Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

*ask me

I don’t mind having 1 or 2 people but more than that I find stressful

Nomorechickens nails it. This place is a real dump and there is no spare money to host.

@LucyLogan

except I don't drink either, so I'd find it really stressful choosing wine and drinks etc.

If you're unsure about choosing wine etc you could always go to e.g. Majestic Wine (if there is a branch near you), they are great and very helpful! Explain you're having people round but you need help choosing wine. They'll suggest some easy drinking wines that most people will like and it will save you loads of time and stress.

Ooooh, your post has got me thinking and made me realise for the first time that I think of party invites and dinner invites in rather different ways.

I don't think a party is something you give in order to receive, IYSWIM. Some people "do" them and others don't. I have friends who enjoy throwing them regularly, and friends who never do, and I've never thought of it as a lack of reciprocity. I think it's seen by many as a kind of social difference, in the way that some people are extrovert and some just aren't. I do, however, think it's cheeky to turn up to something like that year-in and year-out without bringing a gift of food/wine.

Dinner invitations, OTOH, are another matter in my head - they should be reciprocated if possible (though obvs someone gets a free pass if they are struggling for some reason or another, emotionally or practically).

because having people in their space is really hard for some people. surely it's like giving a gift you do it because you want to not because of the expectation of reciprocity. so don't do it if you are bothered about the balance of the scales.

confidence to host a party is a biggie

my parents host wonderful garden parties every 2 years. they love it , and my bro and i and oir families make sure we are on hand to help .
it's great fun.
within my /our own circle of friends its not so much the unwilling to reciprocate, but the flakiness of some that has , over the years put me off hosting.

for the the last party we had, only about a third of those invited, and most.confirmed they were coming actually turned up.

we've lost a bit of confidence thanks to that.
we now go out for dinner in small groups.

i feel your frustration tho, OP.

FigurativelyThriving
We all agreed that would be a wonderful thing to be remembered for.

I could not agree more.... You've inspired me to book the date for the 2018 summer bbq.

And to the PP who said they couldn't have a party cos they only have 4 plates. I didn't have enough plates for my NYE party this year, so borrowed some from a neighbour. Just sayin
We had 25 for a curry (delivered from our favourite restaurant) at lunch time on Christmas eve and used plastic disposable thalis we ordered from Amazon! Nobody complained!

I see parties as a different kind of hosting to personal invites.

Me too. If I were invited to a big Summer BBQ or a gathering with lots of people, I wouldn't necessarily feel that I owed them a return invitation in the same way that I would if someone invited me round for dinner or for a coffee.

I would invite them if I held a big BBQ or similar, but we don't generally do that sort of thing for a variety of reasons. On the rare occasions that we have invited a big group of people round, I wouldn't expect them individually to invite me in to theirs either.
However, if I were invited for coffee on my own or with my family, I would take that as an invitation to be friends and I would reciprocate.

There is more to being a good habitual guest than bringing lots of food or drink or buying generous hostess gifts. I have known one friend over 20 years and noone from our friendship group has ever once set foot in her home. .She observes the social niceties so will bring a bottle of wine or contribute a plate of food if requested but apart from that isn't outstandingly generous. However she is a GREAT guest because she is chatty and outgoing, excellent at drawing the shy or socially awkward into a group. TBH she can verge on the bossy sometimes but that tendency can be helpful at parties! She is also very appreciative of other people's hosting which is gratifying and means it is always a pleasure to host her.

There are many ways of contributing to social events and we need them all!

Just to add, that sounds like I wouldn't appreciate an invite to a big party - I absolutely would. I just wouldn't assume that the host wanted to be friends with me beyond the level of friendly acquaintance!

The thing is; most people don't like hosting. It's no where near as much fun as being a guest.

Really not true for everyone, we much prefer hosting. Afterwards, we just have to go upstairs to bed, no question of transport, or even outdoor clothes or umbrellas or train time tables or whose turn to drive. Compared to being a guest, I'd take hosting anytime.

Sadly we live quite far away from family so much more likely to go to them, or host them in a restaurant so they don't all have to travel to us.

Curiously, amongst friends, we have those we tend to host and others who tend to host us. One thing I'm just not confident enough to do, is to mix people up with others that they don't already know. We tend to host a party around events where an established group will come.

Maybe be brave in the new year and host a mix of people....

@whiskyowl
Dinner invitations, OTOH, are another matter in my head - they should be reciprocated if possible (though obvs someone gets a free pass if they are struggling for some reason or another, emotionally or practically).

But what if the people who invited you are great cooks but you're a bad cook? How do you deal with that?

