Is this too much alcohol?

[Toomuchornot]

I've namechanged for this as it's a bit sensitive.

I'm increasingly concerned that dh might be drinking excessively. He drinks most nights, say a couple of craft beers plus a bottle or two of wine at the weekend. Never spirits. He goes out with friends every few weeks or so and they drink a lot (but I don't check up, but if I ask, I now think he lies to me).

I've always put it down to letting of steam and normal. Now we have the dc (12, 14 and 7) I drink maybe half a bottle of wine when out with friends, occasionally more but usually a lot less. I might have a glass of wine at the weekend.

What concerned me was that these same friends came over during Christmas for a get together and dh drank 7 bottles of craft beer plus a bottle of white wine and a small whiskey. He was absolutely fine the next day. I think that's the amount they might drink when out as dh didn't seem very drunk or even slightly hungover. I'm quite shocked but the group of friends all seemed to think was normal.

Whenever I suggest he cuts down drinking ( for health or cost forr example) he really hates it and gets defensive. He has never gone more than a couple of days without drink. However I do respect that its his choice hate the role of nagging wife.

His upbringing was centred around alcohol and the male members of his family all get drunk regularly and tell stories of their hilarious behaviour. I have drawn a line that they do not do this in front of the dc and do not bang on about their hangovers and drunk story of falling asleep in door ways etc.

Is this too much?

Generally dh is a good family man who works hard and is good with the dc (although his career has very much taken centre stage, so he's not hands-on during the week).

He loves having friends round, cooking for them and drinking. As do I. But im increasingly uncomfortable with the amount of alcohol consumed.

Am I overreacting or do you think there might be a problem?

SGP I have tried being a tolerant non nitpicky partner for 26 years.

Obviously the last incident wasn't the only one. Just the thing that's made me think.

I'm not saying he's an alcoholic nor saying he's a bad man. Just that I can't cope with the excessive drinking because I love him and i don't want him to drink himself into illness and early death.

expat you're dead right.he'd never have the test. He'd never take milk thistle either. He'd have to accept he drank to excess to do those. And he won't.

I’ve reread this loads and still don’t understand how much he drinks- OP you don’t say he drinks everyday? Just at weekends and then binges when he has friends around.

Thing is- his behaviour might not be the booze. He might still do the nastiness etc sober (“dry drunk”) it might just be him iykwim?

Cherrycoke

From the OP:

"He drinks most nights, say a couple of craft beers plus a bottle or two of wine at the weekend. Never spirits. He goes out with friends every few weeks or so and they drink a lot"

Most nights, and OP says he's never gone more than a couple of nights without drink. Plus fairly regular heavy boozing sessions with friends, and more on a weekend even when he isn't with friends. OP talked about trying to institute a couple of booze free days per week, implying that he is currently drinking six or seven days per week.

Oh I see. I think a couple of beers a night is fairly normal behaviour- I think a PP thought the bottle of wine was every night too and calculated 60 units a week. I don’t think it’s likely to be that much.

Yes craft beers (are you american that term is creeping over here but is still not as popular as real ale etc) tend to be stronger than the mass produced beers and lagers a couple nearly every night would be too many.

I am Canadian allthetuppences but been here a long time.

Sorry not to be clear. It varies but id say an average week would be
Monday - 3 craft beers
Tuesday - 2 glasses wine, 1 beer
Weds - 2 craft beers
Thurs - 3 craft beers
Fri - bottle of red wine
Sat - 3 craft beers, half bottle red wine
SUN- 2 craft beers, half bottle red wine.

If he goes out its more (6/7 beers).

ReanimatedSGB please note OP has now said "the last incident was not the only one".

It never is.

Oh gosh yes that's a LOT on a regular basis.

I think so. I'll think of a way to approach dh to,discuss in a non confrontational way.

Honestly OP unless HE sees it as an issue or you're prepared to walk away then nothing will change.
You can't make someone stop drinking.

