you like, but he's putting away a lot more booze than he should be and that sort of relentless drinking is going to cause damage.

Wolfiefan · 02/01/2018 16:28

Christmas that's over 65 units a week. WAY too much.
If he's driving the next day he could well still be over the limit.
For the record I drink. Not every day. Normally no more than a glass or two. More alcohol free nights than drinking ones ideally. I can happily take it or leave it.

christmaspudding1 · 02/01/2018 16:33

thank you op,yes it is

feel for you op it sounds very hard,hope he realises how unhappy its making everybody,probably denial though,good luck

atleast i dont have children etc with him and havent been together long !yr)he does drive the next day and is self employed so would be fucked

christmas was just another exscuse to drink from 11am

Wolfiefan · 02/01/2018 16:34

Or the person he hits would be. Angry

christmaspudding1 · 02/01/2018 16:36

yep very true,he would be the type to go balistic if it was the other way round,but he wont have he's drink dependent,cant be in a relationship with somebody that cant see the damage and potential damage that could happen

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 02/01/2018 16:42

I wouldn’t be ok with that.

It’s a lot of alcohol and alcohol is horrible for the body and also many people’s mental health.

And he’s also a mean drunk? No way.

Original poster
Toomuchornot · 02/01/2018 16:42

Dh has probably driven over the limit.

The idea of going out without it centring on drink (and food) is unimaginable to him. The things I'd like to do are laughed at.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 02/01/2018 16:45

If you are constantly whining and stressing about how much he drinks, then it's not that surprising he might get fed up with you and snap back. How much he drinks is not up to you.

If your only complaint is that he drinks more than you do (yet does his share of domestic work, holds down a job, is usually pleasant company) and the drinks he buys are not taking up too much of family money, then try shutting up about it for a bit.

christmaspudding1 · 02/01/2018 16:47

so agree op

if we wanted to do shopping on a weekend we had to get a taxi or bus cos he wanted a drink when out

and hands shakes badly first thing,but oh no its nothing to do with drink he has always has shaky hands Sad

MissConductUS · 02/01/2018 16:49

The idea of going out without it centring on drink (and food) is unimaginable to him.

This is a big hurdle for alcoholics. They can't imagine a life without drinking. That's one reason why a support group is so important for those who try to stop drinking. The other members are examples of how it's possible to have a perfectly happy, fulfilling life without drinking. And yes, I'm speaking from experience.

I agree with the earlier suggestion to go to an al-anon meeting. You'll find a lot of good support and experience there dealing with all of this.

MikeUniformMike · 02/01/2018 16:51

He's a heavy drinker and needs to cut down.
He's almost certainly not an alcoholic, and labelling him as one won't help.

LittleLionMansMummy · 02/01/2018 16:51

Fontella I've explained on the previous page why some (including me) object to the term 'alcoholic'. Getting people to admit to and seek help for a problem should be the aim, and labelling someone alcoholic makes many people erroneously believe they don't have a problem because they're not a 'real' alcoholic who does vodka with their weetabix.

MonumentalAlabaster · 02/01/2018 16:55

If his behaviour is so unpleasant when drunk, that would be enough for me. Whether or not he was an alcoholic would be unimportant to me - I'd want him to stop because it made him obnoxious.

Wolfiefan · 02/01/2018 16:59

Reanimated did you miss the fact he swears at the OP? He's a nasty drunk.

expatinscotland · 02/01/2018 17:07

I doubt you'll get him to go to a GP to do a liver function test. I dunno. Maybe get him some milk thistle?

ReanimatedSGB · 02/01/2018 17:13

OP says he's generally a good bloke and describes one incident of him snapping at her. I know there seems to be a school of thought on MN that no one is ever allowed to get exasperated with even the most nitpicky, whining partner, but most people will snap under a barrage of criticism.

Atalune · 02/01/2018 17:23

SGB Have you had a name change/update? Confused I recognise your name sort of but not your posting style. Nasty.

op he drinks excessively and he drinks everyday. He has a problem with dependency.

Can you help him see that? I don’t know. Maybe you could write some of the behaviours down and instances and ask him what he would like to do about it? Or refuse him access to parties etc as he can’t be trusted. Or let him attend and let him detonate and face the consequences?

TDHManchester · 02/01/2018 17:27

Read first page. To me that is a problem level of drinking.