As I mentioned earlier I find hosting dinner parties really stressful and I'd rather take a couple (who hosted us before) out for dinner and pick up the bill. It would be expensive for us but it would remove the stress.

The idea alone of hosting a dinner party (i.e. a formal sit down affair with more than 1 course) would stress me out for at least a week before the event!

Agree about givers and takers. A bit by the people on here who say their home is their personal space/sanctuary or whatever and that somehow absolves them of any need to reciprocate (fair enough if they don't accept hospitality in the first place I suppose but that's a bit of a miserable way to live) and it wouldn't get you very far in some countries in the world... .

No one particularly enjoys the effort involved do they? I am thoroughly ashamed of my home and still host and just try and make it look the best I can and hopefully provide good grub and a welcoming atmosphere.

Obviously, there are many valid reasons why some people choose not to host: five DC under six, elderly relatives, financial stress, illness etc etc and that's totally understandable and reasonable.

The rest of the time, I've found over the years that it really boils down to a question of attitude/generosity.

For example (have posted about this before) I have a friend who lives in a tiny flat with a modest income, but she always hosts parties of great ingenuity for her DC in their local park, with bunting hanging from trees, organised (v original games and treasure hunts etc) - the DC love them! She is incredibly generous with her time and imagination where others would have said, "too hard, flat too small, won't bother".

We have a new trainee every year in the office who lives in a tiny company studio flat. We always welcome them to teas, suppers, Sunday lunches at our home throughout the year to make sure they feel part of the team (they usually come from another country). We never expect it, but there are a few rare ones who reciprocate and and manage to cook and serve supper or tea in their postage stamp kitchen, and I don't think it's a coincidence that they are the ones that go on to become life long friends and are, without exception so far, very successful in their careers; I suppose because they think about others and have an open outlook.

Where there's a will there's a way.

DH runs our business and every year we also have a trainee

Loonoonow v much agree about there being more to being a good guest than just pitching up!

This is one of my bugbears; people who just sit and eat and make no effort to engage with anyone else at the table (yes I am thinking of you, 50 plus partner of my lovely gregarious friend who manages to communicate effectively in his job every day but can't be bothered when out socialising ... grrrrrrrr)

pax - That IS reciprocity in my book. You're picking up the tab, so you are treating them to dinner! It doesn't have to be absolutely like-for-like.

Sorry, stray sentence in first post there!

Pax that IS reciprocating!

Francine and rousette have agreed with every word. Fancy popping over?

A lot of people are just take, take, take. And they'll keep doing it until the gravy train ends.

If you can't host in return then you take the hosts out for dinner as your treat. Yes not everyone is happy having people over but you can always reciprocate in some manner. Do the ones who just don't enjoy hosting think it's not remotely stressful/expensive for those of us who do? Do they think we don't have all the tidying before and after to do?

I don't mind hosting but it's not easy. And if any of my friends were rude enough to not do anything for us in return year after year I'd soon stop inviting them!

For all those with shabby houses - sometimes people relax more in imperfect houses, I find.

Maisypops "Because we live an hour to hour and a half away from friends and it's currently a pain in the arse for people to get to us, a taxi each way would be extortionate and it's a long way for a quick coffee."

I find that mentality really odd, is 60-90 mins driving each way that difficult to catch up with friends? I'm that distance away from a lot of mine and regularly nip across for an hour or two on a weekend or sometimes after work. Fair enough if you don't have a car and that's the driving time then it's a hassle and public transport is often double or triple that time, but if you drive and it's 60-90 mins that's nothing.

'For all those with shabby houses - sometimes people relax more in imperfect houses, I find.'

It may be not just shabby but cluttered, in disrepair, have poor heating, damp (in many rented homes there's only so much you can do about that).

'If you can't host in return then you take the hosts out for dinner as your treat. '

If you can't afford extra food and drink for guests and that's why you don't host, you're hardly going to be able to take people out for dinner.

I didn't used to invite people round/in because my ex was a messy bastard with hoarding tendencies. He didn't give a toss whether the house looked nice and we couldn't afford the renovations needed anyway.

Now my house is much nicer. I am happier to invite people round, but I need notice to tidy up first . It's very cold in my house as I'm on a prepayment meter and skint, so I worry friends will be freezing as their houses are about ten degrees warmer than mine when I go round! I do invite people though but warn then first.

I do try not to take the piss and always go to other people's houses without inviting then to mine in return. Though I do have one good friend who never comes to mine - that's because she has five children who would all have to come with her too and my house is tiny. But I've discussed it with her, she's more than happy to invite us round there instead until the children are old enough to be left at home, and she's one of those people who isn't happy unless she has a house full of people to chat to (unlike introverted me).