My dad died of alcoholism. REAL alcoholism in terms of all he cared about was where to get his next drink and well over 200 units a week and in and out of rehab etc. It tore my family apart back then (13 years ago) and as the only one who supported him through his illness it also ruined me to an extent. I drink too much now through depression but am definitely not going the same way as him and dh, my family etc keep an eye on my drinking. I now also have a FIL intent on drinking himself to death.

To OP from my own drinking problem experiences and much worse from my dad my advice is to talk to dh and address the issue when you can as it bothers you. My dh regulalrly speaks to me about drink if he thinks I'm over indulgong. I now have at least 3 nights a week alcohol free and avoid wine as it sends me a bit loopy lol. Sorry for long post but alcohol can kill and it is a drug x

If you think it might be a problem, it probably is. It sounds like he’s overweight,unhealthy and drinks too much. Ideally people should only drink every now and then. It shouldn’t be a daily habit (except for perhaps holidays and Christmas). Alcohol is a poison that the body needs to process. It tastes nice but it’s not good for you. Generally, the less you drink, the better - and you should aim for more drink free nights each week than nights where you do drink. A bottle of wine shared between 2 people is plenty for one session - no more. Perhaps one beer or a glass mid week if you feel like it - one night. Daily drinking, even at low levels, is bad for you. Calories also add up - regular drinkers are often much more overweight, less active and more unfit as drinking demotivates you from taking exercise the next day and more likely to eat crap food. All in all booze is lovely but not at all good for you. This is not prudish , just fact. I’d be concerned your DH is in poor health and drinking too much. You need to have a serious chat about it and work together as a couple to improve your health.

I also wouldn’t say he is an alcoholic but had a bit of a problem drinker - not being able to control behaviour and getting aggressive when drunk is a self evident indicator that he shouldn’t be drinking as much.

I agree that labels aren't as helpful as proper medical involvement here. He needs to get a liver function test if possible.

My friend's DH used to drink like the OP's, or worse. We were all certain he was an alcoholic. Six year's on and he has a completely normal relationship with alcohol and is able to take it or leave it. In that case it was a habit but not an addiction.

To add to the thread, and the PP mentioning REAL ALCOHOLISM as if it negates the damage OP's husband might be doing, I too watched my own lovely mother drink herself to death as the result of being an alcoholic. Seeing that level of heavy fatal drinking up close doesn't make me feel that only people who drink like her have a problem. It's a sliding scale and far more complex than that.

Argh just re read your post PP and I missed the end bit where you're using your experience to point out how damaging booze is. Not to say that if he isn't drinking that much he can't be an alcoholic. I posted too soon and misunderstood, I'm sorry.

Yes. Definitely a body damaging amount of alchohol.

Hi OP, the reason I asked you in depth questions is because I was looking at the AUDIT assessment tool.

People are passing judgement on whether your partner is an alcoholic or not. He seems to certainly have an emotional attachment and adverse reaction to alcohol eg he drinks ritually and his behaviour (and drinking) becomes out of control when he drinks.

As I previously said, I’m a detox nurse and start approximately 6 alcohol detoxes a day. We use the AUDIT to assess for level of dependency. I would begin an alcohol detox if someone scored 20 or more. You may find knowing this useful as it gives you something quantifiable to identify whether he has a physical alcohol dependence or not.

Is your husband British?

I lived in Canada and noticed a HUGE difference in attitudes to alcohol. For one, you can't even buy in in the supermarket and it is SO expensive. (Quebec) The tax and service in bars is astronomical.

British people have much more of a drinking culture, so if he's British this could explain differences in attitude.

Obviously it is an unhealthier attitude,, but it is what it is.

Certainly my Canadian husband was a total and utter nag about completely normal glasses of wine when out for dinner/ at weekends. If I went to a bar for a drink with a book (he was teetotal so wouldn't come and I had no friends to go with !) he was totally I used to drink more almost in defiance by the end. It was soul destroying to be disapproved of like that al the time.

Fruitcider that is very helpful. Thank you.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences, some of which must ve painful to recount and I'm so sorry to hear so many people affected by alcohol misuse.
dan I'll take your comments on board, they echo what dh has said in the past. I think I've been in UK long enough and have lots of British friends to see the difference between culture difference and misuse of alcohol. However we're all a product of our past so thanks for the reminder.

I haven't raised it yet but he didn't have a drink last night (miracle) so maybe he recognised the need to calm down after Christmas excesses.

Don't mention it to him! Ignore it!

dan of course I bloody ignored it. Like I've said 26 years of perfecting non nagging re alcohol.

You and a couple of others seem to want to neatly slot me into 'booze nag' box and therefore it's all my fault. Which would be lovely and easy to sort

I think it's important to remember that people have very different experiences of "normal" drinking. I think my DH and I drink too much; we will have a glass of wine most nights and will share a bottle each night at the weekend. To my friend who has a couple of beers once a fortnight after work, we are heavy drinkers. To my cousin who mixes with a different set, we are utter lightweights; a bottle of wine on a Friday night comes after a few gins and before you start on the whisky.

To me, your DH is a heavy drinker. He would be wise to cut down his alcohol intake (by half) for the sake of his health. But that's not the drinking pattern of an alcoholic.

"But that's not the drinking pattern of an alcoholic." daily drinking including regular binges with friends and more alcohol on weekends? We've discuss the issue of the alcoholic label not being black or white but if that isn't problematic drinking, what is?

I don't think dan meant any malice op, but totally understand that you're, justifiably, feeling very sensitive about things.

It is true that British cultural attitudes towards alcohol are responsible for the level of problems we have in our society. Ever try to cut down or stop drinking alcohol and the amount of pressure to drink that a person often has to endure is ridiculous. It's all around us, all the time and lots of people minimise their drinking by qualifying it with 'but I'm not alcoholic, I choose to drink but I don't need it'.

My dad, dh and dsis all have their own problems with alcohol - but neither one of them is alike. I was around the problems too much growing up and have gone the other way - I don't drink much at all any more. Dsis drinks openly, every day, and will think nothing of breaking open a bottle of wine at lunchtime. She'll have a skinful one day and most people wouldn't feel up to it the following day - but not her. She's always ready for 'wine o clock' but doesn't see it. Her dd has seen her drop down/ fall asleep drunk on numerous occasions. My dad is currently abstaining altogether having convinced himself for many years that he is in control of it and can switch it off like a tap. He's also been hiding spirits around the house and taking swigs in secret for years - I know because I used to find them and agonize (at the age of 12) over whether or not to tell my mum and cause another massive argument between them. Dad now goes to meetings and guess what? He says he's 'not like the others there - they're real alcoholics!' I let it slide because at least he's off it for now. Dh and I are dealing with his particular issues (self medication for stress among them) between us, and he has seen a counsellor for it. He holds down a good job, is an amazing husband and father, has never been a nasty drunk etc. He's currently doing well - but we both know we can never be complacent and I have had to ensure I'm not enabling his behaviour.

Bil has yet other alcohol abuse problems that are deeply damaging to his family too, in their own way.

I say all of this not to wallow or hijack the thread but to try to tell you that there is the full range of alcohol abuse, reasons for it (in dad's case simply because he likes it) and ways to deal with it. Your dh's drinking is having an impact on you, you are entitled to state that to him as fact. This isn't your fault. But by continuing to turn a blind eye you are enabling his behaviour. This is part of the problem for many caught in this cycle. Dh, and i, were both in denial until the birth of our first child. I was adamant I didn't want our dc growing up with the feelings of guilt and anger that punctuated my childhood. I told him I'd leave if he didn't do something - and I meant it. Everyone had their breaking point.

I think you need to speak to him about it, calmly and rationally, when he hasn't had a drink and concentrate on the impact it's having on you/ others around him - in whatever form that takes. Don't try to put him neatly into an 'alcoholic' box, because he won't recognise that in himself. My dh was asked to honestly and genuinely record the amount of units he was drinking in a week - and he was completely shocked by how much he'd been deluding himself.